


The Gift Horse (import from ff.net)

by moor



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: F/M, Humour, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-27 12:10:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 60,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17161760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moor/pseuds/moor
Summary: The creators of ATLA send 'thankyou' gifts to the cast in recognition of all their hard work in Season 2. Kataang and Zutara epilogues, along with related oneshots, 'Celebrity Endorsements', thereafter. Enjoy! Completed July 2007





	The Gift Horse (import from ff.net)

Title:  **The Gift Horse**  
Category: Cartoons » Avatar: Last Airbender  
Author: moor  
Language: English, Rating: Rated: T  
Genre: Humor/General  
Published: 12-04-06, Updated: 07-15-07  
Chapters: 20, Words: 63,070

* * *

**Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Initial T!**

* * *

" **The Gift Horse** **"**

**AN: All materials are copyright their original creators.**

Story Summary: The cast of Avatar receive gifts from their creators in recognition of all their hard work in Season 2. Toph is first in line.

* * *

 

Chapter 01: INITIAL T!

"AVATAR" STUDIO PARKING LOT, LOVELY DAY, EVERYONE LOUNGING AROUND AS CREATORS PREPARE SEASON THREE

(Katara reading aloud a letter to Toph)

" _Hey Toph, Mike & Bryan here. We just wanted to let you know how happy we are that you joined the GAang and we hope you've enjoyed your first season here at ATLA. You were lots of fun to work with and we're thrilled to have you aboard for another arc. We're all looking forward—er, highly anticipating—all of season three's impending excitement, and just wanted to say "thanks" for all the hard work you put in with your rockin' earth bending._

" _Enjoy our little thank-you gift!_

" _Your two dads,_

" _M & B"_

Katara looked up, smiling.

"Oh! They're so nice!"

Katara remembered her own gift from Mike & Bryan after her first season of shooting—a contract extension for a second season. She'd been grateful and thrilled she wouldn't have to go near a casting couch for at least another year. She was really happy the guys had gotten a little something for Toph and expected it was probably a toy of some sort, more age-appropriate for the younger girl.

"Toph? What did they give you? An iPod? A new costume for season three? A little paid bonus?" Katara's voice became distant as she trailed off.

She stared, disbelievingly at what the blind earthbender had received.

"This! Isn't it awesome?" cried Toph, grinning from ear to ear.

"… Is that what I think it is?" asked Katara weakly.

"Oh yeah!" crooned Toph, bounding into the driver's seat.

"That's  _Fred Flintstone's car_ , Toph."

"I know, a classic, eh? It handled great on the spin I took at lunch."

"TOPH! You aren't old enough to… WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'AT LUNCH'?!"

"At the go-kart track down the road. They even let me drift the S-curve. I think I need to lower it and adjust the suspension a bit before I go back for my next test drive, though."

"..." Speechless, the older girl struggled to find some way of conveying her shock and fury.

"Katara?" enquired Toph, wondering what had happened to her friend.

Toph heard a nasty-sounding 'thump-thump-thump' from Katara's feet as she stomped angrily towards the creators' studio.

* * *

 

SAME PARKING LOT, LATER THAT AFTERNOON

Aang, working his amazing, larger-than-life, Avatar peacemaker magic, had calmed Katara down and convinced her to come back around to enjoy Toph's new toy with everyone else over drinks and cookies. He beamed a wide smile at her, and, eventually, she returned his enthusiasm and agreed that yes, she'd been a  _little_  immature and perhaps jealous, and she should apologise to Toph and congratulate her on her success. She really had enjoyed working with Toph and was glad Aang had pulled her back into their group of friends to have some fun before they returned home.

"See, Katara? Look at how well Sokka and Toph are finally getting along?" he soothed, trying to cheer up his best friend as they approached the wreck—er, "vintage" means of conveyance—where Sokka and Toph were excitedly making plans. It was like Christmas morning for the two easily-excitable youths. "You'll finally be able to pawn him off on someone else for a while and have some time to yourself. Look how happy he is, messing around with his head under the hood of the, uh, 'car'. I bet he'll be occupied for hours, and you don't have to worry about him breaking your things or tearing his pants if he's in one place," continued Aang, optimistically.  _Finally_ , he thought,  _a chance to get her brother out of the way. Now to make my move…_

Then the singing started up.

_(Sokka and Toph, to the tune of "The Flintstones" theme)_

"Bei Fong,  
Meet Toph Bei Fong!  
She's a real earthbending prodigy!  
From the town of Gaoling,  
It's a place right out of fantasy!

"Let's ride with the Boom'rAang down the street.  
Through the courtesy of Toph's two feet.

"When you're with the Bei Fongs,  
Have a pimp-my-ride, fool, time,  
And damn-my-new-ride's fine,  
We'll have a gay old time!"

"SOKKAAAAAAAAAA!" hollered Aang, reeling back at the sight of the mess in front of him as he and Katara rounded the vehicle. Katara, strangely, said nothing. "You used Momo as a grime rag?" he gasped. "And Appa's tail as an oil drop-sheet?"

The monk's eyes sparked, and the light breeze that had been gently wafting around the group became noticeably more… agitated.  _Calm down_ , he thought,  _Katara doesn't need to deal with this, too. I just spent half an hour polishing my head so I could look good to finally ask her out, I am NOT wasting this chance on Sokka being an idiot…_

"Hey Aang! Wanna come drifting with me? I already got a membership offer from Drifting Pretty, the all-girl drift team! I'm gonna have fangirls!" chattered Toph excitedly. "I bet we'll have the guys' teams on the run in no time!"

"Hah! Good one, Toph, on the run!" snorted Sokka, wiping more grease off his hands onto the poor flying lemur. "Oh, hey Aang. Yeah, sorry about Momo and Appa, but I'm sure it'll come right out. Katara's great at that kind of thing."

Momo was looking decidedly ill, though he tried valiantly for a debonair Batman-ish pose in his new black coat. "It's ok, Momo," soothed Aang picking up his pet lovingly and settling him on his shoulders while he inspected Appa's messed fur more closely. Sighing, he continued, "Maybe another time, Toph." He heard a light snapping noise and turned just in time to see Katara turn a threatening, but incredibly attractive, shade of infinite fury.

"…good at that kind of thing?" breathed Katara delicately, softly, almost too quietly to hear. But somehow, they all heard. "… _good_  at that kind of thing?" she repeated. And they all felt that special, powerful, absolutely gut-clenching moment of fear that only gave the slightest warning to the impending terror to befall them. "Sokka, am I really  _good at that kind of thing_?"

Sokka considered his next words carefully—very, very carefully. For Sokka, it was the equivalent of spontaneously gaining the brainpower of the presidency of MENSA  _and_  Einstein.

"Well, Katara," he began as bravely as he could while she loomed in front of him. "I think actually I may be more suited to this particular task," his voice cracked, "and really, you should go have a night out and relax – on my tab! Here," whipping out his wallet, he started ripping as many plastic cards as he could from their organised slots, "Aang will take you, and you can take as many of your friends out as you want. Hey, I bet Jet and Haru are around, wanna go hang out with them?"

His voice was speeding up, and soon he was barreling along, babbling and urgently reaching for any sign of potential war-path-avoidance available.

"Here's my Visa, and my MC, and oh, just in case, my American Express, and you have no curfew tonight! NONE AT ALL! Your big brother will be working hard, cleaning, cleaning, cleaning the lemur and the flying bison until they squeak and shine, and you can sit back and go get a massage! How's that? Oh, and I'll do the regular laundry, too! And I want you to go take in a play, or an opera, or a water-bending demonstration at the cultural centre—don't those sound wonderful?" his voice getting more and more desperate, his tone getting higher and higher, his eyes begging for mercy as he pleaded with his sister for forgiveness. "Please don't kill me," he said in a tiny voice, flinging his arms in front of his face to protect him from the anticipated assault.

Katara looked at the pile of credit cards he'd shoved into her hands. Some had his name, some had the names of some of his… _girlfriends_? She looked closer.  _Oh man, he is such a player…_

Katara calmed slightly at the thought of attending one of the waterbending demonstrations she'd seen advertised at the cultural centre, though.  _Aang may enjoy it too, seeing as he_ _ **is**_ _the Avatar._  She looked over at the enraptured monk, holding up a credit card at random. "Wanna go with me?" she asked simply.

 _Everywhere_. "Sure, let's take the afternoon off and go to the market, too," he smiled, already plotting out ways to try and convince the lovely dark-haired girl to practice their bending in a hot tub at a hotel, just in case they didn't make it home that night.  _He did say no curfew…_

Meanwhile, Toph snorted under the hood of the car, pulling out another random part and throwing it carelessly behind her. "Still too heavy, need to lose more weight before it'll balance properly in the corners," she muttered.  _Sokka's an idiot to send his sister out with Aang and Katara's an idiot to let herself be played so easily,_  she thought.  _Though she_ _ **did**_ _end up with all the money…_  Bah, she had plenty of money herself, what with the Bei Fong fortune. And soon, she'd own the track (well, not literally  _own_  it, but she'd rule it!) and have more fangirls than even Zuko!  _Beat that, Prince of Angst! Silly girlie-man…_  Toph continued tinkering with the engine bay for a bit before her frustration got the better of her and she suddenly hurled a spanner at it. Sokka looked over at her curiously.

Straightening up, she threw her hands on her hips and exclaimed in exasperation, "DAMNIT! Sokka, what color is my car?"

* * *

 

IN ANOTHER AREA OF THE STUDIO

Zuko sat up in a panic. He'd sensed a great disturbance in the force…  _Were those?_ —

Iroh sprang into the room, the door flying open, his eyes wide and his face grave. "Nephew, did you-?"

"Yes, Uncle. I felt it, too." His face set stonily. He picked up his swords. This could only mean one thing.

"Someone's trying to steal my fangirls, Uncle."

/end ch.01

* * *

 

/AN: References in this chapter: The Flintstones, Initial D, Family Guy, Mr. T., Pimp My Ride

/AN: It was pointed out to me that my 'spelling' was occasionally wrong, and that some of my vocab is difficult to understand. Just to clarify: I'm not American, so these are likely just differences in the spelling and vocabulary I learned as a kid. My parents are from the UK, and I'm Canadian. Our rules are a little different. (At least the ones I learned growing up!) A spanner is a wrench.

**IMPORTANT A.N.: Version 2.0, Aug/2007:**

**This story was originally conceived back in December 2006, and was intended to finish up around Christmas/New Years several weeks later. (For a number of reasons, it didn't.) As I'm now revising the story to improve its cohesion, I'm adding in a small note here at the beginning to remind readers this is a 'holiday story' of sorts. It becomes quite obvious in later chapters, but if you're reading outside of holiday-time, it may seem a bit strange. (It's also intentionally odd, don't worry, it isn't just you!) In addition, this story was partly 'crack'-based. There are a number of references to other shows, books, movies, etc., found throughout this story: if something seems familiar, check the ANs at the bottom of each chap to see if I was referencing something specific. (More than likely). This story was also intended as a COMEDY, not a romance-fic by any stretch of the imagination. It was shaped, and later given alternate 'ship-specific epilogues, by the comments and crits I received on the original chapters. If you don't get too deterred by the ship itself, I recommend you read both- you can skip the 'mushy' parts easily. Finally, the characters in this story are actors playing themselves. (IE: Katara is still Katara, but she's an actress playing herself; this story is slightly AU that way. They aren't really in the Avatarverse, and the creators (M & B) show up peripherally. You'll see what I mean immediately once you start reading. It may seem inconsistent.)**

**Also, immeasurable thanks to renagrrl for beta-ing this revised edition, and to tikkihikki, solitaryguard, and heartsyhawk for their comments/crits/suggestions on the original.**

**Thank you for reading!**

* * *

**Chapter 2: Chapter 2: VIP!**

* * *

" **The Gift Horse"**

**AN: All materials are copyright their original creators.**

Chapter 02 Summary: After some misunderstandings, Aang takes Katara out for the day to cheer her up, and Sokka and Zuko find themselves up to their eyeballs in Toph's wrath.

* * *

 

Chapter 02: VIP!

STUDIO PARKING LOT

Sokka trudged over to the makeshift 'wash station' with a scrub brush and plenty of soap. Muttering darkly to himself, he started laundering all the clothes; he figured they could dry while he washed Momo later, as he was expecting the lemur-cleansing to be even  _less_  fun than the laundry.  _Sure, I admit, I'm partly to blame – but does the heavy-duty soap really need to smell this bad?_ His nose wrinkled distastefully.  _Seriously, this is some nasty whale-fat-derived gunk…_

"Stupid mess," he grumbled to himself, sitting awkwardly and trying to beat the clothes into cleanliness with his boomerang. This went on for a while, and he was talking to himself out of boredom soon enough. "Katara can just  _bend_  the water to clean and dry this stuff. I mean, I was providing her with a valuable opportunity to hone her skills and what does she do? Show me any appreciation? No! Of course not! She runs off with Aang and all my money for the night, with no curfew, no other friends to go who knows where and do who knows what while I sit here by myself, cleaning laundry, waiting for them to…" his voice trailed off as he reconsidered what he'd just admitted to himself.

Katara and Aang.

Alone.

Together.

All his money. His  _special_  cards.

No curfew.

…  _valuable opportunity_ …

 _Oh no_ …

Jumping to his feet with a frustrated cry, Sokka started screaming, "Toph, ready the wreck! You gotta help prevent me from becoming an uncle!" Or at the least, a financially-desecrated bum.

* * *

 

AT THE TURBO-TOPH

"Hey Teabag!" Toph smiled at her visitor. She bent an easy chair out of the nearby earth for Iroh before wiping her grimy hands on her robes. "What brings you out my way?"

"Why thank you, this is most comfortable," chuckled the Dragon of the West. "Oh, nothing much. So what do we have here?" he asked curiously, avoiding her question. Toph was so excited about her new toy, she didn't notice his evasion.

"Mike and Bryan gave it to me for doing such a good job my first season—isn't it fantastic?" she exclaimed. Immediately, she started listing off all of the 'improvements' she'd already made and what she was planning for the upcoming week. Iroh nodded and made appreciative sounds, following Toph around the car as she kept up her detail-heavy monologue.

"-and here's where we'll be installing the nitrous tanks," she thumped at a random-seeming area on the rear bumper, "but I wanna talk to Aang and Sokka first, since they may know of a few engineering or airbender tricks and things to help me out with that, and-"

Iroh's head was spinning as he seized on the first subject he recognized. "Ah! And how is your young monk friend?" he asked fondly, trying not to sound desperate.  _Kids these days and their toys_ , he thought ruefully.  _Who can keep up with all their newfangled gizmos?_

"Oh, he's off with Sugar Queen for the day," she snorted. "Sokka really did it this time. I think Meatbag must like the taste of his own feet, 'cuz he was chewing on 'em pretty hard!" She threw her hands into the air in frustration as she turned to face Iroh, clearly disgusted with the whole debacle Sokka had inadvertently caused. She continued gesturing as she went on. "So Twinkle-Toes took her out for the night to cool off with all of Sokka's cash—gotta hand it to her, Katara really knows how to get the goods. And Meatbag got stuck with doing all the laundry. Hah! Like he'll really get his warrior mojo going with that!" She snorted again, bending herself a pit under the car, jumping into it, and fooling around with a part underneath the car's carriage.

The old firebender could easily picture the scene Toph had described, and smiled to himself, wondering if Zuko would ever have friends who'd take him out to relax when he lost his temper. Ever. If it meant even one of the banished prince's tantrums were averted, Iroh would give the poor soul—er,  _friend_ \- diplomatic immunity in the Fire Nation for life. He sat down on his haunches and peered at Toph fiddling with a pipe of some sort.

"Sounds like quite the argument. Do you need a hand with that? I can barely see what you're doing," he asked politely.

"Sure, could you get me a light? It's pretty dark down here," she deadpanned. Iroh chuckled again.

Smiling, he suggested a cup of tea instead, which Toph accepted when she finished. As they sat together at the lovely table Toph bent for them (with a sunshade no less!), they enjoyed the peace of each other's company in the warm afternoon light. They found a kind of simple kinship in these shared moments, each one viewing the world a little bit differently from those around them. Iroh smiled at a compliment Toph made about the subtle blending of the flowers in the tea after the first sip of the brew flowed delicately over her palate.

"You noticed! I'm so glad. Zuko-the ignorant sod-uses it to water the plants..."

"That's because he's never taken the time to notice how beautifully the petals of the chrysanthemum unfurl in the cup as it steeps," she replied, sensing the blossoms' tiniest vibrations through the water that touched her lips. She gazed unseeing at her cup another moment before raising the rim to her mouth and taking another thoughtful mouthful.

Iroh wondered if his young colleague meant more by that than what she was saying, but recognized the familiar look of annoyance that passed over her face as she sat up a little straighter. Zuko was hurriedly approaching them now, features tense and his body language practically screaming  _'Ready the ships! The Avatar-hunt is on!'_

Iroh sighed, feeling the tension build in his neck and shoulders already.

"It's ok, Teabag. He'll have to leave home someday and your teapot collection will finally be safe from Angry Lad's tantrums," soothed Toph gently, attempting to console her tea-mate.

"Uncle! I just received a disturbing piece of intelligence about the Avatar!" cried Zuko, completely oblivious to the serenity of the tea party he'd just interrupted. Iroh tried not to sigh aloud as he prayed to Agni for patience. Did Zuko make no distinction between on the show and off the show? This was their vacation! He didn't need to keep hunting the Gang… Oh well, some bad habits must die hard, he supposed.

Before the old gentleman could reply, though, Sokka ran screaming through the site, whale-bone club swinging wildly in one hand and boomerang raised in the other, trying in vain to express his concerns in human speech.

"Katara! Aang! Acrobats! Grease monkey-lemurs! MONEY! Gone! Steal! VIP! Brother! No curfew! Dead! Credit cards! Dad! Kill! Avatar! No meat! Ohmygodtheycouldbeatahoteltogetherrightnow!  _Noooooooooo_!" He babbled and sputtered, running in circles, and while Toph couldn't see his exaggerated flailings, she knew they were giving her a headache anyway.

Zuko hadn't let up on Iroh, either, and was insisting they commandeer a ship of some sort to go after them.

"Zuko," said his uncle patiently, rubbing his temples and trying to calm his nephew, "neither of us has a navy, anymore. And we're on  _land_  now, anyway…"

Sokka and Zuko renewed their frenzied protesting, yelling, and commanding and ultimately both headed towards the car with the same thought in their minds—"Get the Avatar, at all costs!" (Apparently doing so as loudly as possible, too.)

"Oh that's  _IT_!" screamed Toph, finally losing her patience. Throwing her hands down in exasperation, she effectively planted the banished prince and water tribe warrior in the ground so deeply that only their angry little heads peeped above the surface.

"HEY!" yelled the surprised teens in unison. Toph's eyes closed to slits, she twisted her hands slightly and screwed them deeper into the ground until the two young men faced each other, noses barely a foot apart.

"One. More.  _Word_ … and you'll both be in there up to your EYEBALLS!" screamed Toph angrily, stomping her foot (causing the earth to shake violently) and growling at them a bit, daring them to speak.

They wisely held their tongues, eyeing the ground with renewed respect.

"That's better," she snapped. Turning away from the sullen boys, she briskly shoved her tea cup at the older gentleman. Iroh smiled again, his eyes twinkling in admiration at the young girl's guerilla tactics, and poured her a new cup of tea-he'd just re-warmed the pot with a bit of bending while she looked after their 'company.' "Thank you, Teabag," she said graciously.

"Oh no, thank  _you_ ," he replied sweetly in his gravelly voice.

Sokka and Zuko glared daggers at each other, but were too scared they'd end up as fertilizer to argue.

* * *

 

THE MARKETPLACE

Meanwhile, Aang and Katara were enjoying their time at the street vendors. Not a single credit card had been rejected, though they had already maxed out at least half a dozen of them. They'd made a necklace of the exhausted cards and tried to alternate the colors of the small rectangles into a nice pattern.

"-but I really think Appa  _would_  like a diamond-encrusted collar and saddle set with matching reigns!"

Aang looked at his beautiful, wise, normally sane friend.  _How do I put this diplomatically_ , he thought to himself…

At his confused look, Katara seemed to regain some semblance of her former self, however, and quietly asked, "What did I just say?"

Aang eyed her carefully before replying, "Something too awful to be repeated, and we shall never speak of it again, Katara."

Noticing his friend getting upset again, Aang quickly retracted and held up his hands in a reassuring gesture. "It's ok, though! We don't need to keep up the shopping therapy. We've replaced all the gear that got damaged in the last battle, and those orphans were thrilled with the grocery vouchers we gave them! Distributing them in those fancy Louis Vuitton bags was a really nice touch, Katara! Only you would have come up with that!"  _While you were completely_   _nuts,_  "It was really thoughtful of you!"  _Though I admit I have no idea what you were thinking…_

"Really?" she asked her friend hopefully, turning to him and looking at him with big blue eyes.

 _Wow, I'm a completely dead man if she asks me for anything right now_ , he realised. "Oh yes!" he said with utmost sincerity. Katara smiled and threw her arms around his neck.  _Definitely worth the half-hour of polishing_ , he grinned.

"Thank you, Aang! You're right, we don't need to keep shopping-we covered all our essentials. Want to go dump these things off somewhere-" she indicated, pointing at their mountain of parcels, "and head over to the waterbending demo? There should be a nice hotel near the show—wanna order roomservice and stay up all night? We're on vacation for awhile, so we might as well take advantage of it!"

Aang's smile couldn't reach any further across his face if he'd tried. "Sure, Katara, anything you want," he squeaked. Scolding himself, he thought,  _Man up, Aang, you're trying to impress her!_  Pulling one of the yet unused credit cards from his tunic, he walked over to a luxury chauffeur-carriage. "Let's ride in style," he suggested, and went to speak to the driver.

"Great idea, Aang! You're really spoiling me today, though." She paused for a moment. "Thanks," she said, too softly for him to hear. Katara smiled and gratefully let the chauffeur load her packages into the vehicle before being helped into the rear of the carriage. She opened up the curtains slightly to look outside, reveling in the colors and multitudes of people walking by. She leaned back on the bench and sighed happily.

Aang smiled in return, seeing Katara finally relax. He quickly airbended his own packages into the carriage before stopping the driver again.

"Hey, quick question," he said, "for an extra $100, could you drive us around the scenic areas for a while before actually taking us to the best hotel in town?" Aang flashed the credit card at the chauffeur. The man whistled low before tipping his hat back and eyeing Aang with newfound respect. Aang looked at the rectangular piece of plastic quizzically— _is there something weird with this one_?

"With that, you can buy me  _and_  the car, son!" laughed the man, slightly awestruck.

"Huh?" Aang looked at the chauffeur in confusion.

"You rich folks don't know your own wealth! Well, I suppose you probably have so many cards you probably lose track of which ones are good for what," said the man, briefly indicating Katara's "nouveau riche folkart" necklace before continuing. "That," he pointed to Aang's current card, "my young master, is an Ultra-Platinum Super-Debit Infinite card—it has no limit, will get you VIP status in any club, restaurant, or hotel, and is also a get-out-of-jail-free card on weekends. Guard it  _wisely_. They are usually only given to celebrities, dignitaries, royalty, and other such figures. No one is sure exactly where the money comes from, but they are  _infinitely_  powerful. They can also be used to help sort your M&Ms by color!" he finished genially.

Aang thanked the man and returned to the carriage to sit across from Katara. He was still a little stunned—and beginning to wonder if he'd saved a God in a past life.

"Aang, are you ok? Come on; sit down over here beside me. Let's look at our things… Aang?... Aang, are you ok? Are those tears?" Katara reached over anxiously, gently moving to her friend and staring at him in concern.

"Oh, sorry, Katara. No, no, these are tears of joy. Don't worry, I'm just really happy!"  _Happier than I've ever been in any of my past lives!_

"Oh, Aang, I'm such a terrible person! You've tried so hard today, you're probably exhausted. I'm sorry I was so angry earlier! We'll do something really nice later on, ok? Whatever you want," she smiled at him, trying to cheer him up.

Aang smiled at her and let the tears fall freely, silently praying to the Gods that Sokka be reborn as a saint in his next life.  _This was the best day, ever!_

The Avatar was still slightly flabbergasted, though. How had  _Sokka_  of all people gotten one of these cards? He looked down at the name embossed on the front of the glorious small rectangle of plastic privilege:

_Ty Lee_

Oh.

_Oooooohhhhhh…_

/end ch.02

* * *

 

/AN: References in this chapter: Initial D, The Flintstones (refs to Toph's car)

/AN: ENORMOUS thanks to renagrrl for her benevolent patience and critical eye!

* * *

**Chapter 3: Chapter 3: Part 01: Kiss de Girl!**

* * *

" **The Gift Horse"**

Chapter 03 (Part 1) Summary: Zuko ends up as a human whack-a-mole, and Aang and Katara enjoy a water-bending show whose cast seems to be plagued with strange injuries...

* * *

Chapter 03: Kiss de girl (Part 1)!

 

AT THE TURBO-TOPH

"Toph, I'm sorry. It was wrong of me to lose control of myself like that. I'm very worried about my sister and I think it's best if we find 'em as soon as we can," his head moving as penitently as possible, Sokka pleaded with his captor—er, friend. Toph paid him no heed.

"It'll have to wait until after we complete  _our_  task  _first_ , peasant," growled Zuko, clearly trying to maintain a dignified demeanor even while encased neck-deep in mud. He shook his shaggy hair out of his eyes for the –nth time. "Uncle, get me out of here so we can be on our way," he commanded.

Iroh ignored Zuko and as the later seethed and steam hissed from between his teeth, the retired general chattered happily with Toph, following her and climbing into the passenger seat of the 'car'—the vehicle that sat just a few feet away from Sokka's and Zuko's heads. Zuko was getting a bit… concerned. "Uncle," he called. Iroh settled comfortably into his seat. "Uncle!" He tried with more force.

"Toph, come on, let me out," whined Sokka, oblivious to Zuko's growing uneasiness.

"Uncle, did you hear me? Get me out!"

"Now, what you want to do," said Iroh patiently to his sightless chauffeur, completely disregarding his nephew, "is try not to spill a single drop when you come through the corners." He placed his tea cup, three-quarters full of beloved jasmine goodness, in the cupholder on the dash. "You must keep the car balanced. Now, let's practice acceleration control and heel-toe technique."

"Yes, Bunta—I mean, Teabag," agreed Toph. "But we don't have any pylons to circle—whatever could I use as my focus point?" she smiled innocently, facing the heads of Sokka and Zuko as they poked out of the ground like whack-a-mole heads in an arcade game.

She warmed her feet up, effectively 'revving' the engine; and bending herself a roadway that led straight to her two captives.

Zuko felt sweat break out across his forehead. Sokka, finally remarking something very potentially bad was about to happen, noted the determined look on Toph's face with growing apprehension. "Uh, Toph? Could we talk about this? I really think we should approach this like adul— _AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!_ " The watertribe warrior's terrified screams filled the air as Toph squealed her tires, her car lunging forward like a panther springing upon the two teenage boys.

"Uncle!" yelled Zuko, breathing fire while Sokka, at the same moment, fainted dead away with a delicate sigh. Exasperated, Zuko gave in to hollering detailed, colorful descriptions of what his uncle could expect in retribution when the prince freed himself.

Iroh chortled happily as Toph continued pulling donuts around the cursing prince and unconscious water tribesman.

In that split-second, though, Zuko heard it. The movement of that strange, powerful, unearthly force—that… that was  _fandom_!  _His fangirls_! His eyes grew wide and blazed with fury. The tires spun inches from his nose, but looking up, he saw Toph masterfully drifting around him and his uncle warmly encouraging her. The banished prince's eyebrows knit and his eyesslowly narrowed in realization.  _So, this is the threat to my harem of fangirls._   _I'll see about that…_

Unaware, Sokka remained blissfully unconscious, his drool slowly pooling to make mud beneath his chin.

* * *

AANG AND KATARA ARRIVE AT THE WATERBENDING SHOW, EARLY EVENING

 

The Water Tribe Cultural Centre was a beautiful piece of open, rounded, flowing spaces. There were several performance and exhibit halls contained within, and streams, ponds, pools and aquariums gracefully flowed into each other throughout the entire structure. Subdued overhead beams of track-lighting, special glowing underwater fluorescence and colorful schools of exotic fish added to the peaceful and awe-inspiring décor and atmosphere. Aang and Katara breathed deeply of the pure air, richly oxygenated from the fountains of water that flowed throughout the building. Despite the activity of the productions held there, it remained a very peaceful milieu.

Above them were enormous skylights to let in the sunshine during the day, and allow beautiful skyscapes of the moon and stars at night. Patrons milled about, chatting and mingling, and Aang and Katara absorbed it all in wonder. Everyone was dressed in their finest and Aang, standing next to Katara near a turtle pool, felt indescribably happy as others came to compliment them or just plain admire them. He had flashed, discreetly of course, his VIP pass and managed to get a private, royal box for himself and Katara, but first their guide would introduce them to the cast so they could greet them and then go collect some snacks to take back to their seats for the night.

"This place is so amazing," breathed Katara in awe, staring wondrously at their surroundings. "Did you see the way they built small alcoves in the walls and made them look like caves? They're so the patrons can sneak out and have private conversations without disturbing the other spectators during the show. It's incredible!" She adjusted her shawl a bit, not realizing Aang had been about to put his arm around her.

"Ingenious," he agreed.  _Conversation? Yeah, right_ , he thought,  _I can think of a few better things people could do in those little secluded alcoves_. Thankfully, he kept the lascivious thought to himself.

Their guide led them to the rear entry of the cast dressing area, where the immediate shift from pleasant ambiance to complete and utter chaos left the benders utterly speechless.

Several of the actors were crying desperately, while other crew members tried to calm them down. Meanwhile, the stage director was a sight to behold. He was ripping his hair out with one hand, while the other hand flapped wildly about with a half-chewed script, screaming something about 'love-struck, weak-kneed drama queens.'

"Wow, they really get into things here, don't they?" commented their guide, sweating nervously—before the director threw himself off the stage and into the orchestra pit in a suicide attempt.

Katara flew into action to save him. With lightning-quick reflexes, she waterbended a smooth wave from the nearby streams- fish included- around the irate director, sweeping him out of the air as he tipped off the stage. Bringing her hands across her body in a flowing motion, Katara's footsteps glided as she twisted around. She gracefully retrieved the man, her wave gently raising him back up and around the edge of the stage as he rode in a small whirlpool flashing and teeming with life.

The lithe young woman swiveled, depositing the director back on stage (and away from the edge) before carefully separating the water into equal streams and returning it and its little free-riding creatures to their respective streams in a few arcs and waterfalls. Aang, along with the entire cast and crew, stood transfixed at the sight of the master waterbender under the stage-lights, the mist of water left in the air creating rainbows that shimmered around her.

"Did I get them all?" asked Katara, looking around for any stray fish. She was paying not a single iota of attention to the stares of adoration befalling her.

" _YOU_ ," stated the director with finality, pointing an arm straight at her. He'd finally settled down enough to join in the staring-at-Katara contest, and, to the master waterbender, his eyes were entirely unsettling.

The blue-eyed girl backed away a step from the unstable man. This didn't look good. Trying to head towards Aang, she laughed nervously. "Uh, can't wait to see the show guys, looks like things are going, uh, great!"  _Big smile, avert your eyes, no sudden moves, and back away slowly_ , she thought. "We'll be going now. Bye!"

" _STOP THEM!_ " screamed the lunatic with the script. The actors and crew formed a tight ring around the master bender and the Avatar, trapping them.  _Didn't we come here for a show? How did this turn into 'Prison Break'?_  Wondered Katara, dumbounded.

Aang and Katara looked at each other before facing their actor-captors. The two young people knew it would be difficult to get through it without at least several people getting hurt, and really, these were performers, not fighters, so it was very likely that they would get  _quite_  hurt. "Any ideas, Aang?" asked Katara, back to back with her friend as they surveyed the ever-tightening ring.

"Uh—wait! Um… We didn't mean to cause trouble! We're really sorry! Could you please let us just walk away?" he asked hopefully. The circle kept advancing on them.

"'A' for effort anyway, Aang," consoled Katara, still waiting for some kind of response from the group surrounding them. She briefly wondered if she had enough time to sharpen the edges of the maxed-out credit cards and use them as shurinken.

The director held up his hand to halt his troupe. He planted himself before Katara, giving her a thorough once-over with critical eyes. Katara felt her temper rise at the appraisal, but kept her composure.

"I'll take you," he said to her, in no uncertain terms before turning imperiously to Aang.

"Young Avatar, you may return to your seat. I hope you enjoy the masterpiece we've strived to create for your enjoyment." Dismissing the monk and putting on a mega-watt smile, he turned to Katara.

"My darling…" he began smoothly, holding out a shiny-robed arm and indicating he wanted to take her hand. She eyed him warily.

"My lead for one of the largest scenes just ran off with her understudy. Something about love and freedom, I think, I really wasn't paying attention, though. Anyway, I'm going to make you a star—so hurry up!" When she didn't take his hand, he threw a costume at her in guise of explanation, and topped it off with a new script. His assistants, appearing seemingly out of thin air, hustled her towards a dressing room and left Aang to stare after them. The Avatar felt his anger rising, and took a step towards the director, every fiber of his being intent on retrieving his friend so they could just return to their very private box seats so they could do whatever he wanted and watch the show,  _not act_  in it—

"—And don't come out until you have that pink seashell bra on and that low-rise, hip-hugger mermaid tail, little Miss Master Waterbender!" yelled the director.

- _but really_ , thought Aang,  _this was a great opportunity for Katara, and he should support her_ —

"Boss, we need the next seashell size up, this pair's too small," called one of the assistants from the dressing room, holding out the ill-fitting top.

"Fine, here's a bigger one," said the costume-fitter, tossing the assistant another top. The first assistant poked her hand out of the dressing room to retrieve it.

- _support… friend… in… stuff…_  Aang's mind got a bit fuzzy at that point. Shaking himself, he quickly shifted gears.  _Katara should use this experience to grow as an actress_ , he told himself firmly. He shifted a little as he became a little… uncomfortable.

Aang moved to listen to the assistants from behind a nearby prop bin.  _I'm not sneaking, I'm casually observing from an unobtrusive location_ , he convinced himself, ducking further down as someone walked past.

"Oh, the final scene?" Katara must have asked the assistant about her role. Though it was a bit muffled, Aang could still make out part of their conversation. "Oh, well you'll be in a small boat with 'Prince Charming,' and all you have to do is sit there while all the fish sing around you. The director will give you an earpiece and instruct you when he wants you to bend the water a bit. Don't worry, for someone with your expertise, this is going to be a cake walk! And take a look at your 'Prince Charming!'" teased the assistant, opening the door of the dressing room a crack so Katara could peek out. Aang looked around furtively before spotting the 'Prince' amongst the other cast members.

— _oh no, not him_ , thought the air nomad apprehensively.

A few meters away, Jet sat with his feet atop a table.

"…Kiss…water… so romantic!" sighed the assistant. Aang spun back around to eavesdrop again, but the door had already shut and he missed part of the assistant's words. He'd heard enough, though.  _Oh, there is_ _ **no way**_ _Katara is having a romantic kissing scene in a dinky little boat with Jet,_ decided the monk

Quickly forming his plan, Aang plastered his usual carefree grin on his face, stretched his arms and cracked his knuckles… and ' _accidentally_ ' airbended Jet into a heavy piece of scenery—several dozen meters backstage.

"Oh, geez, sorry! Something startled me and I didn't mean to do that! Sorry, Jet!" the Avatar apologized profusely as the former rebel leader was carried away, unconscious.  _One down_ , thought Aang to himself.

"Haru! You're Jet's understudy, get out here and get ready!" yelled the director glancing up and around. He was too busy speaking with the lighting crew and special effects technicians to really notice anything out of the ordinary, though.

Aang's eyes narrowed briefly as he sighted his next target—er, ' _obstacle.'_

Haru walked out of his dressing room, slightly confused as to how Jet had managed to throw himself hard enough into a piece of scenery to warrant a concussion. He took his place in hair and makeup. Aang meandered over to his old friend, giving the earthbender a mighty wallop on the back in recognition. "Hey Haru!"  _Please forgive me for this, it isn't personal_ …

"Hey Aang!" smiled the ponytailed boy. "I'd heard we had visitors, but I didn't know it was you here…" he droned on for a few minutes, Aang nodding enthusiastically at the kind bender's conversation all the while searching out something that was-but-wasn't-a-weapon – er, ' _deterrent'_.  _Yeah, deterrent_.  _Makeup could be re-applied, hair could be cut, come on, come on_ , he was getting frustrated at the lack of nearby 'necessities.' There had to be something here he could use…

He was immediately distracted from his search the moment Katara emerged from the dressing room. She was a vision under the bright lights, with glitter and a few thin braids woven into her now long, wavy hair. Her costume complimented her curves and strength, and she moved confidently around the stage, her element pervading her surroundings. She bent a few small streams of water around her arms, relaxing with the exercise, almost as if she were stretching. Good-natured catcalls, teasing compliments and applause rang out from some of the nearby crew, including Aang and Haru. Katara laughed and teased back, used to waterbending in far less clothing when she was on the show with her companions, anyway. She did a few small waterbending tricks to amuse everyone, enjoying herself on the set. It really was a waterbender's dream come true.

"Hey Katara! You look great—I didn't know you were going to be here. How come you're in the show, though? You look like the mermaid princess I'm supposed to—oomph!  _Ack!_ " Haru's voice was cut off as he was knocked off his stool by a mysterious, rogue sandbag weight that had fallen from the rafters above—and straight down onto his head. Witnesses would later recount the freakish accuracy of the strange event…

 _Oops_ , thought Aang, wincing a bit in sympathy.  _I'm sure you'll recover by the next performance though, friend_. He wisely thought better of whistling 'innocently' and instead helped his fallen comrade to the first aid office.

…And locked the head-injured boy inside.  _Just in case_ ,  _Haru. Sorry 'bout this!_

Rushing back to the scene, Aang saw the crew restraining the berserk director from impaling himself on a clarinet. He must have started paying attention to the actors again.

"It's doomed! My masterpiece is finished! One lead gone was bad enough, but four?"

Aang's brow furrowed _. Four?_  He did a quick tally. The female lead and her backup, now the male lead and his back up… Not that he had anything to do with the two women, but the men… O _h yeah, I guess I did get a bit carried away. Oops…_

"I thought I was lucky when Master Katara arrived, but now I know the gods are teasing me!" Screaming and straining, the director fixed his eyes on Aang. "And now you, you of all people must witness my humiliation! That which should have been my magnum opus has become my biggest failure! No! Free me from my mortal coil! I have nothing left!" He made another attempt at the orchestra, but his crew held onto him tightly from behind.

"Wow, this guy needs help-the expensive, professional kind," muttered Katara to Aang. They were standing a little ways away from the immediate action, but Katara held a water-whip ready at her fingertips. She suddenly straightened and turned to her friend with inspiration clear across her face.

"Wait!" she cried, garnering everyone's attention. She grabbed the monk's hand, partly thrilling him before she addressed the cast again. "Aang can be the lead! He's a pretty fast study, trust me, I'm his teacher. I'm sure he'd love to help out, too—I mean, he's the Avatar. If he can save the world, I bet he can save your show!" Glancing over at her friend, she sent him an encouraging smile.

 _Such a cheesy, awful compliment_ , he thought to himself.  _Could she lay it on any thicker?_  "That's me, Avatar Aang, master of a thousand trades," he laughed a bit nervously before straightening up when Katara elbowed him. "I'd be honored," he said to the director, solemnly bowing to him. He was aiming for an 'innocent, comforting' look, as opposed to his actual 'twice-over-assailant-on-the-poor-nutjob's-cast' look.

Realising he was less than 30 minutes from curtain time—and that Aang was offering to make the difference between his crowning achievement and a career-ending disgrace—the director took a deep breath and stopped trying to leap into the orchestra pit (much to the relief of the musicians). He nodded to himself and to Aang, accepting the young monk's proposal. His crew relaxed their grip on their crackpot leader. Pointing his index finger at various cast and crew members, he quickly began barking orders to try and reign in his troupe.

"You two, get the Avatar dressed and ready. You, read him the instructions for as many of the scenes as possible, at the very least the special effects-laden ones. You, get me a mic and earpiece from the tech storage closet…" With a flurry of activity, the cast and crew flew into their roles, incredibly managing to bring everything together under their chief's watchful eye.

 _I wonder if he may actually be a good director-when he isn't having a nervous breakdown,_ mused Katara. Which of course prompted her next thought,  _I wonder if he's ever_ not _having a breakdown…?_

"Three minutes!" signaled a technician from the side of the stage. All non-essential members for the opening scene exited the stage and melted into the far wings.

Katara was already in position, the director rapid-firing her some last-minute instructions. She likened it to a battle strategy and memorized everything. She was going to do her best!

But where was Aang? Seconds ticked by, and her heartbeat ratcheted up a notch. She was worried he'd completed the triumvirate of male-lead-casualties… She glanced upwards and started counting the sandbags to see if any more had come loose. "One, two, three, four…"

Popping up on a jet of air right in front of her and startling the director, the Avatar quickly boarded the boat. "Hey, sorry, just in time! I really think we should practice our important scene first though, eh Katara, Mr. Director?" Aang leaned forward towards Katara, but the director nudged him back and quickly pushed an earpiece at Aang.

"No time, Aang. Put this in your ear and follow my instructions  _to the letter_ , do you hear me? This is very important. You haven't been briefed on the whole production and it is important that you listen to me when I speak to you through the mic," the director's face and voice were very stern, and he clearly wanted Aang's full attention. The monk was having just a  _little_  trouble with that, though, what with the love of his life sitting less than a meter away in a mermaid costume. A  _really fantastic_  mermaid costume.

"Sure, Mr. Director. Anything you say," replied the airbender, gazing at Katara, completely infatuated.

Mumbling something to himself about  _having a bad feeling about this_ , the resigned director turned and trotted away as the one-minute countdown began. The music from the orchestra rose to a crescendo as the outer curtains slowly opened, one pair at a time, revealing the other actors and benders in their places, some already moving in a carefully choreographed dance.

Aang leaned forward again. "Katara, I need to tell you something," he whispered urgently.

"Not now, Aang," she hissed, worried the director would go apoplectic if they were to endanger his precious waterbending demonstration any further.

"It's really important!" the boy whispered desperately.

"Aang, please!" The last curtain swept apart, unveiling the two master benders and the rest of the cast; the director was staring at them like he expected a bomb to go off underneath them. After what had happened to the other leads, Katara actually spared some thought to the notion. "As soon as we finish, I promise, I'm all yours and I'm all ears, but we need to help the director now," she said sternly, trying not to let her face slip from the genteel smile she'd been coached to wear.

Aang sighed and smiled back painfully; knowing Katara was right, but dying to tell her anyway. He floated so smoothly into position, Katara almost would have sworn he'd hardly moved from it in the first place. From the corner of her eye, Katara saw the director relax and slump against the wall in relief that they were in position, actually following his orders.  _And doing quite well at that, too_ , she thought to herself proudly. The other actors had started bending beautiful, intertwining streams of water around the couple in the boat as the narrator sang along, setting the mood for the evening. Katara began to gently waterbend the pool their small boat floated around, causing it to spin slightly, listening to the lyrics and catching glimpses of the mad director every so often. She sincerely hoped he didn't have a heart condition. He was currently biting into the top of his script.

 _That can't be healthy. Very expensive help_ , she decided, mentally nodding.

(Lead vocalist, softly singing:)

_There you see her_

_Sitting there across the way_

_She don't got a lot to say_

_But there's something about her_

_And you don't know why_

_But you're dying to try_

_You wanna kiss the girl…_

The song changed as the first official scene began, as this was just the opening to the grander production. The boat spun around and slowly rocked a bit, the occupants gazing at each other under the appreciative looks of the audience.

The music swelled…

/end ch.03 - Thanks for reading!

* * *

/AN-1: Yes, this is only Part 1 of Chapter 03

 

/AN-2: "The Little Mermaid" lyrics are from this site : .

/AN-3: Refs in this chapter: Initial D (Go Bunta! Best fictional drifter ever!), The Little Mermaid

AN-4: I don't own Avatar and the lyrics within are borrowed from Disney's "The Little Mermaid" (fav movie—I thought it really suited the mood of the scene, sorry, I'm not very original!). All materials are copyright their original creators.

AN-5: 'apoplectic' means to 'stroke out', 'have a fit'.

**AN-6: Thanks again to Rena for her wonderful help with wording and tuning the finer points! (And all the not-so-fine ones, too!)**

* * *

**Chapter 4: Chapter 3: Part 02: Kiss de Girl!**

* * *

" **The Gift Horse"**

**AN: I don't own Avatar! All materials are copyright their original creators.**

The cast of Avatar receive gifts from their creators in recognition of all their hard work in Season 2. Toph is first in line.

Chapter 03 (Part 2) Summary: Zuko challenges Toph to an Agni Kai. Iroh teases Zuko about his 'girl' problems. Aang and Katara get up close and comfortable.

Chapter 03: Kiss de girl (Part 2)!

1

At the Turbo-Toph

Iroh and Toph hopped out of the car, thoroughly impressed with the vehicle's handling and balance. "And not a drop spilled!" proclaimed Toph proudly.

"Enough with the car– we need to find the Avatar and I need to complete my missions!" snapped Zuko's (now filthy, gradually worse sun burnt) head.

"Please forgive my nephew, he's at that age where all things girl-related send him into a hormone-driven fit," apologized Iroh quietly to Toph.

"Meh, no worries. Sokka's hung up like that, too," said Toph, brushing off Iroh's embarrassed explanation.

"Don't compare me to him! And aren't you going to defend your friends? So much for your famous team," snarled Zuko, taking his anger out on the pint-sized earth bender.

"Well, earlier I would have defended Meatbag, but what part of "Sokka", "disturbing", and "intelligence" am I supposed to argue with?" she asked, honestly perplexed.

Momentarily stumped, Zuko just sputtered a bit before quieting down again. Toph shrugged and returned to her own affairs.. Iroh's eyes sparkled; the little earthbender was wiser than she realised, sometimes. She had, quite effectively, made his nephew speechless. Sighing, she non-too-gently bended him out of the ground, leaving him sprawled out on his back and did the same for Sokka, though the watertribesman did receive a softer patch of earth to settle on, tummy-down. Snorting in his sleep and rolling onto his side, Sokka finally groaned awake, blinking up at his peers.

"WhaddidI miss?" he mumbled, scratching his head and giving another jaw-cracking yawn.

Zuko gave him a dismissive glance, but held his counsel to avoid another foray into the dirt.

"I buried you, scared you, and am now going to make you explain in  _polite_  language why you need to find Aang and Katara," said Toph to Sokka, her voice as patronizing as possible. Sokka groaned again, covering his face with his hands.

"I... goofed. Earlier on... I gave Aang and Katara a credit card they should never, EVER, have, and I need to get it back from them before it gets them into trouble. Please believe me, Toph, it's really important," he said seriously.

"A special  _card_?  _That's it_?" asked Zuko before he could stop himself. He looked away. He shouldn't lower himself to speaking with peasants, honour or no.

Sokka looked very nearly ill. "It's... a  _very_  special card. A card I  _never_  meant them to have. Look, please let's just go get them." The others looked at him expectantly.  _They were making this hard intentionally_ , he bet. "It's..." He took a deep breath. "It's an Ultra-Platinum Super-Debit Infinite Card, alright!" he said in a rush, and scowled mightily at the ground, his arms crossed in front of him.

"How did you come to acquire one of those, my young warrior?" asked Iroh warily. He and Zuko were eyeing the watertribe boy with interest. A great deal of interest. Sokka squirmed uncomfortably under their concerted attention.

"It doesn't matter," he mumbled, avoiding the old general and prince. "But Katara was  _really_  upset earlier, and I'd rather not be dealing with the consequences tomorrow, ok?"  _Or, oh gods, months later down the road_. He started sweating in panic. "I need to get that card back." He stood and started walking towards the car. "C'mon, Toph. Let's go. You can go back to your tea party as soon as we find Aang and Katara. They should still be at the demo at the moment, and we can catch them if we hurry." Toph grumbled but got up and followed her friend.

"Oh no, I don't think you understand," Iroh shook his head gravely and Toph stopped trailing Sokka and slowly looked between her friends.

"How angry was she?" asked Zuko tightly, paler than usual.

"Angry enough..." replied Sokka evasively He didn't like the look on Zuko's face. He liked it even less than how the sullen prince normally looked.

"How angry?" repeated Zuko, fists and teeth clenched.

"Maybe... really, really angry. Enough to scare Aang…" he said timidly. "…And make me do laundry," he squeaked out.

Zuko flared. "You idiot!" he yelled, advancing on the boomerang-less teenager.

"Prince Zuko, calm yourself," ordered Iroh, stepping in and taking command. "We need to help them find their friends and we'll deal with the rest later."

Sokka breathed a quick sigh of relief before pushing Zuko's buttons one last time as they all piled into the vintage car he and Toph had spent the day modifying. He figured he had Iroh's protection after all, now, so why not? "So, what's it to you whether they have one of those cards? Don't you have an entire royal bank account or something?" he said offhand. Iroh was riding shotgun.

Zuko's head snapped around so quickly Sokka knew he'd be burnt to a crisp had they been in battle. "Ignorant  _peasant_! Those cards are linked directly to the Fire Nation royal treasury, along with all the resulting diplomatic privileges and pardons! Your stupid, angry sister is out there  _bankrupting my trust fund_!" he stormed furiously, the look in his eyes 100 lethal.

Toph snorted at Sokka as he whimpered in his seat.

"Good one, Meatbag," she called sarcastically, expertly maneuvering them through the traffic.

"And how in the nine hells did I end up an  _underage blind girl's passenger_?" howled Zuko in aggregate frustration.

"We could take your car, if you had your license," Iroh supplied in teasing fashion. Sokka's ears twitched and the older watertribe child perked up at Iroh's comment.

"You failed your driver's test?" crowed Sokka incredulously.

"Shut up! The driver test instructor hated me from the minute I showed up!" countered the mortified prince, cheeks growing pink in embarrassment.

"Gee, was it your sparkling personality that set him off, Sugar Lips?" wheedled Toph, cutting in front of a landscaping truck.

"That's it!  _Agni Kat, dirt peasant!_ " screamed the irate prince from the back seat, all sense of dignity forgotten as he struggled against his seat belt.

"Zuko, she can't firebend," Iroh reminded him dryly.

"The she forfeits to me anyway!"

"You have more issues than Newsweek, Angry Lad."

"Shut up or fight, peasant!"

"Don't talk to her like that, she's driving you around to help us, you ungrateful-"

More yelling erupted. Iroh sighed and rubbed his head. He wondered vaguely how he could turn this situation to his advantage.

"Nephew, what is started in anger ends in shame. Calm yourself," insisted the Dragon of the West, trying to temper the mood of the passengers. They paused to look at Iroh before he continued. Settling himself a bit against the back of his seat, the experienced strategist folded his hands inside the sleeves of his robe and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. "Now, you are all worked up, I admit for different reasons. You should take a deep, cleansing breath and reflect on what's truly important to you. This will help you focus and figure out where you should put your energies. If you still feel the need for action, only then shall we have a competition," he finished, clearly in no mood for any more petty squabbles from his charges.

The teenagers looked at each other.

"I just want to make sure my sister's ok-," sighed Sokka distantly, unwilling to keep up the fight.

To their credit, Zuko and Toph waited a good split-second and nearly let Sokka finish his sentence before they started at each other's throats again.

"Anytime, anywhere," said Zuko shortly.

"Bring it on, Prancing Nancy," returned Toph with a menacing grin.

"Anytime before midnight, Uncle is the ref, no holds barred. The one with the most fangirls wins."

"Deal."

"Told you it had to do with girls," snorted Iroh offhand, rolling his eyes behind closed lids.

BACK AT THE WATER-BENDING SHOW

The show lasted a good two and a half hours, and seeing it from the performers' perspective, Katara gained incredible respect for her fellow actors' talents. Observing so many waterbenders working together, synchronized and in perfect form, their movements and media beautifully complimented and enhanced by the subtle special effects, Katara felt honored to be a member of such a cast. She knew Aang felt moved by the incredible display, too–his eyes were bright with unshed tears.

The music's tempo changed again, indicating the transfer to the final 'scene', the big finale.

"It's almost time, Katara," whispered Aang excitedly as he bended the air slightly to propel the boat to the correct mark. The director was still giving them directions through their earpieces, and had done an admirable job of timing his instructions to give his freshly recruited stars notice for their actions.

Katara smiled & nodded in agreement: their big finale was almost upon them.

The other waterbenders had created a beautiful castle with waterfalls and fountains for walls, fish swimming throughout it completely unconcerned with their new gravity-defying habitat. A doorway was waterbended in a 'wall' of the castle, creating an archway through which Katara glided their boat. Aang, who'd had to keep himself slightly raised on his knees to appear taller than his companion throughout the show, wobbled slightly and prayed to all that was sacred for enough strength to last to curtain call.

"A little less enthusiasm, Avatar," growled the director into Aang's earpiece. He must have thought Aang was trying to reach for Katara again.

The crew were artfully engaging the props and a glowing moon was raised behind the young 'couple', casting the scene in silver and blue light. To Katara, it rivaled the aurora borealis from her homeland. Tears pricked her eyes as she turned to Aang, holding out one of her hands, the other hand gracefully bending the water and spinning the boat more quickly, causing a crest of water to raise them, little by little, higher in the air.

"Aang, step closer to the princess, but remember to keep up the ring of water that's circling you," instructed the director. "This is important: a few more props are going to start swinging by soon with fireworks-type artifices, and the water is part of your safety net, not just a part of the entertainment."

 _Fireworks?_  Wondered Aang.  _This is a waterbending show–this doesn't fit with the rest of the production_. Aang was careful to maintain the thin swirling band, though, despite his mild confusion. And he happily moved closer to Katara, of course.  _Spirits, he loved that costume_.

"Now, remember, we only get one shot at this: Aang, on my count, grasp Katara, pull her to you, and dip her back as if for a passionate kiss. Remember, keep that barrier up—those special effects will be going off all around you, and while it should be safe, there's no sense taking chances," the director cautioned, explaining as quickly as he could. "Ready? 5-"

Aang's attention fixed on Katara.

"-4-"

Katara held both her hands out to Aang, still bending the water around them. They were now at least ten feet above the other performer's heads as the boat balanced on a brilliant crest of water and streams and arcs of water danced over and around them.

"-3-"

He felt his legs weakening, but couldn't tell whether it was from nervousness or muscle fatigue.

"-2-"

Aang swallowed his heart.

"-1-"

_Bigdeepbreath!_

"Now!"

/end ch.03

/AN-1: Yay! I managed to get home earlier tonight and finish this second part of Chapter 03 before the weekend! I'm so happy! I hope you like it. I'm sorry I'm being evil and ending it there – but I have big plans for the finale! And of course, the final showdown between Toph and Zuko is still to come. Many, many wonderful thanks to my reviewers (and friends!) who've given me suggestions and encouragement with this story! You're all so nice! I'm sending you all super-huge hugs for Christmas! (And if you're naughty, I'll add whip-cream!) ;)

/AN-2: Has anyone else been reading "Conquest" and "The Game"? I love those fics. I get so giddy when I get my little e-mail alert that they've been updated! I'm such a fangirl at times, it's so embarrassing!

/AN-3: There seems to be a bit of confusion regarding just how 'AU' this story is, since I'm treating the characters as actors, and leaving them with their bending powers (well, with bending powers and Sokka). In my head, that strange and probably terrifying place for everyone else, I kind of made use of everyone in a way that allowed me to bastardise them just to suit my plot purposes. Seriously, I don't have a complete idea in my head either – I go with what I feel like works. I know this comes across a little contradictory at times, what with having the Flintstones' car, the carriage for Aang and Katara, and then mentioning a landscaping truck in this chapter. Please don't take this story too seriously—I'm certainly not! If it really does bother you, though, drop me a line and I'll choose a road and stick to it to help make things more clear for the rest of the storyline. As for their ages… Well, I hadn't really planned on writing a lemon, so I didn't plan on altering their ages. If I do write a chapter with a tangier-theme, then expect me to spontaneously age everyone to at least the age of consent, if only to cover my own butt. Oh, and up the rating, if I ever get a good hold on how to manipulate the account modules.

/AN-4: Finally, as forewarning, I'm not sure I'll be able to update this story again until after this weekend. I have to pack up my and my daughter's things before we fly to the coast to see my family for the holidays, and the flight is at some ungodly morning hour and I may not feel very human until I adjust to the lag. Luckily, I love flying, so I'm not too worried about the flight itself, just the after-effects. So I'm very sorry if I disappear for a bit! Please let me know if you like or dislike the story, though – it's wonderful encouragement (even the negative reviews!) and lets me know how to keep moulding things. : ) Have a great weekend! Wish you well!

* * *

**Chapter 5: Chapter 4: Part 01: Immoral Combat!**

* * *

1" **The Gift Horse"**

**AN: I don't own Avatar. All materials are copyright their original creators.**

The cast of Avatar receive gifts from their creators in recognition of all their hard work in Season 2. Toph is first in line.

Chapter 04 (Part 1) Summary: The battle between Zuko and Toph begins–and Toph employs some 'unorthodox' means...

Chapter 04: Immoral Combat! (Part 1)!

AT THE TURBO-TOPH, NIGHTFALL

It was finally over. The end. He'd never known such terror in his short life. He refused to bend over and put his princely head between his knees. He breathed shallowly as his feet touched ground, a sense of normalcy slowly reestablishing itself in his core. He felt, rather than heard, the cheers of the crowds that had gathered to watch the earthbending display. If he hadn't been so full of desperate gratitude to be alive he may have cheered with them. But never under these circumstances. She was his enemy, after all, and he refused to admire her.

The watertribe boy looked over at him and wondered if he should call a medic.

"Hey."

"..."

"Zuko, you OK? I know that was a little intense, but-" Sokka amicably tried to breach the gap between them. The firebender looked decidedly green and out of sorts.

"Intense?  _Intense_!" Zuko exploded at Sokka, finally getting a bit of colour back in his cheeks; it was barely there but Sokka was pretty sure those two pink spots on Zuko's face were anger, not bruises. He admitted they'd gotten a little too close for comfort at times during their descent in the wild car ride, though–Toph had really thrown the car around. "She  _earth-bended herself a mountain pass_ as a track to race around! She's blind, underage, and earthbending herself drift-tracks for fun! Did you see how close she got to those spectators on the hairpin corners?" the prince gasped in remembrance "she had to bend them out of the way– _while she was hotdogging and leaning half way out the open driver's side door, waving to the crowd!_ "

"The crowds seemed pretty happy," Sokka ventured again, losing interest in the Fire prince's well-being now that he was throwing a conniptions fit.

Zuko didn't realise he was being ignored, he was so caught up in his tirade. "And they loved it! She was practically running over them and they were worshiping her and asking for more! Her fangirls were the worst – practically masochists!" Completely incredulous and gesturing angrily, he went in search of his uncle, sputtering at the earthbending exhibition. He couldn't lose his fangirls to such brutish displays!

Sokka looked up as Zuko stormed off, wondering whether he should try and tear Toph away from her legions of admirers to 'rescue' Katara, or just start walking. This silly competition was pushing him over the edge.. He debated starting a list of names for any potential nieces and nephews he may be meeting, but gave himself a firm mental shake and started coming up with a plan instead.  _OK, he planned to get to his sister by..uh.._

His stomach growled.

 _OK, I'll see to that first, then get Katara, kill Aang, and get my card back_ , he decided, looking around before spotting a smoked-meat vendor's cart.  _Meat first_.

Sokka was a man who prided himself on his priorities and plans, after all.

IN ANOTHER AREA OF THE 'TRACK'

"So Teabag, how was that?" asked Toph cheekily as she lounged in her reclined seat, hands behind her head. "I bet ol'Angry Lad has no chance of beating me now."

"My nephew faces many challenges, and you have provided him with another strong example, I agree," complimented Iroh. He smiled, though. "But Zuko doesn't give up easily. If I know him, I bet he's already got something in mind." He slipped his hands into their customary space in his sleeves, and the corners of his eyes turned up as he smiled proudly to himself. "I commend you, though– you have set the bar quite high. It won't be easy for him."

Iroh looked out and saw Zuko pushing his way through the crowds towards them. Toph 'saw' him approach, too– angry vibes are pretty strong.  _Wow, talk about d_ é _j_ à _-vu_. She had a sudden inspiration. _Time for a secret weapon_ , she thought wickedly.

"Uncle Iroh,"she said with utmost respect, turning to face her passenger, "I appreciate all your teachings and advice. I know I can never repay you for all you've done for me, but I would be honoured if you'd accept this humble token of gratitude." From a pocket in her robes she brought forth a small tin and placed it in front of Iroh for inspection. Zuko was only a few feet away, about to yell at them, but with the memory of his afternoon's decided  _lack_ of activity still fresh in his mind, he thought it only polite to let the two benders finish their conversation first.

Iroh took the gift in both hands, touched by the young girl's sincere gesture. "Toph, you shouldn't have!" He said, surprise showing in his face. "I'm just glad to have someone to talk to who shares my interest tea. It is so rare to meet a young person who enjoys listening to an old man's stories." He knew Zuko was right behind him and couldn't resist adding the last teasing barb.

Zuko growled and turned away, ignoring the insult.

"But what's this?" Iroh asked opening the tin and peering inside. A look of exquisite, unadulterated joy illuminated his craggy face making him look a decade younger. He brought the tin closer and inhaled deeply."Oh, Toph... You...  _How did you know?_ " he cried, feeling tears threaten.

Zuko was looking at his uncle in bewilderment– _had the crazy earthbender just proposed to his crazy uncle or something?_

He paused for a moment.  _No, really, they wouldn't_. He blanched and started hyperventilating.  _Oh spirits, no, nononononononono.._

The Fire Nation prince looked like he was about to start choking. Iroh took no notice, too enthralled with his gift.

"I spent years looking for this tea. After a raid on an earth kingdom village, I thought the entire crop of tea plants had been destroyed. Oh how I mourned the loss of that field!" The old general's eyes looked to the past, memories once sealed away returning with the familiar scent of the dried tea leaves.

 _Yeah, screw the poor villagers you massacred_ , thought Toph ironically,  _but heaven forbid a tea plant be harmed in the making of a century-long war_. But she knew Iroh better than that. (Zuko was just so thankful it wasn't a ring he was doubled over, one hand on the hood to support himself, whooshing in great lung-fulls of air. He'd never in his life been so happy for tea.) He was getting a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach, though (not entirely surprising from the amount of stress he'd been under that day–he had no doubt he was getting an ulcer from the avatar's friends' combined neurosis), and kept listening.  _The earth peasant, she couldn't be..._

"Oh well, you see, the Bei Fongs control large tracts of land on their estates, and often on their travels they collect and return with samples and specimens which we later cultivate for trade." She explained in a bored tone, but perked up a bit as she continued. "During my tea ceremony lessons, I found this tea to be of excellent quality,"- her nose had wrinkled slightly at the memories of the lessons,"-and always keep some with me. I'd love to share more of our teas with you. As soon as we get this competition out of the way–oh, right, and Katara & Aang, too– we can go brew a dozen different kinds!" she promised him, moving in for the kill. "And we'll let my dad know to ship a box of a dozen or so saplings to you so you can harvest and create your own blends. I'd love to drink more tea, wouldn't you?"

Zuko seethed. He couldn't believe it! But surely his esteemed uncle, the great Dragon of the West, would see through the earth bender's ploys. He was a war-hardened general, a master firebender, a highly-skilled strategist, a–

"...Do you happen to have any of the rare Shandong province teas?" asked Iroh hesitantly, not daring to raise his hopes too high. He sniffed at the tea again reverently.  _Oh yeah, that's the stuff_ , he felt giddy.

Zuko saw red exploding everywhere. " _STOP TRYING TO BRIBE MY UNCLE WITH TEA, YOU UNSCRUPULOUS PEASANT!_ " he screamed. "Have you no honour?"

"Pshht, you're the one who said no holds barred. And it was a gift." she countered.

"She has a point there, Nephew," conceded Iroh, stroking his beard.

Zuko couldn't decide on which plot to hatch to take down the annoying little earthbender in retaliation. He tried to calm himself, breathing in and out slowly, to focus his energy like his uncle had counseled. He didn't get a chance, though, as Sokka approached the car with a mollified grin on his face. His eyes were a little unfocused and glazed, too. Strapped to his back was what looked like a gibbet with an internal blow-torch.

 _Oh no, not more trouble from the idiot.._. Quietly, Zuko started a series of long, chant-like prayers to Agni for patience and to deliver him from the Hell he was currently trapped in.

Iroh, looking faintly troubled, voiced everyone's concerns. "Sokka, welcome back young warrior. Is that, on your back... a, perhaps... a portable meat rotisserie and smoker?" Iroh didn't let his voice tremble for fear of alerting the younger benders to his concern for the watertribe boy's current state of mental health.

Sokka continued smiling. "Impressive, eh?" he said, turning around so they could admire the contraption. "I saw the vendors and how the pushed the carts around, and I got to thinking–"

"It's official, we're all damned," muttered Zuko darkly under his breath, but Sokka continued.

"-now how could I make travelling-meat even better? And boom! It hit me!"

"I knew a large, blunt object was involved," grumbled the prince again, holding his head in his hands in resignation.

"I could use lighter materials, build a strong, back-mountable frame, and voilà! Instant hot meat action, wherever I go!" He finished grandly, a genial smile plastered across his face.

Toph just... 'stared' isn't quite the  _mot juste_ , but it's damn close. "Sokka," she said quietly. "Get in the car."  _So he finally went 'round the bend, huh?_ She thought. "We'll get Katara now, before you start experimenting with actual...  _anything_ on that... thing," She shuddered.  _It was big enough to roast a person in, geez, what was Sokka thinking?_

She stopped.

In the meantime, Sokka, a little confused, said "OK"and hopped into the car, oblivious to the creeping dawn of horror around him, Zuko embarking across the seat from him soon after.

 _Oh no, had he really lost all sense?_  Toph's unperturbable nature was wavering.  _No, even Sokka, in his interminable appetite for animal flesh, surely he wouldn't..._ Toph clamped down on her musings (she refused to accept that Sokka had gone cannibal from post-traumatic stress) and indicated everyone put on their seatbelt.

Zuko kept an eye on the other boy, and once they were speeding down the road again, spoke up. "Water peasant," the prince said in clipped tones, cringing and trying to temper the roiling disgust in his regal voice.

Sokka turned to Zuko, still smiling.

"Don't EVER use the phrase " _instant hot meat action_ " again."

Toph and Iroh silently agreed.

/end ch04, part 01

/AN: Sorry, had a difficult time writing this chapter. Was it too odd? ;

* * *

**Chapter 6: Chapter 4: Part 02: Immoral Combat!**

* * *

" **The Gift Horse"**

**AN: I don't own Avatar. All materials are copyright their original creators.**

The cast of Avatar receive gifts from their creators in recognition of all their hard work in Season 2. Toph is first in line.

Chapter 04 (Part 2) Summary:  _Angst! Camera! Action!_ This chapter has a little bit of everything – inner workings of the male teenage mind explored, so read at your own discretion... (Nothing too scandalous though, I assure you.)

Chapter 04: Immoral Combat! (Part 2)!

IN THE TURBO-TOPH, NIGHTFALL

"I think we should split up," suggested Iroh as they approached the recital hall. "We know they're probably heading to a hotel afterwards-" Sokka let out an audible 'Meep!' -"but we don't know which one. Zuko and I will see if the show has finished and accompany them until we reach you again. If they're at the hotel, send word to us so we can meet you. We need to make sure they're ok," he directed this at Sokka, "and get the card back from them to start assessing any potential damage," he looked at Zuko.

"And you really think they'll listen to us, Uncle?" asked Zuko, his arms crossed over his chest, his usual scowl gracing his face.

"We don't have a choice, Prince Zuko. Toph and Sokka need to keep looking for the hotel in case the show has finished and Aang and Miss Katara have already left."

"Just be your usual charming self, Princess. I'm sure it'll sweep Aang and Katara right off their feet," offered Toph sweetly, pulling smoothly up to the curb, clearly indicating his free ride was over and he could see himself out. Zuko's face darkened, but he decided to focus on other matters.

Iroh thanked Toph as he exited, and waved as Toph pulled out again. The earthbender raised one hand to wave back, causing Iroh to laugh as he turned to his nephew. "Come, Nephew, let's go enjoy the show," he said as he led them through the building to the box office where they found out the Avatar had reserved private seats. Zuko was still grumbling ("What's so great about a waterbending show? They should have gone to see a Fire Circus!)" when Iroh told him to wait inside while he went to get the young water- & airbender, greatly relieved the show hadn't finished. They at least had a chance at catching them if the show was still running. Iroh walked to the side entrance that led to the private boxes while Zuko walked into the rear of the recital hall, towards the main aisle.

But both firebenders started running when they heard the scream ring out.

IN THE FOURTH HOTEL ON THE LIST

"Yes, we do have a room reserved for the Avatar, though I'm afraid he hasn't returned yet from his evening's entertainment. Would you like to leave a message?" The perky desk attendant sure was eager to please.

"Thanks. We'll lie in wait–I mean, we'll wait," Sokka quickly retracted, his hands running over his boomerang in anticipation. "In front of his door. What room did you say that was again?"

The attendant's smile faltered slightly, but remained professional. "I'm sorry, we can't give out that information. Normally we don't even admit celebrities are staying here, but I recognise you as his friends. Is there anything else I can do for you?"

Sokka was about to go into a rage about his sister's virtue and his being too handsome and completely unprepared for uncle-hood when Toph grabbed his sleeve and stamped on his foot. Hard.

"Actually, could we book the room right beside theirs? It sounds like they made a mistake and forgot to book two rooms instead of one when they first arrived," Toph explained smoothly as Sokka yelped and hopped around on one foot. He shot her a murderous and faintly curious look, one eyebrow hateful, the other raised in question. Only Sokka could manage such a face. Toph carelessly tossed her credit card on the main desk for the attendant. Along with a fifty.

"Certainly!" gushed the attendant, only too happy to comply now that there was a bit of appreciation on the counter. "Have you eaten yet? Would you like me to alert room service downstairs, or would you prefer a private chef brought to your room?"

Both Sokka's eyebrows raised at this. "Private chef? You mean, they send a chef to cook us whatever we want,  _right in our own room_?!" Sokka was trembling with excitement.

"Calm down, Meatbag," said Toph, collecting their key-card and nodding to Miss Perky Helper. "And yes, please have a range of hors d'oeuvres and a platter of meats delivered. We'll send for the chef once we're settled, thank you," Toph ushered the spontaneously-recovered watertribesman away from the desk and over to the main entrance. "Come on, I gotta go park. I don't trust the valet."

A few minutes later, with the car alarm armed and chirping happily after them, they went to wait for their friends. While Sokka ate his fill, Toph quickly cleared the room of any and all sharp, blunt, heavy or otherwise potentially-dangerous-weapon-ish objects. Just in case things got lively later.

And, rubbing her hands together, she certainly hoped they did.

ON STAGE

" _Now!_ " called the director into their earpieces.

From her position, Katara saw two giant long-bodied Asian-style dragons of water emerge from the 'walls' of the castle, claws extended, fish still swimming inside and, in fact, looking like shimmering metallic scales of dragon skin. Long tendrils of water poked out of the dragon's chins and eyebrows like wispy whiskers. Katara realised at once what the fireworks they'd been warned of were intended for as the dragons simultaneously turned towards Aang and her from either side, both huge mouths gaping open at them. Explosions rang out as the dragons breathed fire over the young couple in the boat, and the audience gasped and applauded in appreciation.

In the meantime, Aang was fixed on Katara. He scooped her into his arms, brought her close, and as he looked into her eyes (" _Eyes, focus on her eyes, Aang!_ " he scolded himself over and over) bent her gracefully, beautifully, lovingly low. His heart was jack hammering, aching to tell her how he felt. "Katara," he said bravely, voice thick, bending his mouth to hers and nearly choking on his roller coaster emotions, "I love-"

Katara's eyes grew huge-

The barest split-second of warning was all she got.

There was a creak, a snap of wood, and a spark that alerted Katara to the danger and she moved instinctively to protect the avatar. From her reclined vantage point, she saw the mobile artifice-structure, a kind of wood box with timers and slots and  _lots and lots_ of explosives, slip off its beam above them and come hurtling towards them, the guide-rope, that normally would have helped it arc gracefully around them, hanging loosely at its side. Katara heard the director hollering at her in her ear and instinctively pulled Aang down, and rolled on top of him and water-bended the boat out of harm's way, shielding her friend from the sparks that flew off the flaming debris. She flinched as some of the cinders bit and stung the flesh on her exposed back; she couldn't help hissing through her clenched teeth as a few larger pieces of burning rubble broke off and landed on the back of her shoulder.

Aang, meanwhile, wasn't sure what had prompted Katara's sudden burst of rough-housing, but he wasn't about to start questioning why the woman he loved heart soul & seashells was literally throwing herself at him. (" _Wow, she really is the direct type!_ " he marveled.) Actually, she'd thrown herself  _on_ him, now that he thought about it.  _All the way on him_. Full length. He couldn't help the small groan that escaped his lips as she shifted and sucked in a breath (when her shoulder was burned – but Aang didn't know that).

Reaching up & around her waist (still completely oblivious to their endangered status), Aang put his hands on Katara's hips, pulling her down to him. "Katara..." he breathed, tilting his head to hers to attempt the kiss again. _Spirits, I think I'm going to explode_ , the thought hazily.

Katara felt Aang stirring beneath her and sighed in relief, turning back to the situation at hand. She'd been worried he'd hit his head when she'd tackled him. He was checking her back and trying to tell her something, but she was too focused on the detonating package of fire she'd trapped in a water-web to pay her friend any attention. The director had sent one of the water-dragons to float and prowl the audience, putting incredible strain on the team of water benders, but assuring the safety of the spectators in case of another accident. Katara had heard the director call the change over the mic and knew this wasn't part of the regular show – the dragons normally stayed close to the benders on the stage – what she didn't know, however, was how long the other benders could keep it up while she tried to disarm the currently hissing, steaming box of sparks. It was too volatile to put down, but she didn't know if it was safe to just flood it, either, due to the timers and other unfamiliar contents. Seeing some of the water benders tiring, Katara pulled herself up to standing in the boat and lent her own strength to them to help maintain the dragon, still trying to figure out how to tame the dragon's 'breath' without endangering anyone (or the show, she thought absently).

The audience was completely enthralled by the action and sudden drama on-stage, and their excitement only increased when one of the dragons flew above their heads, small bursts of indoor fireworks shooting from its mouth. One member of the audience shrieked in surprise at a particularly loud 'Boom!'. While a few fireworks at a time were safe, an entire crateful going off would be as dangerous as a bomb. The audience's dragon wavered slightly, and Katara whipped around to lend her support to that team of benders, too. Unconsciously, she raised the crest of water the boat floated on so it was high enough in the air to see the entire stage and auditorium, so she could observe the entire hall. She kept feeding not only the crest, but the water web protecting the fireworks, and now both dragons, too. Her entire focus was on the water, and she didn't even acknowledge Aang or the director anymore. She was completely involved in directing her element. Her movements were fluid themselves as she arched and stretched, commanding and supporting and working in concert with the other benders, her breathing regular but heavy with exertion. Sweat broke out along her brow as she felt the other benders tiring, leaving more and more of the control to her. "Come on, you can do this, Katara," she said quietly to herself, even more determined. "Come on..."

Iroh had reached the private box where Katara and Aang were to have sat, but found it empty. A quick explanation from the usher confirmed the young benders had never made it to their seats, and were in fact part of the show. Iroh glanced out from the small balcony and immediately sensed something amiss when he noticed the pair of benders in the boat, Katara boldly standing out amongst the chaos. He prayed Katara could keep the situation in check until he reached the stage.

Zuko had run straight down the main aisle upon hearing the screaming, and was completely awestruck by the waterbended dragons. But a firebender first and always, his attention was immediately stolen by the box of fireworks a woman on stage was trying desperately to contain, sparks and small detonations now emanating from it in rapid succession, threatening to break through the web of water that kept wrapping and re-enveloping it. "Good thing she didn't freeze it, the shards would have broken and shattered like glass over the audience," he noted, admiring her decision. He turned to the rest of the benders and saw they were tiring; the box wouldn't be safe for long. Time was running out fast on the now chain-reaction of disturbing explosions coming from the box. "How the Hell did they manage this mess? Stupid peasants should leave fire to fire benders," he mentally chastised the idiot director. "Now where are those two?" he looked around the stage again, and heard a small yelp, followed by the Avatar's voice quickly crying out "Katara!" before the crest of water on stage trembled and shrank down to the pool surface in a heartbeat. The dragons were still flowing through the air, but the bomb was obviously taking up most of the bender's concentration. Zuko looked to the boat in wonder and realised it had been Katara controlling the huge beasts of water–and keeping the explosions under control in the damaged artifice container. Aang had sprung up beside Katara, surprise at their situation clear on his face.

"Katara–let me control the dragons, I'm good at the octopus, so this should be easy for me. You focus on the box for now until the director gives us instructions." The monk immediately went to work supporting his friend (and realising with relief he hadn't been rejected, just re-prioritized), but he cold see the strain across Katara's face. The box was going to blow any minute, and it seemed like the director had regressed back into a script-chomping lunatic again judging by the looks of his discussion with the special-effects crew.  _No help coming from that corner, I guess_ , he concluded.

Aang knew he could airbend the box out of the hall through the open-air ceilings, but what if it exploded and sent burning rubble down over everyone? Or it didn't fully explode and just burst apart and the explosions spread out? Or– a dozen equally-dangerous scenarios played through is head.  _Spirits, Avatar Roku, someone, help me!_ Aang was desperate. Katara swung her arms around, wrapping another water-whip around the bomb, hastily brushing hair from her steely eyes, face tense, and breathing harder. "Just a little more, come on, you can do this," he heard her saying to herself.  _She must be exhausted_ , he thought, guiltily reflecting on his selfish actions of a few moments prior.  _Argh! He had to think of something!_

His mind filled with wonderful thoughts of Katara–  _No! Something to help with the bomb situation!_ Frustrated, he felt his calm nature slipping.

He looked down and, amazingly, saw his prayers answered, albeit in a warped fashion.

"For once it's a good thing he's stalking me!" breathed Aang in relief as he called to the prince.

"Zuko! The box is gonna go– get ready to incinerate it when I airbend it out of here! Hurry!" The prince nodded and took his stance, just as Iroh rushed down the next aisle between the rows of spectators, calling urgently to Aang "Now, Aang! It's going to bl-"

No sooner had he said the word than the seams of the box cracked under the pressure and the box blew apart, exploding and expelling flaming debris in all directions.

" _KATARA!_ " Screamed Aang, horrified.

* * *

TBC...

/end ch04, part 02

/AN: My first writing an action sequence– is my timing ok? I hope it wasn't confusing with so many different viewpoints!

/AN: Next chapter's written, just gotta type, edit & upload! Please leave a comment if you like this story! (Or, if you dislike it, let me know what I could stand to improve!)

* * *

**Chapter 7: Chapter 4: Part 03: Immoral Combat!**

* * *

1" **The Gift Horse"**

**AN: I don't own Avatar. All materials are copyright their original creators.**

The cast of Avatar receive gifts from their creators in recognition of all their hard work in Season 2. Toph is first in line.

Chapter 04 (Part 3) Summary: Mad Katara recognition, and Zuko discovers a sudden appreciation for theatrical costuming.

Chapter 04: Immoral Combat! (Part 3)!

INSIDE THE RECITAL HALL

Everything went white. That was all she was aware of. Whitewhitewhite. The fireworks exploded together, and the immediate combustion was just  _white_. She was blinded by its brightness. Katara stopped thinking and let her spirit take over.

The master waterbender felt it all, and reacted without a second's hesitation.

Through the water, Katara had sensed the vibrations from the box and held the dragons ready. Like a wild current, she unleashed them at the moment of impact, uncoiling and rushing them forward and around the box in a whirlpool to absorb the explosion before releasing the entire flue of water at the open ceiling and out into the night. She simultaneously created a series of ice domes over the upper mezzanines to protect those spectators closer to the point of expulsion, using every ounce of concentration to strengthen and reinforce them while the dragons roared past.

Iroh and Zuko immediately followed up with fire blasts that annihilated the remaining debris, and Aang cleared the ashes from the night with a breeze of airbending.

All watched in admiration as Katara recalled the dragon-flue to circulate above, and for all appearances embrace, the audience before restoring it to the pools and streams from which the waters had been drawn, while the orchestra crashed to a magnificent finish.

Katara let out a mighty sigh and smiled over at Aang before bending the boat swiftly backstage behind the curtains. Once safely sheltered from the audience, she let the adrenaline rush take over and fell down onto the seat, her entire body shaking. "We did it, Aang, we all did it," she said weakly, but with immense pride.

The crowd went wild.

( _Incidentally, the musicians beat a hasty retreat thereafter, leaving the curtain calls and encores to be animated by pre-recorded music. They all went directly to their agents to have hazard pay instituted as a mandatory requirement in all their future performance contracts, along with increased flood, fire, and batshit-crazy-director insurance for their instruments_.)

* * *

Zuko and Iroh hurried backstage to catch up with Aang and Katara as all the actors prepared to walk out for the final curtain call. The crowd was ecstatic and refused to budge from their seats until they saw the show's heroes. Aang and Katara hadn't gone out to bow to the audience yet, and this worried the old general. Zuko was still a little confused by the whole process, but kept his opinions to himself, much to Iroh's relief.

 

They found Aang and a few other crew & cast members fussing over Katara at the back of the stage. They had left the boat and Katara was sitting against a wall, smiling at the congratulations. Aang was pale and kept apologising and pleading with her, and it looked like Katara was tiring of the whole ordeal, her eyes occasionally drifting shut before popping open again. Iroh motioned all but Aang away from the young girl, who was trying to talk sense to the monk.

"Aang," said Katara, exhausted but still trying to be nice to her well-meaning friend, "just go out there, bow for both of us, and we'll be on our way. I'm really tired and just want to rest, ok?" She implored him with her eyes, opening them wide and mentally ordering him to follow his normally-compassionate nature.

"But they want to see you, too! You were amazing! I know you're tired, but we should do this together. And we can show them our  _big finale_ , the one we  _didn't get to practice_ ," he added meaningfully, hoping she'd take the hint.

"Aang-," she began again, but stopped upon seeing the firebenders. She paused before slowly straightening up and greeting them with a grateful smile. "Thank you for your help," she welcomed kindly, weariness creeping into her voice in spite of her best efforts. "You guys really saved us out there. Temporary truce?" she joked weakly.

Iroh returned the smile. "Only if you do as the Avatar requests and join us on stage," he replied, and caught the flash of pain in her eyes.  _Ah, so there was something wrong. And she didn't want Aang to know_. He understood immediately. "Nephew, could you go get that lovely cape for Miss Katara? She looks a little cold. We'll help her to the stage and bow together." Zuko huffed a bit, but returned with the crimson mantle his uncle had indicated. Iroh gave Katara a knowing look as she started protesting again, and leaned close to her ear as he arranged the cape around her shoulders. "Where?" he asked, too quietly for the others to hear.

She sighed. "My back... it got burned from the first explosion. I'm too exhausted to heal myself right now – I just need a bit of time. I'll be fine, but I'm too tired to even stand. I don't want to worry anyone. Please don't tell Aang," she said equally quietly, looking Iroh sincerely in the eye.

Iroh nodded just enough to show he'd heard and understood. Smiling, he turned to face his nephew. "My prince, if you'd do the honours, please?" he said, indicating Katara with his hands and giving a respectful bow.

"Huh?" said the three younger benders in unison, looking at him oddly.

"Maybe he needs that expensive help, too?" Aang whispered to Katara, hiding his mouth behind his hand.

Iroh sighed.  _Chivalry is indeed dead as a doornail_ , he lamented. He tried again, more bluntly this time. "Zuko – escort this young lady to the stage, please, so she may thank her audience properly."

Zuko looked perplexed. "But Uncle, how do you-"

Iroh started to lose patience at his nephew's constant defiance. "Prince Zuko, choose your words wisely. Do not insult your colleagues, or me, when they've thanked you so graciously!"

Zuko was taken aback. "No, that's not it!"

"Then what?"

"What style of escort do you propose I use? Royal decorum is vastly different from theatrical protocol – and a little guidance would be greatly appreciated, Uncle," he finished respectfully.

_Oh._

His nephew was actually asking for help.

Relaxing, and a bit embarrassed, Iroh apologised to his nephew and leaned in to advise him of current royal-theatrical-bowing-etiquette (since Iroh knows all these things, of course). Zuko thanked the senior gentleman, turned, and walked over to Katara who still sat on the floor. He held out a hand, leaned forward at an impeccable 45-degree angle, and asked if he may have the honour.

Iroh called Aang aside as Katara stood, distracting the youngest man so he wouldn't see the bloody wounds across her back and shoulders should the cape fall astray. This interference was fortunate, as Aang also missed the sight of his friend stumbling as she rose.

And the prince catching her in his arms as she fell.

* * *

...Rumblings resounded, like a minor earth tremor...

* * *

The crowd erupted in thunderous applause as the four benders took to the stage, flowers showering down on them, and young children delivering them extravagant bouquets. Even Zuko received a bouquet of daffodils and fennel, much to Iroh's amusement. The retired general was thrilled at the attention, and shared a few jokes with the young flower-bearers before they were called back to the far wings of the stage.

* * *

Aang stood proudly, grinning occasionally at Katara, while waving and bowing up a storm. _Soon she's all mine_ , he repeated to himself like a mantra,  _soon we'll be together_! His heart was full again as he imagined the rest of their evening, blissfully ignoring the missed opportunities during their finale. He refused to acknowledge the fact that Zuko was the one supporting Katara at the moment. Instead, he wondered if their hotel room had a fireplace.  _And chocolate. And strawberries..._ The avatar's mind drifted off in romantic fantasy, his eyes glazing over shortly thereafter.

* * *

Katara had nearly fallen after another stumble on her way through the curtains. Without a second thought, Zuko had picked her up to carry her bridal-style to the forefront of the stage. Both were red with embarrassment, but the applause an guffaws from the crowd drowned out their quiet battle of subsequent insults.

 

"You're stiff as a board!" she hissed uncomfortably at him through clenched teeth, waving and smiling at the crowd.

"You're heavy!"

"You're rude!"

"You're a peasant!"

"You're a jerk!"

"You're still a peasant!"

"Your clothes are filthy!"

"Your clothes are– are... are..." Zuko's voice trailed off as he finally noticed Katara's half-naked appearance beneath the cloak. And how he was holding her. And how amazing she looked, with that angry flush on her cheeks, and her long hair wild across her shoulders, and her eyes bright with fiery temper...

He also had to admit, she was wearing a  _really fantastic_ costume...

"...Zuko? My clothes are what? Say it, go ahead," she said crossly.

Zuko's eyes snapped back up to hers again, and he prayed he wasn't blushing. _Blame it on the heat of the stage lights if she asks_ , his mind prompted helpfully. "Oh, uh..."  _Think of a word, any word, just don't say "boobs"!_ His mind raced for an answer that wouldn't leave him writing in consequent pain.

"Sparkly," he finished lamely.

 _Way to go, champ! Now she's **certain** you ride the short bus to war! _his head congratulated him sarcastically.  _What do I care?_ he thought darkly and nearly physically scowled at the introspection before remembering he was front and center on stage.

 _Smile nicely, you're with the star, that's it, good job, you can capture them and roast them later in freaking barbecue sauce if you want, that's it, keep smiling..._ The thought of tossing the two benders onto a cheerfully-blazing bonfire greatly improved the Fire Nation prince's mood.

Katara looked at her personal porter oddly, the barest suspicion flickering in her eyes. But she decided to ignore it, and went back to waving to the crowd for both of them (as Zuko had his hands full of waterbender for the time being and obviously couldn't wave in a dignified, princely manner).

Zuko gave a mental sigh of relief when she turned away from him. _Thank the Spirits he hadn't said "boobs" out loud_. He gave a quick look over to his uncle to see if there was any sign they could return backstage soon, and saw the older man playing with the flower-bearing children, a relaxed, happy look on his face. As he glanced up and caught Zuko's gaze, his eyes twinkled and he smiled warmly. Zuko was, in that moment, honestly, thoroughly, immeasurably happy to see his uncle content ( _and not a damn teacup in sight!_ ).

And suddenly, it hit him: Zuko knew  _exactly_ what to do to win the fangirl war.

* * *

_The forces were shifting... Fandom was on the move._

* * *

_TBC..._

* * *

_/end ch04, part 03_

 

/AN: Whoa, lots of Author's Notes this time around... Sorry!

/AN: Next up, Chapter 05! What's Zuko's plan? Will Aang ever confess to Katara? Has Sokka really gone cannibal? (Should I take a vote?) I'll try and wrap this up by New Years' – this has been one LONG night for the cast of Avatar! (My apologies if it's dragging!)

/AN: Many, many thanks go out to my invaluable reviewers who've pointed out a few areas I need to correct when I get a chance! You guys have been amazing at helping me figure out where my weaknesses (and complete blindspots) are! Keep 'em coming – I'll do my best to return and make corrections once I've posted the last chapter. For those leaving compliments, or even just saying "keep it up!", thank you, too! These really cheer me up and make my day!

/AN: In case you weren't fluent in the 'language of flowers', daffodils mean 'respect', fennel means 'worthy of all praise'. I'm trying to show that Zuko has a good side to him, under all his hang-ups.

/Long AN: Just to clarify, since there's been some... discussion about whether this is a 'Zutara', a 'KatAang', or a 'Taang' story: To be honest, I hadn't really considered these when I started writing this story, which I believe has ultimately led to some of this confusion. This is my first fanfic– seriously, I'm making this up as I go along! I made it AU so I could have some fun with the characters, and hopefully make a few other people laugh along the way. I had no idea some of you would take it as seriously as you have, (or as personal insults!) and I sincerely apologise for anyone (or any fandom) I've upset, as it was not my intention to do so. If you want me to write a purely 'KatAang', or purely 'Zutara', or purely 'Taang' story, please leave me a (preferably!) polite comment saying so. It'll be a lot kinder on me when I open up my reviews and no longer fear verbal beatings! (I mean, if it wasn't for you not seeing your fav pairing in here, would the story be funny to you? Am I doing anything correctly? I can't say I aim to please, but when another story idea comes to me, I can try and write it with your suggested pairing. I already have one planned for Tairoh (Tea x Iroh my OTeaP!). Expect more on that in the New Year, though...) So again, please leave me comments, but remember this is just one story (and my first at that!), and it wasn't originally intended as a romance. It's a comedy. (Or at least, I'm trying to make it a comedy.) Many heartfelt thanks to two of my reviewers who've given me great advice about writing and this fandom-polarization, btw. I hope you two know who you are.

* * *

_**Chapter 8: Chapter 5: Wholly Dazed** _

* * *

" **The Gift Horse"**

**AN: I don't own Avatar. All materials are copyright their original creators.**

The cast of Avatar receive gifts from their creators in recognition of all their hard work in Season 2. Toph is first in line.

Chapter 05 Summary: Zuko's plot emerges from the shadows, and Aang has his own personal Santa Claus.

Chapter 05: Wholly Dazed

INSIDE THE RECITAL HALL

As the benders finally left the stage after their extended standing ovation, Iroh took Aang aside and let Zuko carry Katara to her dressing room where her previous attendants awaited. Aang was about to protest but Iroh assured him his words would only take a moment. Aang wasn't as concerned about Iroh's request as he was certain  _other_ firebenders, though, and tried to convey this to the well-meaning general in clear, not uncertain terms.

"I don't trust your egotistical, obsessive, jerk of a nephew with my best friend," Aang said pointedly. "Look at him! He's practically peeping at her in her dressing room!" he claimed, starting towards the waterbender again, fully intending to defend her honour to the last.

Iroh held the monk by the back of his collar, shaking his head mildly and galvanizing himself for the unpleasant, but necessary, task to come. "Aang, trust an old man in these things: Miss Katara is perfectly safe in her dressing room. She has several assistants in there with her, and Zuko is waiting several meters away, giving them their privacy." Iroh had arranged this so the assistants could quickly see to the wounds on the young girl's back without attracting attention. "Now, Aang, I believe you have something of mine, and you need to return it to me," he smiled gently at the Avatar's confused, mistrustful expression.

"This is about the card, isn't it?" the youth finally asked, slender shoulders slumping a bit.

Iroh nodded, eyes softening. Aang sighed and pulled out a flashy card, handing it to the former general and walking away dejectedly.

A pause.

"Not this one, Aang, the other one."

A similar pause. "Oh. Sorry... Here."

Iroh, relieved, slipped the new card into his sleeve– until he looked more closely at it, squinting his eyes at the small rectangle of plastic he held.

_Why that little imp..._

"Aang!" called Iroh lightly after the now rapidly-departing monk. "In case there was  _any_ confusion, I did mean the Ultra-Platinum Super-Debit Infinite card... They are issued by the Fire Nation, and as such are Fire Nation Royal Family property. I'm afraid there has been some... abuse of them, and I am collecting and confiscating them. I understand one came into your possession recently?" asked Iroh, trying not to show his amusement at the Avatar's antics.

Aang turned slowly back towards Iroh, looking down and scuffing his feet. He nodded sullenly, all his plans to spoil Katara with a special day together collapsing like a house of cards in front of his eyes.

Iroh knew the boy wouldn't want to relinquish the treasure, but surely it wasn't as tragic as the monk's crumbling face was making it seem?

"Could... Could I give it back tomorrow?" asked Aang hopefully, making a last-ditch effort to save his big plans.

Iroh shook his head 'No', sympathizing with the Avatar's reluctance, but firmly sticking to his original goal of regaining the indiscretion-excusing item. "No Aang, I need it now. I'm sorry, but this is very important." The Avatar's hurt, smoke-coloured eyes met his, and, lips pinched together tightly, he handed over the VIP status-granting card, his hopes with Katara, and the entire day's great expectations in one fell swoop.

Devastated, Aang angrily walked away leaving the Dragon of the West to stare after him sadly.

He wondered why the young boy had been so affected by the seizure of the card – he still had plenty of others, didn't he? And besides, he was a monk and wasn't supposed to be acquiring worldly goods in the first place.

 _Truly odd_ , thought Iroh, furrowing his brow.

The old man was interrupted in his musing by a ragged-looking page who nearly fell over, exhausted, upon reaching the former general.

Iroh held on to the poor young man's arm while he relayed his message, the page gratefully leaning into the other man's support. The dictation was delivered in laboured breaths due to the page's haste, but it answered most of Iroh's prior interrogations regarding Aang's behaviour.

(The message)

"Master Sokka and Miss Bei Fong send their regards and confirm they have located their friend's hotel and reserved an additional room for the night. They look forward to your esteemed patronage for the evening, and request you accompany their friends as honoured chaperone, as they have an abundance of chocolate, strawberries, and tea to share from Master Aang's suite. (Master Sokka also insisted I add "and lots of meat, too!", by the way.) They have sent a carriage and it awaits you outside, ready to deliver you and your guests promptly. They trust these arrangements will be satisfactory, and look forward to your arrival."

The young man finished, flourishing with a bow, but puzzle-pieces in Iroh's mind were already fitting themselves together, explaining without a doubt the despondent Avatar's odd demeanour.

 _So the young man had planned a private night to treat his best friend, away from work, campfires, and family spats? Chocolate and strawberries, too, eh?_ And Iroh was now expected to act as chaperone?  _(He raised an eyebrow at the last.)_ Well, this latest development with the hotel more than explained why Aang had been so protective of Katara when Zuko had been nearby, and why he'd wanted to keep the VIP status-granting card. He probably saw it as the only way to get everything the watertribe girl could have wanted And ergo, what Aang ultimately wanted.

Stroking his beard and looking off into the distance, Iroh actually respected, and even admired, the young man's efforts to spoil Katara. The old man was sympathetic enough to the Avatar's desire to treat women like treasures.  _Well, the airbender had to start somewhere_. He smiled as he went looking for Aang, deciding even Avatars needed a good room-party once in a while.

He trundled off, chuckling at the notion that he was supposed to be the chaperone.  _If they only knew_ , he thought, eyes twinkling in amusement,  _if they only knew..._

* * *

__Zuko stood stiffly, arms crossed, waiting for Katara to emerge from the dressing room. "How long does it take for a girl to get dressed? It wasn't like she had much on to begin with," he muttered to himself, getting bored. _Don't go here!_ His head shouted at him, and he quickly nodded in agreement. Definitely better he avoid... that subject._ _

 

A few minutes later, Katara did make her re-appearance, the assistants having worked their magic and returned to her her usual appearance.

Relieved and disappointed, Zuko approached her and offered his arm again automatically, assuming he was still on personal-assistant duty. Katara looked at the outstretched hand and stubbornly, but politely, declined.

 _I just waited out here for nothing?_ He thought dumbly, insulted at the snub.  _Did she think she was too good to accept help from a firebender? From ROYALTY?_ He started fuming, but Katara spoke up.

"No, it's ok, but thank you for offering," she waved his kind gesture away. "I know it was your uncle who asked you earlier, and I appreciate the concern, but I'm more comfortable under my own steam. But thank you for offering again, " she explained respectfully, still tired but determined to hold on to her independence now that she'd rested for a few minutes under the assistants' attention and care. She started moving past him, sorely, looking for Aang. All she wanted was a good meal and about a dozen hours' sleep at this point. She'd finish healing herself first thing in the morning.

"The avatar left a little while ago, if that's who you're looking for. Uncle went to find him and said he'd be right back. You might as well sit and rest while you wait," the prince informed her, noting how stiffly she moved.  _Crazy waterbender probably slipped a disc after all that action on stage,_ he assumed.

"Ah... You're sure Aang left without me? " she was visibly surprised by the news.

"Yes."

"Oh."  _So what was she supposed to do? Wait here like Zuko said?_ She looked at the older teen curiously. Was he her servant? She smirked at that and nearly laughed out loud at the subsequent mental image. (Said image involved Zuko in a French maid outfit, to start off with...)

Zuko eyed her warily, hostility prickling the back of his neck.  _And she's laughing for no reason. Great, now the damn water peasant was brain damaged._ Releasing his clenched teeth, he took a deep breath and let it out slowly.  _"Patience, Prince Zuko,"_ he heard his uncle's words resonate in his head. _Ok, just ask her if she's ok. Maybe she'll just... fix herself. Or something._

 _You're really grasping at straws_ , his mind informed him.

Clearing his throat, he looked at Katara. "Are you all right?" he asked her tersely.

She was sitting down against the wall again, a few meters from him. Her legs were pulled up to her chest and she rested her head on her knees. She glanced up at him, startled from her amusing daydream.

"Huh? Oh, fine. Sorry. Just... What did you do to get stuck babysitting the 'water peasant' ?" she asked off-hand, immediately regretting it when she saw the anger flash in his eyes. _Oooh, wrong thing to say,_ she thought.

 _Don't start an argument, she didn't mean to call the future Fire Lord an invalid's nanny, don't vaporize her, you need her help_ – his mind furiously tried to soothe his fractured ego –  _you're a prince, not a human torch, she really doesn't have a Joan-of-Arc complex, she's hurt, you imbecile, don't fry her! **For Spirit's sake, don't fry the Avatar's best friend!**_

He gritted his teeth.

 _She's delusional! She's just a peasant! She isn't worth the effort of incineration!_ Desperate, his mind was desperate to rationalise Katara's careless insult.

"I-"

 _Did she get to keep that really fantastic costume?_ Last resort! Last resort!

Automatically, Zuko saw Katara was indeed holding a shopping bag, and something very sparkly poked out the top. Further down the side of the bag, a seashell impression pressed out the seam...

 _Yes! Oh Spirits, yes yes yes!_  (Behold, the awesome power of the male-teenage-hormone-driven mind.)

"I am a prince, and it is my pleasure and honour to escort you," he replied smoothly, rage screeching to a halt and pulling a 180. "I do this not out of obligation, but in sincere concern for your well-being," he continued seriously, looking deeply into her eyes. "I hope I can be of service to you; please accept my offer of assistance and direct me as you see fit." He gave a slight bow and looked at her expectantly.  _Try to look friendly_ , his mind encouraged. He felt his mouth warp at the edges.  _There, that was a smile, wasn't it? She'll be opening up to me in no time!_ he thought confidently.

Katara looked at him like he'd just pledged allegiance to a brick outhouse.

"I must be more tired than I thought," she muttered, rubbing her hands over her eyes and face.

Swallowing a growl, the prince tried again, this time switching tactics. _Go for angle number two: angst-ridden, obsessive emo-prince mode! But don't threaten the Avatar!_ interjected his mind quickly.

"I realise we've been at odds,"  _waterpeasant_ "but it's about my uncle. I have to do something for him, and I need your help. Please,"  _damnit, what's her name? Name name name-_ "Katara,"  _bingo! Way to go, brain!_ "If you could just listen to me and consider my proposal, I'd return the favour in any fashion I could. If not for me, consider doing so for my uncle. Will you at least listen?" he asked, looking soulfully again into her eyes.

A short pause.

He waited expectantly.

"Your uncle finally started putting your meds in your food, didn't he? Is that it?" she asked him slowly, completely confused by the prince now.  _Oh, I'm getting a headache from his mind games_ , she thought.  _Aang, where are you? Spirits, where's IROH? Isn't he the one usually holding onto the annoying prince's leash? How could they leave me with this psycho?_  She put her head down, imagining herself in her happy place.  _If they aren't back in five minutes, I'm walking_ , she decided, letting out a frustrated groan.

The prince wasn't waiting for his answer anymore, though, and was quite miffed the little peasant hadn't immediately fallen to her knees in gratitude for his remarkable generosity. His features darkened and he strode to glower down at her, stopping less than a foot from her bowed head.

"Look, you ignorant water witch, you're going to help me, or so help me I'm telling your precious boyfriend about your little secret!" he snapped, all notions of regal patience clearly defenestrated. He figured everyone had a secret. Even waterbending peasants must. If she was going to ignore him while he was being nice, he'd get her attention through other means. He stood over her, smirking at her angry expression.

 _Aaaaaand the peacock finally shows his colourful tail to intimidate those around him_ , she concluded her appraisal as said peacock strutted confidently in front of her.  _Well, at least I know what **this** Zuko is like_, she thought, eyes narrowing at the arrogant firebender. She knew she shouldn't have reacted to his taunt, though, and cursed herself.

"I don't have any terrible secrets, unlike  _some_ , but why do you need help? Other than the obvious, I mean. And who said anything about me having a boyfriend?" she snapped, trying to sound disinterested in his threats. She stopped, before continuing in a slightly less-caustic tone, "And what does any of this have to do with your Uncle Iroh?" She didn't know the old man well, but he'd helped them fight the Fire Nation on more than one occasion, and she suspected often to his own detriment. She could at least listen, for Iroh's sake. It was just unfortunate she had to listen to his  _nephew_.

 _I'm in!_ He tried not to look overly triumphant as he explained his plan and her role in it. She sat silently, glaring at him as he went on.

He conveniently 'forgot' to mention his true motive for the whole operation, not wanting to seem overly selfish with regards to the fangirls (or concerned about his ability to maintain them). And besides, she didn't need to know  _every_ aspect of his well-intentioned 'gift' for his uncle.

She stared at him openly as he outlined his plan.  _He can't be serious_ , she thought.  _I'm delusional from adrenaline & exhaustion. That must be it. He didn't just ask me to–_

"So, do you accept now?" he asked imperiously, his arms crossed in front of him.

* * *

__The page rushed madly to the merchant district, the heavy bag of gold Prince Zuko had given him reminding him of his mission with every ching and clink. He looked at the shopping list and immediately hired an assistant with whom to divide the work, instructing the other man to deliver his packages at the hotel's "Special Guests" desk as soon as he finished._ _

 

He couldn't believe what the Prince has asked of him, and prayed this wasn't a joke and that he wouldn't be burnt to a crisp (or drowned... or beaten to within an inch of his life...) upon his return. He blushed as he entered the next store on the list, double-checking the name uncertainly.

He swallowed nervously and approached the counter. The clerk smiled at him warmly, noting his discomfort sympathetically.

"Hi, welcome to  _L'Agent Provocateur_. How can I help you today?"

* * *

__Sokka lounged across one of the couches, a content sigh escaping his lips as he stared at the frescoed ceiling arching above him. Toph was stretched out on a nearby futon, hands behind her head, listening to the recently-commenced movement of servants in the neighbouring suite. _So things were finally starting in Twinkle-Toes' room, huh?_ she thought to herself mischievously. A discreet knock at their own door sounded, interrupting her thoughts, and Toph waved their steward to accept the visitor._ _

 

"Now this is the life," claimed Sokka, calmed and finally appearing his normal self again. "A bit of comfort, help around the house, and plenty to eat. I'm so glad we went looking for Katara." He stretched and rolled onto his side as the steward returned and whispered something to Toph. Curious, he sat up and saw the earthbender nod, acknowledging whatever the attendant had just said.

A second later, a small battalion of efficient servants entered and arranged a dozen boxes in the middle of the floor before lining up in order of seniority behind them. Toph stood and called Sokka over to join her as she 'inspected' the boxes' contents.

"Do they meet with your approval?" asked the steward, who held out a card in his hand, likely from the gifts' sender. Toph and Sokka paid the steward's proffered hand no mind, however, their attention focused on the parcels distributed on their plushly-carpeted floor.

Opening the top of a random carton, Sokka was confused. _The boxes were full of holiday decorations?_ Holly, boughs of pine, ribbons, red, gold, and silver garlands of tinsel met his inquisitive gaze.  _What was going on?_

He shrugged, still a little muddled, and felt a nagging tug in his heart _. It probably doesn't matter where they came from_ , he figured, and assumed the hotel management had sent them up as a courtesy gift.

Sensing Sokka's general apathy (which she interpreted as passive acceptance), Toph deemed the boxes satisfactory, and the servants took to organising the decorations artfully around the room as Sokka watched and Toph... observed in her own way.

"No, wait, please stop." Sokka called out after a few minutes, shaking his head, a strange expression on his face. Toph turned to him. "Stop decorating, it's ok. We'll take it from here," the warrior assured them.

"What now, Sokka? They're doing their job. You just said things were fine."

"Yeah. No. I mean, the decorations are great. Really great, thank you!" he said to the help around the room. "But... uh, could you just leave them where they are for now, please?"

The servants looked at each other, then at the steward. He paused, then nodded to the staff and they re-grouped, bowed politely, and left the suite, the boxes of decorations settled in the middle of their sitting room. The steward waited for further instructions from the young masters, a patient, respectful smile at his lips. The card from the gifts' sender he placed on a nearby desk for the young people to read later.

"Are you making more work for us?" Toph asked Sokka peevishly, sitting down unhappily in front of one of the boxes and running her hands over a fresh pine wreath. She breathed in the familiar scent, the aroma sparking off a dozen years' memories.

Sokka bent over a box a few feet away, pulling out a large red velvet bow. "I just... We always decorated as a family. Katara loved putting up the garlands and things." He looked back at Toph, who was now pulling out a fluffy white teddy bear from another box.

"What is this? Did someone stuff Momo or something?" she asked sarcastically.

"No, just one of Appa's toes," tossed back Sokka drily, laughing at Toph's stony expression when she dropped the bear unceremoniously back into the box.

"So... What? What are you thinking?" she finally asked him again.

"Could we just wait for the others to get here, and then decorate together?" he turned and looked around at some of the holly boughs and similar forest-fresh sprigs and branches that had already been affixed over doorways and ledges. Other decorations were scattered about, and he picked up a few and returned them to their original cartons. He suddenly felt very homesick.

Shrugging her shoulders, Toph went back to her futon. "Sure thing, Meatbag. But don't expect me to help," she said lazily.

"Wouldn't dream of it," he said happily.

"And one more thing– move your great invention to the balcony before everyone gets here."

"But I was going to make it the centerpiece!" he wailed, distraught.

"It goes  _on_ the balcony, or you go  _off_ the balcony. Your choice, Christmas-pants."

Grumbling, Sokka dragged his awkward contraption through the French doors that led outside, effectively out of sight of any guest who happened into the suite.

Meanwhile, the card sat untouched and forgotten, nestled beneath a decorative lamp...

* * *

__"This isn't right," she said bitterly. "I'm going to be sick."_ _

 

"Stop talking nonsense. You're helping a caring, senior gentleman find happiness in his old age. What's wrong with that?"

"For one thing, it isn't helping, it's deceiving. For another, it's going to be found out, and when that happens, people will get hurt. For yet another,–"

"Quiet, here they come. And remember the deal." Zuko glared at her, and Katara glared right back.

* * *

__"Really? We can still have the hotel room for the night?!"_ _

 

"Two rooms, to be exact, and I will chaperone. But yes, all your previous arrangements will be honoured, and we'll accommodate whatever else we can for the night, within reason of course. But I retain possession of the card, and we leave first thing in the morning."

Twinkling, generous eyes smiled down at grateful energetic ones, and the old firebender laughed out loud as Aang launched himself at him and caught him in a fierce bearhug.

"Thank you so much, sir!"

"Call me 'Uncle Iroh', young Avatar," said the man kindly, smoothing down his red robes again.

"Then I'm just 'Aang', not 'Avatar', Uncle Iroh," smiled the monk happily.  _I have my very own personal Santa Claus!_ he thought excitedly.  _He's jolly and everything!_

* * *

___"So we're ready to go?" asked Iroh cheerfully as they piled into the carriage._ _ _

 

"Yes," the young firebender said smugly.

"You bet!" crowed the airbender enthusiastically.

Katara nodded, looking forlornly out the window. She felt dazed at everything that had occurred since that morning.  _Had it really only been a day?_  She sighed and mentally told herself to buck up.  _Come on, the night can't be any worse than the day's been, right?_ she chanced optimism. But she knew she was lying to herself. And desperately clutching at false hope, to boot.

She giggled, and recognised she must be a bit hysterical.  _Oh dear..._ More giggles. She covered her mouth with her hand, hoping to stifle the sound of her approaching descent into madness.

"That's the spirit, Katara! We're going to have a great time! The night is young!" encouraged Aang, smiling broadly at her.

 _Oh Spirits, take me now!_ The waterbender pleaded in futility, feeling tears streaming down her face as she laughed out loud.  _Right off the deep end_ , she decided, still giggling,  _that's where I'm going, right off the pier..._ She started singing in her head, concluding she may as well enjoy her journey into the Twilight Zone. _Oh I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, doodledeedoodoo, look at them all sitting in a row..._ More tears slipped out as she continued her little song.

"Such a happy, emotional girl, isn't she?" said Iroh to no one in particular as the carriage pulled away in the direction of their hotel.

* * *

___TBC..._ _ _

 

/end ch05 –

To all my readers, Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays! I wish you all the best! (Yes, more chapters are coming – I'm doing what I can to finish this story by New Years!)

/AN: Whoa, still lots of Author's Notes this time around... Sorry! I decided to use horizontal line-breaks instead of the all-caps scene-transitions this time. Does this make the story any easier to follow? Is it more or less distracting? Any comments on this?

/AN: Next up, Chapter 06! You have hints as to Zuko's plan, but will he pull it off? How does Katara truly feel? Do the other characters get gifts from M & B? And where'd the KatAang go?! Is this going to be a surprise-ending Zutara?! (I've been asked both those latter questions by reviewers.)

/AN: For those who may not be aware,  _L'Agent Provocateur_  is an intimate apparel retailer.

/AN: Always, thank you to my reviewers! As a first-time writer, your criticisms are immeasurably helpful to me.

/AN: Part of my last chap's Author's Notes were cut off, oh no! So, to clarify, the 'O TeaP' story I'm planning for 2007 is my idea, but the term 'O TeaP'/Tairoh is my friends Neko & Luel's creation. When they get their comic posted to Deviant Art, I'll be sure to point you there so you can check it out!

* * *

___**Chapter 9: Chapter 6: The Art of Losing Face** _ _ _

* * *

" **The Gift Horse"**

**AN: I don't own Avatar. All materials are copyright their original creators.**

The cast of Avatar receive gifts from their creators in recognition of all their hard work in Season 2. Toph is first in line.

Chapter 06 Summary: The group is reunited –but somehow, Aang still can't catch a break. What's an airmonk to do?

 **Warning: Embarassingly mushy opening scene & cartoon-ish violence throughout. I'm having an immature day, share with me!**  **Oh, and as usual, misinterpretations galore.**

Chapter 06: The Art of Losing Face ( _A.K.A. : There's no dishonour until you're caught_ )

ON THE ROAD

After her giggling fit, Katara'd fallen into a light sleep in the carriage, slumping over eventually to lean against Aang, not that her friend minded. He wanted to wake her up and share his anticipation with her, make sure she was as excited as he, see her smile at him, but he resisted the nearly overwhelming urge.  _It's so hard_ , he thought, biting his lip again as he reached out to push her up for the tenth time, trying to make her more comfortable. He brushed her braid away from her face and watched her sleep peacefully. He wished they shared more quiet moments like this together.

"Do you know how happy you make me?" he wanted to whisper in her ear. "How scared I was tonight? When everything started exploding and you ripped the water-dragons out of my hands, how proud I was of you?" He longed to tell her everything.  _Tonight_ , he promised himself, taking a deep breath and smiling a little to himself.  _I want to make you happy, too_.

Katara slumbered on, blissfully unaware.

* * *

___As Aang had made the accommodation arrangements for them earlier that day on his own, it was Katara's first time in the hotel itself when they arrived around 9:30 that night. Still groggy, she let Aang lead her by the hand and tug her through the lobby to the private elevators that led to the penthouse suites, while Zuko and Iroh followed behind them at a distance. The firebenders stopped at the main desk, each taking care of their respective business with the staff in separate private offices before catching up with Aang and Katara at the doors to Toph & Sokka's suite._ _ _

 

"Well, I guess this is where we leave you," said Aang hastily to the firebenders, his arm around Katara's back gently trying to steer her next door to their own room.  _Just a little bit further_ , he thought,  _almost there..._ "Have a great night, we'll see you in the morning!"

"Aang," scolded Iroh, watching the young man's swiftly-retreating form, "It's only polite to greet Sokka and Toph after such a long day. And I believe Sokka was quite concerned about his sister earlier. It is far better to shape a fresh sapling than try to bend the branches back once it is grown."

"I think he's right, Aang," said Katara slowly. She and Sokka had had a really angry fight earlier. She could stand to apologise, and knew it. "Was he really upset earlier?" she asked Iroh. The old man nodded.

While he had no clue what to make of the proverb, Aang felt he shouldn't protest when Iroh was already being so generous. Katara looked between the two, nodded, and walked back towards their friends' suite. Aang sighed & followed them, Zuko waiting with arms crossed and his customary frown on his face.

The prince had been attentive to the Avatar's actions with the waterbender, and was relieved his uncle had stepped in. He needed the girl nearby if his plan was to work, and he hadn't taken into account the young monk's potential threat to his success.  _An underestimate I won't make again_ , he thought, re-calculating his odds. Not that he felt threatened by the Avatar–oh no, definitely not. But definitely better to anticipate & prevent than be tricked and forced to react...

* * *

___The rumbling increased perceptively, and Zuko felt it in his bones. He looked over and caught his uncle's eye._ _ _

 

Iroh, sensing the shift in fandom, too, peered at his nephew shrewdly. Something was definitely going on. But on who's side?

Zuko smirked, providing Iroh with all the answer he needed.

 _Merciful spirits_   _protect us_ , prayed Iroh trying not to roll his eyes,  _the fangirls are on the prowl!_

* * *

____"Katara!" cried a very relieved Sokka, rushing to his sister and catching her in a hug– and promptly throwing her over his shoulder, hurrying to get her away from the rest of the group while she protested the undignified treatment._ _ _ _

 

"Sokka, what are you doing? Put me down, I'm not a sack of food! What's got into you?" she kicked at him and hit his back, finally bending a water-whip from a nearby vase of flowers and flicking him with it between his eyes. "Argh! Sokka, let me go!" she screamed in frustration.

"Ow! Whatdja do that for?" he complained, rubbing his face but still refusing to release his precious cargo. The others had left the siblings to argue and had moved through to the sitting room. Aang hung back, close to the entranceway so he could offer assistance (not eavesdrop, that was rude of course). Zuko nonchalantly moved to wait across from the Avatar, on the opposite side of the doorway.

"What are you doing here? Go away," Aang hissed crossly at the firebender.

"It's rude to eavesdrop, you know," said Zuko lightly, smirking at the Avatar's blush.

"I'm not eavesdropping, and even if I was, you're doing it, too. Or are you planning on kidnaping Sokka and Katara now, too? I'm here to look out for my best friends, especially Katara. She's exhausted you know, and may need my help in dealing with Sokka."

"I don't think she needs your help," said Zuko drily, watching as Katara chased and water-whipped her brother around the entranceway. (He'd put her down but a moment before, under what had obviously been duress.)

"You  _what_!?"

Sokka mumbled a reply, though with far less confidence than before.

"You've been going around all day letting people think I'm some kind of loose  _floozy_?!" they heard Katara shriek at her brother. The air- and firebender winced at Sokka's pitiful attempts at explanation as Katara descended on him like a vengeful demon.

"Ow! No, I didn't - ow! - mean it that way! I - ow! Was worried someone would take - ow! Owwww! - advantage of you!" he said, covering his head with his hands and ducking behind a piece of furniture. A piece of decoratively-carved wood thudded heavily to the ground beside him as Katara just missed his skull and instead took off part of the chairback. " _Meep!_  Katara, please listen, I only had your best interests at heart!"

"No, you had your own selfish ones at heart, Sokka!" Another  _slap!_ as her whip connected with a table, knocking it over in an attempt to trip her brother. "You wanna know who had my best interests at heart today? Aang. Iroh. Heck, even  _Zuko_! Not you. How could you go around spreading rumours about me like that?" she screamed at her big brother, not only angry, but deeply, deeply hurt.

Aang and Zuko felt both pleased and slightly guilty hearing Katara defend them. Each had glared at the other in challenge when she'd called their names, though.

"And you've been hanging out in this lavish hotel room all night, I bet! Who's the  _lucky_ girl who's treating you with her money tonight?" she lashed out at him. (Zuko & Aang were cringing a bit behind the doorway now, unsure of how to help th poor watertribesman who cowered, nearly in the fetal position by this point, at Katara's feet.)

"What do you mean, 'lucky girl'? It's Toph!" he said simply.

 _That idiot_ , thought Zuko and Aang in unison.

Everything went silent as Katara's breathing stopped, her face grew purple, and her eyes bulged.

" _You. Amoral. Pedant-!_ " she began in quiet, mounting fury.

The men were fairly sure the paint was stripped from the entranceway walls during the waterbender's subsequent tirade.

* * *

____"Wow, even _I'm_  impressed by Sugar Queen this time," Toph commented blithely to Iroh in the sitting room as Sokka let out a chilling scream. She offered the teapot to the gentleman across from her. "Freshen your cup?" she asked, in a tone similar to that of inquiring about the weather._ _ _ _

 

Iroh carefully accepted the pot and poured for himself, trying to ignore the thwacking and angry yelling from the next room. "Thank you, Toph. Is this ... a normal occurrence between the watertribe siblings?"

She shrugged. "Meh."

A loud crunching noise, a slump, and then quiet.

"Ooh, that's gonna leave a bruise come morning," came Aang's voice into the silence after a brief pause.

"Stupid water peasant," added Zuko.

Toph slurped her tea, utterly unconcerned.

* * *

____He fidgeted. _How long were they expected to stay?_ He was almost sure Katara had calmed down. In fact, she looked pretty spent and was rubbing her shoulder like it was sore. ( _Not surprising, considering the damage she'd caused when she lay waste to her brother_ , he thought.) Aang stood and casually walked to Katara's side, offering her a cup of tea. He prayed she didn't notice the teacup rattling on the saucer._ _ _ _

 

"Thank you, Aang. You ok? You look kinda pale." Katara gratefully accepted the tea after renewing her hair loopies, her cheeks still flushed.

"I'm great!" he said, too quickly. "Really, super. Is your shoulder ok, though? Want me to help rub it out for you?" he tried not to sound overly hopeful.

Zuko snorted quietly from his post by the doorway.

"I'd love that, Aang, but it's ok," she smiled at him sympathetically, appreciating the monk's gesture. Then her eyes grew wide and she smacked herself in the head. _How could she be so stupid? Again!?_ "Oh, and now that that's out of the way, what did you want to do for the evening? I'm so sorry I got... carried away with Sokka, Aang, especially when I'd promised to hang out with you tonight! Forgive me?" she apologised, reaching out & catching his hand. "We still have time, what did you want to do? Movies? Games? Music?" she asked him expectantly.

(Zuko twitched faintly at the last suggestion, but held quiet.)

"Actually, I'd love to help you out with your shoulder. We should see to that first. I'll go run some water so you an heal it," he offered helpfully.

Katara immediately remembered her burns. He'd definitely see them & panic if she uncovered her shoulder. "Oh, it's ok, Aang. Really. I'm sure it'll be fine," she insisted, looking away. "Let's go grab a seat with Toph and Iroh and have more tea, ok? Wanna eat & then go for a walk or something?"

Zuko noticed her evasion immediately, while the Avatar just nodded and followed her happily into the next room, practically hopping on her heels. Glancing at the clock and assuming he still had a few minutes before the rest of the packages arrived, the prince nodded the steward over.  _Let's get the ball rolling_ , he smirked to himself. He needed the waterbender relaxed first, though.

* * *

____"You're here to _what_?" asked Katara when their lovely, tall, dark-haired guest was admitted. Katara hoped she'd heard the girl incorrectly._ _ _ _

 

"Service you," repeated June lazily, eyes on Katara. "Come on, we're going next door where it's more private."

"Oh no, we're not, we're staying here. I promised to hang out with Aang tonight," she said desperately.

"Yeah, she promised!"

"June's a registered massage therapist, waterpeasant. Your shoulder's messed up, right? So she'll fix it for you," Zuko said disinterested, from the balcony.

"Did you do this?!" she whirled on him.

Zuko ignored her. Katara growled.

"Fine, have it your way," conceded June in a dismissive tone, hands on her hips. "Take off your clothes, then, and let's get started."

Katara's eyebrows shot up to her hairline. So did Aang's.

"We'll go next door," Katara quickly amended. Aang looked so disappointed she nearly cried when he looked at her with puppy-dog eyes. "Just for ten minutes, though. Ok, Aang? Ten minutes."

Aang was going to grumble, but realised that if it made Katara feel better, it couldn't be such a bad thing. He smiled at her. "Ok, but I'll be there at the eleven-minute mark."

"Deal." They smiled at each other before Katara and June left.

* * *

____Sokka groaned as they passed by on their way to Aang's suite._ _ _ _

 

"Who did this?" asked June, indicating the moaning watertribesman on the floor. Katara blushed and looked away, mumbling something about sibling rivalry, ashamed of her earlier loss of control.

June raised an appreciative eyebrow. "Nice work."

* * *

____June gave Katara some privacy so she could change, and Katara scrambled to heal the burns on her back & shoulders with some water from the sink. It was enough to close the skin, but the deeper muscle damage and overall soreness were still there. She returned to the master bedroom where June had set up her cart of massage supplies, and stretched out on the towel the other woman had laid down. After a few minutes of attempting to dissuade the other woman from her task, Katara found herself on her tummy, hands under her chin, praying she didn't lose the skimpy towel that covered her lower back._ _ _ _

 

"We'll talk if you want, you'll relax, and then you can rejoin the party again," assured June leaning forward, tossing her hair from her eyes as Katara nodded a bit. June went to work immediately, and Katara instantly decided she should have said fifteen minutes, not ten. She groaned in pleasure as June's hands found a knot in her back she hadn't even realised she'd had.  _Ok, maybe thirty or forty five..._

 _No wait! I'm supposed to be angry! I'm supposed to hang out with Aang tonight!_ She was having a hard time holding on to her temper, though, as more knots eased.

"So did the jerk put you up to this?" growled Katara, but it came out muffled due to the pillow she was facing.

"The jerk?"

"Prince Zuko."

"Oh, you mean your boyfriend?" Katara sputtered and would have flailed in indignation had she not been so terrified of losing her measly towel.

"Wow, you really tensed up. Ex, then?"

"No," said Katara coldly. "Just... very, very no."

June smirked. "I guess he really isn't very bright then." Katara ignored or just plain didn't acknowledge June's implications.  _He's such a jerk!_

"Argh! Why are boys so stupid?!" she asked in exasperation. Boys had been her problem all day. She was actually kind of grateful to be able to let off steam with another woman around, now that she thought about it. (It just wasn't the same with Toph.)

"Well, how else are we supposed to get what we want from them?" countered June smoothly with a small, secret smile as she moved up Katara's back to her shoulders. Katara winced a bit, but immediately let out an appreciative sigh as she felt her muscles deeply kneaded.

"Oh man, I'm getting you recruited to the Aang-gang for Season Three, just for your hands," said Katara, but when it came out of her mouth it sounded more like "Oh God, don't stop..."

"Well, Angry Boy knew enough to recognise your shoulder was hurt when he called in for me earlier tonight before you guys got back. Stupid and not stupid, that one."

"Uh huh, right," mumbled Katara, paying no attention. Her back was in ecstacy. "Oh, just a little to the – that's it! That's the spot!  _Oh sweet spirits, yes!_ " Katara's eyes rolled back in her head. "You have magic hands, June," she sighed approvingly, all cares erased from her mind.

June smirked again and chuckled, but a moment later tensed and straightened.  _Had there...?_ She looked around. A little wary, she scanned the room a second time before turning back to Katara.  _Must be the wind_ , she thought, and continued drawing moans and mewls of pleasure from the waterbender. Hey, she was good at her job.

* * *

____Aang had nearly fainted listening to Katara's exalted cries. He'd 'wandered' into the suite to offer Katara more tea (and see if she'd like to talk, offer help with the massage, anything they needed, really) and had been stopped dead in his tracks by the noises from within the bedroom. To an inexperienced young man, hearing such things (particularly from the woman he loved) was quite... educational._ _ _ _

 

"Oh God, don't stop..."

His eyes widened and he swallowed, trying to clear his strangely dry throat. He didn't know what was going on, but he started thinking it was wrong to be listening like this. And yet, his feet wouldn't move...  _What I'd give to know what was–_

"You're a bad monk, eavesdropping again like this," stated Zuko softly from directly behind Aang. Aang gasped and nearly jumped out of his skin from fright, about to defend himself when Katara suddenly cried out, "-that's it! That's the spot!  _Oh sweet spirits, yes!_ " in throaty tones. "You have magic hands, June."

Aang's eyes rolled up into his head. Faces purple, feet rooted to the floor, the boys stared at the door to the other room.

 _So she's a screamer, huh?_ Some distant part of him noted.  _Good to know, good to know– wait, **what**!? Ew, no no no! You're going to end up in the special 'reserved' section of hell for even thinking that!_

The sounds in the other room had paused and they stood stock still for a second, listening. "June, don't stop! It feels so good..." The symphony of happy female voices started up all over again.

Zuko cleared his throat, coughing quietly and looking away.  _Stupid hormones!_ He looked at Aang's enraptured face and prayed he hadn't mirrored it a moment prior. The Avatar swayed, nearly fainting, and Zuko panicked & grabbed the young man to prevent the noise from giving them away. There may be no honour in eavesdropping, but there was even less if you got caught for it.

"You're out of your league, Avatar," muttered Zuko, moving them both back towards the exit. "You need to learn a little self-discipline first." He half-carried, half-dragged the now quietly-protesting airbender out of temptation's reach.

He didn't get very far, though, when the bedroom doors flew open and slammed against the walls, June standing boldly in the doorway, hands holding a whip at her cocked hip.

"Did someone say...  _discipline_?" she asked languidly. Her eyes glittered in anticipation. "And I  _really_ hope you did."

Both boys froze in terror.

"Oh uh, hi... We came... to see if you wanted... some... tea...?" asked Aang weakly, clearly intimidated by the woman. He went pale beneath his furious blush.

 _We. Are. So. Dead._ Zuko's mind flashed, and he suddenly envied Sokka.

"Try again."

"Room service?"

"Forgot your food."

"... We came to warn you! There's an escaped killer from a nearby high-security mental ward! He has a hook for a hand and he's headed this way!"

"No wonder Sokka's your idea guy," sighed the bounty-hunter-slash-massage-therapist, tilting her head a bit and re-appraising them.

"Aang, is that you?" called Katara from the bedroom. She hadn't even had a chance to blink before June had leapt to the bedroom door, throwing a spare towel to cover at her as she kicked open the doors. Katara was sitting up, wrapping herself up as best she could. "What are you doing here? Is my time up already? Oh, I'm sorry if I'm late, I'll go change. I'll be right there!"

Aang barely caught a glimpse of Katara before June stepped in front of him, discouraging his view. His brow furrowed in frustration and he huffed a bit.

"It's ok, you have another five minutes, actually. These two were just trying to peep at you," said June easily, tossing her hair over her shoulder and glancing at the two young men in disdain – and amusement.

"They were what?!"

Until that moment, Zuko'd been silent since June's appearance on the scene.

Pride overruled commonsense during the exchange that followed.

"How dare you speak of the Crown Prince of the Fire Nation in such terms, you beast-riding peasant!"He proclaimed arrogantly, squaring his shoulders and stepping forward to challenge June.

 _Painfully_ overruled.

June slowly unravelled the whip, a predatory smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.

"Don't make me enjoy this,  _boy_ ," the woman countered sweetly.

Zuko's face darkened, brain froze, and mouth opened...

It was all violent crashing and howls of pain escaping from the adjacent room, as Aang barely had time to duck and all Hell broke loose.

* * *

____Iroh sighed good-naturedly as Toph sipped her tea and graciously accepted the one hundred dollar bill he slid across the table to her._ _ _ _

* * *

____TBC..._ _ _ _

* * *

____/end ch06 –_ _ _ _

 

/AN: Whoa, still crazy-long Author's Notes this time around... Sorry!

/AN: Many thanks to my reviewers for your comments – I've taken a few under advisement and will try and accommodate those I can if it doesn't seem like it'll upset the story too much. Then again, I admit this is already a pretty cracked story, so maybe more will just improve it...

/AN: June's characterization I based partly on my sister, and partly on a character from a Catherine Coulter novel (unfortunately, I don't have the book under hand at the moment). I thought giving June a slightly twisted personality with a bent for 'discipline' would be fun. I've been wanting to do this for a while. Oh yeah, and June's being a massage therapist just kinda made sense to my warped mind – good with her hands, and strong, and immediately knowing what people needed/wanted. (Ever had a really good massage after a hard day's work? Worth every red penny.)

/AN: I hadn't realised that I'd more or less beat up Sokka in every chapter until I re-read the first few chapters I wrote. I'm sorry! I'll try and have him conscious again soon!

/AN: Someone left me a PM saying I was a pervert for writing about Aang, Zuko & Sokka as if they thought with their dumb-handles. I guess that's a personal failing – most of my guy friends, when we were teenagers, DID think with their dumb-handles, and I just wrote things that way since it made sense to me. If it's really inappropriate, leave a comment and I'll try and curb it. Or post edited versions here, and more colourful versions on some other site. I did at least try to show that the guys realised it was their hormones leading them, though. Sorry, didn't mean to offend anyone!

/AN: I've made Katara incredibly violent. Again, this is a personal shortcoming – I hadn't realised how violently I'd portrayed the characters. Even though Avatar is a violent programme, I did go overboard. I guess I'm not challenging myself enough to find better ways of incorporating humour! I'll try harder!

/AN: Next up, Chapter 07!

/AN: Always, thank you to my reviewers! As a first-time writer, your criticisms are very helpful to me.

/AN: Something has come up here and it may take me a bit longer than I'd expected to finish this story. I'm very, very sorry!

* * *

____**Chapter 10: Chapter 7: RubADubDub** _ _ _ _

* * *

1" **The Gift Horse"**

**AN: I don't own Avatar. All materials are copyright their original creators.**

The cast of Avatar receive gifts from their creators in recognition of all their hard work in Season 2. Toph is first in line.

Chapter 07 Summary: In which almost everyone gets exactly what they want. Almost.

Chapter 07: Rub-a-dub-dub

IN SOKKA & TOPH'S SUITE

After a great deal of discipline had been meted out on their intruders, June had finished Katara's massage and the two young women had promised to keep in touch. Katara had rejoined her friends in their suite once the clean-up crew had arrived to set things to rights again, and promised to have it ready by midnight.

Once again in Toph and Sokka's suite, Katara leaned back in her chair sipping her latest cup of tea. She was completely relaxed, and smirked at her compatriots as they licked their wounds: Sokka, Aang, and Zuko were tending to themselves with ice packs and bandages. Toph and Iroh had a Pai Sho board out on the table, but it seemed more a conversation piece than a match. She looked back around the room and eventually noticed the row of boxes standing apart from the furniture, some still unopened.

Curious, she wondered aloud to herself, "Why are they piled around like that in here? That doesn't fit..." The rest of the suite was the picture of esthetic efficiency. Brow furrowed, she swallowed the rest of the tea and went to investigate.

Toph and Iroh quieted for a moment, and Iroh looked over to the waterbender.

"I believe your brother had something to do with those, Miss Katara. Something about waiting until you were here so you could share what was inside," said the kindly gentlman in guarded tones. Toph nodded and added, "Open 'em up – you'll see what he means. And Meatbag might even stop whining like a pansy long enough to join you."

Katara kneeled beside one of the boxes, hesitantly poking through the wrapping paper on top.

 _What could they possibly hold that..._ She stopped as she held up a box of beautifully-crafted crystal icicle and snowflake ornaments. She examined them briefly, remarking on their clarity, then gently placed them beside her before peeking into the next box and pulling out an intricately-woven wreath of conifer boughs, deeply breathing in the wonderful, fresh scent. Excitement mounting, she rushed to the next box and hurriedly tore open the top, nearly pulling off one of the flaps in her zeal. She delicately removed a string of gold tinsel. She stared at the coils of sparkles dancing in her palms, speechless. She took no notice of the other occupants in the room, her head bent over and her entire focus on the garland that fell into her lap.

The room had gone silent as Katara had ripped through the boxes, and then sat motionless with the garland. Tears, slow and silent, left fragile trails down her cheeks to her chin.

Sokka, limping only a little and being sure to approach his sister not from behind, sat down beside her, shoulder to shoulder.

"I thought we'd put 'em up together, whaddya say? Wanna see if we can order popcorn and thread from room service and make our own popcorn chains? I bet they'll go  _great_ with the fancy crystal ornaments and silk banners!" He said enthusiastically, and gestured with his less-injured hand to their lavish surroundings.

Sniffling and chuckling a bit at the absurd notion of ordering  _popcorn,_ of all thingsfrom room service at a four-star hotel, Katara rubbed her tears from her eyes, smiled and nodded. Sokka patted her on the back and let out an " _Oomph!_ " as his sister caught him in a bear hug around his middle.

"Thank you so much, Sokka!" she exclaimed, squeezing him with all her might in gratitude, forgiveness, and apology.

"Hey, what are big brothers for?" he asked, as they moved to the next box of decorations.

"Au pair!" called Sokka to their attendant, snapping his fingers. "Could you order us up a giant bowl of popcorn and some needles & thread, please?"

Exasperated, Toph yelled back at Sokka sarcastically, " That's ' _concierge_ ', not ' _au pair_ ', Meathead!"

The concierge had a tight look on his face, but held silent, praying for a magnificent tip to compensate for the evening's stress and mental trauma.

"An 'au pair' is a person you hire to look after your children," quietly explained a patient Iroh. (Iroh knows all about these things.)

After everyone had finished laughing at Sokka's blunder, they joined the siblings to put up the decorations; Iroh and Toph decorating the trees and plants about the suite, Sokka hanging the ornaments (and hammering the hooks in with the back of his boomerang), Katara and Aang hanging the garlands and boughs (airbending use number 457!), and Zuko ignoring everyone and their annoying festive cheer, despite Iroh's best efforts to include him. The young prince eventually huffed and stalked away to the balcony again, carefully avoiding Sokka's 'genius' as he looked out at the moon.

 _As soon as this is over, I'm out of here_ , the prince consoled himself as he studied the craters of the silver globe overhead and pretending not to notice his bruises, cuts, and he believed at least three cracked ribs from the beating he'd received from June less than an hour earlier. His uncle owed him big time for putting up with all this Crap-mas cheer without turning the Avatar and his friends into a bunch of 'burning' benders. Well, burning benders plus Sokka...

"Forgive my intrusion," interrupted the concierge who appeared at his side, "but the rest of your things have arrived, Prince Zuko. Is there anything else you wish?"

 _Thank the gods, we're almost done!_ He thought triumphantly as he thanked the attendant and followed him back inside.  _Oh waterpeasant_ , he gloated mentally,  _it's time to follow through with your half of the deal. Oh, he was going to enjoy this immensely!_

He almost smiled.

The concierge felt the hair on the back of his neck raise and fought to control a shudder. It was a thoroughly chilling sensation, the aura of the prince's 'happiness'...

* * *

____"Come on, Katara! It can't be that bad!" called Aang, banging on the door to the bedroom Katara had barricaded herself in._ _ _ _

 

 _Oh yes it can_ , thought Zuko gleefully. His face was impassive as the others tried to lure Katara from her confinement of bitterness and resentment. Iroh was the only one not in the huddle outside the bedroom, as he had offered to watch the tea while they cajoled the waterbender into returning.

"Get out here and get this over with, Sugar Queen; we don't have all night!" hollered Toph, stuffing her mouth with more nuts.

 _I can wait all night long if it means I get to see this!_ the prince crowed internally.

"Do you need help, Katara? Are you ok in there?" asked her brother, concerned.

Katara refused to answer.

"The sooner you do it, the sooner it's over with," called Zuko finally. "Hurry up, waterbender."

Snapping the door open at the prince's infuriating, but true, words, the young woman glared at him and marched angrily to the middle of the hallway. It was quite a sight, considering her new... attire.

"Katara, what the-"

"Can it, Sokka."

"Why are you wearing-"

"Not now, Aang."

Toph snickered.

" _You can't even SEE me, so don't even start, Toph!_ " shrieked Katara vehemently, pointing angrily at the earthbender.

"Now, now, I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation for everything," stated Iroh in calming tones from the sitting room. "Now, everyone come here and..." his voice trailed off as the group followed a silent, fuming Master Waterbender into the next room, and he saw for himself what the fuss was about.

_Oh my..._

Clearing her throat and glancing quickly at Zuko (who was smirking broadly enough to border on an actual grin), Katara set her face into her most sincere smile and faced Iroh.

"Zuko and I were talking today," she started, – _under duress, while I was wounded and exhausted_ , she added mentally,– "and we wanted to give you something special for the holidays."  _Or he'll blackmail me, the jerkoff_. "Something you'd always remember. So we came up with this, and we hope you like it,"  _or I'll have sacrificed my dignity for nothing_.

Adjusting her glittering top hat (Zuko seemed to have a bit of a fetish for sparkles, Katara noted oddly) and poofy, awkward teapot costume that came to just under her rear end, Katara took her stance in her matching, equally-sparkly high heels and started to sing and dance.

" _I'm a little teapot,_  
Short and stout.  
Here is my hande,  
Here is my spout.  
When I get all steamed up,  
Hear me shout!  
Tip me over,  
And pour me out!

"Happy Holidays, Uncle Iroh! From Zuko and I, with love!" she choked out and topped it off grandly with a bow, praying for a swift death.

Everyone stopped breathing. And blinking. It was like they'd all been momentarily beaned with a shovel. A very sparkly, poofy shovel.

The silence was broken by Iroh's thunderous applause.

"Wonderful!" he cried, tears filling his crinkled eyes. "Katara, you did a wonderful job! Magnificent! I'm incredibly touched. You've made me so happy! And Zuko, you came up with this? I'm so proud of you! Oh, I need a moment, I'm sorry. I'm just so happy!"

The rest of the group stared at the man having the definition of a 'sappy moment', trying to decide between getting kleenex for him or eye-bleach for themselves.

"Oh, and that's a great costume!" he complimented her enthusiastically. "I really like all the sparkles. Nice touch!"

 _Must be a family defect_ , she thought to herself dumbly, as Iroh continued praising her and Zuko.  _Firebenders sure were a strange bunch,_  Katara decided. Iroh pulled her and Zuko to him in a loving hug. Over the old man's head, the waterbender glared at the smirking firebender.

The room shook slightly with a small earthquake – it was a definite increase now! _He was going to win the fangirls back, he knew it! But would it be enough? What else could he do to solidify his lead and cement his success – hadn't working with the waterbender to make his uncle happy been enough?_ The Fire Nation prince wracked his mind to think of what other, possibly solution may assure his victory. It would be absolute. It had to be.

Fandom trembled in anticipation, and the rolling vibrations became a mounting rhythm of shudders through the suite.

* * *

____"Wow, these earthquakes have been getting stronger all day," remarked Sokka off-hand as he moved his Pai Sho piece across the board._ _ _ _

"Toph, anything you can do about that?" asked Aang as he sat next to Katara on the love seat, sharing a bowl of fruit with her once she'd returned from changing. He'd convinced her to keep on the sparkly heels, much to everyone's amusement.

"Oh, I'm sure I could find  _some_ way of –"

"Oh look, more parcels!" interjected Iroh, noting Zuko's darkening expression and interrupting Toph. He hoped to stave off another confrontation. "These look like they're from Mike & Bryan. I was wondering what had happened to them... Aang, Sokka, here you go. Katara, Zuko, here are yours," he said as he distributed the gifts.

They waited until everyone had their gift (except Toph of course, who'd already been blessed by the gods earlier that day), and then sat down together to open them, a little perplexed at how contrived the situation seemed, but accepting nonetheless. They'd spent most of the evening together and were relaxed and happy at the surprise.

Sokka opened his first. "Oh sweet! A subscription to  _"Carnivorous Connoisseur_ " monthly! And a boomerang sharpener! Talk about killing two birds with one stone!" he exclaimed, overjoyed.

Katara shivered a bit at the potential danger of epic proportions posed by Sokka's gifts and moved on to the next person. "Iroh, how about you?"

The general was tickled pink with his gifts. "They really went out of their way. Really, they shouldn't have! Oh! I'm getting my own episode of " _Antiques Road Show_ " all to myself, to go over all of my curios! And I have a guest-editorship for the weekly publication of " _Proverb-ially Tea_ "! I can't wait!" he was practically bouncing with giddiness.

 _Oh no, please don't let that mean he'll be collecting more crap– I mean, bargains_ , Zuko groaned inwardly.

"How about you, Aang?" asked Katara as Iroh kissed his letter with theatrical exaggeration.

"Not telling," he said quickly, sliding his gift into his robes.

"What do you mean? Come on, tell us!" teased Sokka from his seat on the couch.

The air monk shook his head and wouldn't be convinced otherwise, so Katara opened her gift next.

"I can't wait! I bet it's something really nice, to make up for last year. Maybe it's a spa-day package? Or some lessons in calligraphy, I've always wanted to learn. Or an iPod. Oooh, or maybe it's a pony! I bet they got me a pony!"

She really should have known better.

Her face pinched and she quietly muttered something that sounded suspiciously like voodoo curses under her breath before she balled up her letter and hurled it at the fireplace. It blazed for a moment before turning to ash, the waterbender sullenly glaring at it before turning back to the group with arms folded across her chest.

The rest of the group stared with some uncertainty at her sudden change in disposition.

"What?" she snapped, baring her teeth.

Iroh cleared his throat and turned to Zuko, hoping to dispel the tension. "So Nephew, what did you get? I don't suppose it was a good temper?"

Zuko grunted. His box sat in front of him. Two boxes, in fact; and one box was moving. And making sniffing noises. Zuko was eyeing the more active box warily.

"Are those... air-holes in the side?" asked Aang curiously.

"Maybe it's meat!" called Sokka hopefully, immediately flipping open his first issue of  _Carnivorous Connoisseur_ to see if there were any hints on preparing such a small quarry. It had to be a delicacy, if it had been delivered alive...

"I hope it doesn't carry rabies," added Toph laconically, smirking as the Prince's jaw clenched.

Katara was still grinding her teeth at being shafted again, and paid no mind to Zuko's intriguing boxes.  _How dare they gift her the shaft again? Her!_

"Ignore them, Zuko, they're only teasing. Go ahead, open it," smiled Iroh encouragingly.

Zuko nodded and carefully opened the stationary box, pulling out a blanket, a bag of food, two bowls, and some kind of harness with a note pinned to it that said "Put me on."

"Huh?" he mumbled, confused.  _What the hell was... How was he supposed to put it on?_ He'd never seen anything like it.

No one else had, either. Even Iroh was stumped this time. "Just find the arm holes, I'm sure you'll get it from there," he counselled his nephew.

Zuko's eyebrow raised – he had the arm holes now, but he was still in left field as to what to do from there.

Katara finally stepped in, recognizing the shape and straps and snapping herself out of her reverie.

"Oh! It's a snuggly-carrier!" she cried in triumph. "Here, put your left arm through here, and..." within a few minutes, the prince of the Fire Nation was sporting a very modern, stylish baby snuggly-carrier.

 _I am **not** emasculated_, he started repeating to himself fervently,  _ **I am not emasculated**. My manhood is  **completely** intact, and not challenged by this at all. I still love manly things, like uh... damnit, sparkly outfits – I mean, sparkly high heels, I mean, no, her seashells, fabulous mermaid costumes! No, wait!  **Argh, no, damnit**!_

"Well, I guess you should open your last gift now, Prince Zuko," said Katara as she tightened the last strap on the harness, oblivious to her fellow bender's internal battle against his mutinous psyche.

"No, that's ok," he said a little hoarsely. "You can do it. This is more than enough for me."  _Ever_.

Katara gave him an odd look. "Are you ok? Just open it."

 _You are a prince, you're a firebender, you're strong, you wield not one, but two big ass manly swords, you have a bad ass scar, you can open a little box!_ he shouted at himself.

_What if it has teeth?_

_Uncle Iroh will save me. I gave him a singing, dancing freaking teapot tonight, he owes me._

Nodding more to himself than anyone else, he picked up the box and sat a bit away from the group with the package in his lap. Taking a deep breath, he steeled his nerves, removed the top of the box, and –

"Waf!" yelped the fluffy puppy as it bounded into his arms and licked his face. "Waf, waf waf!" it yelped again, tail wagging furiously as Zuko just stared at the big, dark eyes shining at him in pure unadulterated love.

The floor in the suite shuddered and bucked before returning to its more standard vibrations.

"Hey, wait, down boy, ugh. Stop licking my face!"

"Oh, it's a puppy!" cried Katara, her previous rancor vanishing like smoke. She reached out. "Can I pet him?"

The ceramics around the room rattled with the increasing vibrations.

"Erk, geez, you're squirmy, you know that, Xiao Xiao?" said the prince, trying not to lose control of his very manly exterior, or the exuberant puppy in his lap as he lifted it slightly for Katara to touch.

"Here, I'll help you put him in the carrier," she offered. "I've seen moms do it all the time with babies."

The floor started to buck and heave, and the occupants were getting alarmed, glancing at each other in confusion.  _Should they take shelter? What was going on?_

"Whoa, easy, almost there..." Katara made her way carefully to Zuko to scoop up the puppy so they could move to a less dangerous area. As she helped gently lifted Xiao Xiao into the carrier, Zuko looked at his uncle– and was reminded of the moment on stage with him earlier that night, when Iroh had seemed so happy. Looking at the clock, Zuko realised he only had a few minutes left before midnight, and the ground (and the hotel suite) were shaking like a mad volcano about to erupt.

"There we go, all nice and safe with you baba, now, aren't you?" said Katara sweetly to the puppy, gently scratching its chin as it looked out at her from the top of the carrier. The puppy gave another "Waf!" before licking her finger happily. Katara laughed and before she knew it, looked up at Zuko, smiling happily.

A few paintings fell off the walls, and a vase shattered when it toppled from a desk, spilling its flowers across the floor, renewing everyone's efforts to find shelter.

 _This is what I've needed!_ Zuko realised, feeling the suite's floors rocking, and bucking and heaving more violently. The others had all scrambled to separate doorways and under tables hoping for cover from the strange earthquake, and calling to each other.

"Toph, isn't there anything you can do to stop this?" yelled Sokka from the entranceway.

"I'm  _trying_ ," she replied, teeth clenched. There was so much noice they could barely hear each other.

"Katara, are you ok?" hollered Aang, but it was lost in the sound of a mirror falling and shattering on the floor.

Katara looked away from Zuko and the puppy to see some of their decorations fall, and an end table tip over. Eyes growing wide, she wondered what the hell was happening.

 _Almost there!_  thought the prince. He grabbed Katara's wrist and pulled her over to Iroh, who was holding on to a doorway and covering his head with this sleeve. Katara followed, protecting the puppy with the cover from the box.

"Nephew," said Iroh sternly, "this has gone on  **long enough** Either concede or conquer, before someone gets hurt." The message lost some of its severity when Iroh then leaned over to tickle Xiao Xiao between the ears. "Hello, little one," he said cheerfully.

"Uncle, I will succeed! I know I can win. I can give you something no one else can," said Zuko confidently, still grasping Katara's arm.

 _Immeasurable grief?_  wondered the girl, sarcastically.

"Zuko, what are you–"

" ** _Grandchildren_** , Uncle," declared the young firebender meaningfully, looking at Iroh knowingly.

A pause.

Then, comprehension dawned over Iroh's face. "Oh, Prince Zuko! You've finally given an old man true happiness!" he cried, tears welling up in his eyes again for the -enth time that night.

Zuko smirked.  _Victory shall be mine!_  he gloated triumphantly.

"Wait, what just happened?" asked Katara, confused, looking up from the puppy. "Why are you looking at me like–  ** _OH MY GOD, NO–!_** "

"May I help decorate the nursery?" asked Iroh, oblivious to Katara's face which had turned a charming shade of purple from shock and lack of air. "Oh, I'm just so excited!" Iroh enthusiastically embraced both Katara and Zuko in a crushing hug.

"You're going to be a grandfather, Uncle. Well, a great-uncle, I suppose, specifically," added Zuko, stealthily trying to thump Katara on the back to induce respiration.

"Oh, I've always been a  _great_ uncle, Nephew," replied Iroh, eyes twinkling. "Ooh, I wonder if there'll be twins!"

The clock struck midnight, the precise moment fandom went officially nuts. And Katara fell dead to the floor.

* * *

____"Katara, are you ok?" Sokka's voice, not Aang's this time. She thought she'd been asked that question a lot that day..._ _ _ _

"I  _did_ try, Aang! I couldn't stop the shaking. There's only so much I can do, ok!" shouted Toph indignantly.

"Miss Katara, please open your eyes if you can hear us. Xiao Xiao is getting quite upset." That was Iroh.

"Waf!" Yep, even Xiao Xiao was in on the action. And licking her face.  _Puppy drool, oh joy unbounded. Wait, then that means that right beside her must be–_

She felt one hand squeezed. "Come on, waterbend-, uh, Katara."

Oh  _no._

The other hand received a decidedly more possessive squeeze. "Please Katara, wake up," whispered Aang.

Groaning, she opened her eyes slightly to see everyone staring down at her.  _This has been a really long day_ , she thought to herself.

"I'm ok, quit fussing," she sighed and tried to sit up. It was a little difficult with the annoying deathgrips on her hands, but she managed it and met with a resounding headache of success.  _Hurray_ , she thought with irritation,  _more pain!_

"You were only out for a few minutes, but you worried us what with all the ground-shaking and all," explained Sokka. "Apart from the fall itself, you weren't hurt, though, as far as I can tell. Did you faint before you lost your balance or something?"

Katara tried, but could not for the life of her remember the last few minutes before her fall.  _She'd been helping Zuko with the harness, then petting the puppy, the ground shook, and then... Fuzzy_. Her forehead wrinkled in concentration.  _Why was it fuzzy?_

"I don't know," she said finally. "I must have hit my head on something. Maybe I was just too tired?" The puppy wimpered and Katara absently petted him to reassure him. "S'ok little guy," she smiled at the limpid eyes.

"Well, you've had a really long day. Did you want to call it a night?" asked Aang, relief and disappointment swirling in his heart.

"Probably should, yeah... But I do want to apologise to everyone first, for being so irate today, and then worrying you tonight," she added, meeting everyone's eyes. "I really lost control of myself today, got jealous, and even let my anger get the better of me. It wasn't fair to any of you, and I'm really, really sorry," she bowed her head down to emphasize her humility, knowing she was lucky to have such good friends to care for her.

 _I don't deserve you guys, sometimes. But I'm really happy I have you_ , she thought.  _But seriously, I could do with less grief. It wouldn't kill you to all smarten up once in a while._

"Don't worry about it," Sokka reassured her, clapping her on the back. "We didn't always make it easy on you, either," he added sheepishly.

"If you want to make it up to us, you can heal us from all these bruises," joked Aang, pointing to the goose egg on his head.

Katara's ears perked up. "Actually, how about I do that? Then nobody wakes up with aches in the morning?" The others shied away, but she persisted. "Come on, it won't take long if everyone gets in the tub together, with that much water.."

Herding Sokka, Aang, and even Zuko into the massive bathroom, Katara deflected complaints and arguments and turned on the jets in their impressive, ten-man hot tub.

* * *

____BACK IN THE LIVING ROOM: IROH_ _ _ _

He took out his notebook from his sleeve and started writing...

_Dear Diary,_

_Yes, things definitely turned out in my favour! Today, Zuko gave me the most wonderful news!... Note to self, give Zuko 'The Talk' very soon, to make sure he knows what he's doing, to ensure success..._

* * *

____BACK IN THE LIVING ROOM: TOPH_ _ _ _

Leaning back on the couch, hands behind her head, Toph chewed on a nutshell, contemplative. Then, she chuckled.

"Rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a tub. Way to go, Katara!"

TBC...

/end ch07 –

* * *

____/03Jan2007_ _ _ _

 

/AN: As promised, here's the link to the 'Tairoh' (Tea x Iroh) comic my friends Akuma & Luel created! /AN: Also, if you missed the notice in my LJ or my profile, the first ship to give me ten comments gets their ending posted first. (Yes, I'm writing two endings to this, one Zutara, one KatAang. I've had some really nice comments from both ships, and I figure an epilogue for each group is a nice way of saying 'thank you for putting up with my crack story!'. I'm sorry I can't figure out a Tang ending for it – I'll try and write a Tang story this coming year, if there's any interest. Anyone got a theme/prompt/rating level to request? It'll help me shape it!)

/AN: Sorry this chap is late! Explanation in my LJ if you're interested (see my profile).

/AN: Happy New Year! Up next, epilogues! (Vote in the comments for which you'd like to see first!)

* * *

____**Chapter 11: Chapter 8: Kataang ending, Part 01** _ _ _ _

* * *

" **The Gift Horse"**

**AN: All materials are copyright their original creators.**

The cast of Avatar receive gifts from their creators in recognition of all their hard work in Season 2. Toph is first in line.

Chapter 08 Summary: You asked for it! Here it comes.  **IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ ANY KATAANG, WAIT FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER! I'LL TRY AND GET A HEADSTART ON THE ZUTARA CHAPTER NEXT SO WE'RE EVENLY PACED!**  I'm not entirely sure how much of these chapters will repeat themselves in each other, yet. I've had a lot of problems writing/etc, so I can't make regular updates. Sorry sorry sorry!

Chapter 08: Kataang epilogue part 01!

IN THE BATHROOM OF THE HOTEL SUITE

Zuko had been healed first, as he had refused to share a bath with the others and risk being infected by the 'peasant cooties', as Sokka teasingly called them. The prince had even insisted Katara stay out of the water, leaving her to roll her eyes as she leaned uncomfortably over the side of the Jacuzzi to heal the temperamental firebender.

Asserting he had to go back to his uncle (who'd volunteered to look after Xiao Xiao during the bathing/healing), the prince left before he'd even dried off, quietly calling "Here, boy, here here…" and trying not to draw attention to his sudden warp in priorities.

Sokka was next, as his injuries were more extensive and he required quite a bit of attention. While working on a particularly nasty lump, Katara diligently pledged she'd definitely have to think twice before beating the living daylights out of her brother the next time he angered her, since she was sure it had cost  _her_  more pain and energy to wound and heal him than it had cost  _him_  in pain and suffering to be her victim. She darkly cursed her lack of forethought… and his insensitivity, just for good measure.

Giving him a final once-over, she pushed herself up and away from the cramped ledge, leaning backwards to stretch out her spine for a second. Patting him on the shoulders, she stepped back from the edge of the tub she still hadn't set foot in. "Ok, looks good, Sokka. Are there any other sore spots I missed?" She gave him a hand as he stood up.

Testing his arms, legs, and neck in a series of comically macho poses (macho-ness which was rather challenged by the tufts of fluffy white foam that clung to him from the bubble bath), he replied, "Nope!" and gave her a grin. "Feels good, looks better! Thanks, Katara."

Climbing clumsily out of the tub, he quickly toweled off the worst of the dampness, while Katara did a few more stretches.

"You almost ready, Aang?" Katara looked around for her third and final patient while Sokka stepped picked up his boomerang and proceeded towards the door of the bathroom.

Lost in thought, Aang was startled out of his reverie and quickly nodded.

Sokka rejoined the others in the living room, leaving Aang and Katara with a finger-wagging warning of "I'll be Right. Through. Here—so don't even THINK about it," and an  _I'm-watching-you_  gesture, while the healer and the Avatar looked at each other and struggled not to roll their eyes.

"So… Do you need a break, or is it my turn-" Aang began, but Sokka's bubble-covered head materialized in the doorway to interrupt.

"Ah-ah-ah!" he said, repeating the  _I'm-watching-you_  gesture again.

"Argh, Sokka, we get it – get out before I lose my patience again!" growled Katara, pointing her brother to the door, holding her head in frustration with the other hand.

Glaring at each of them in turn, and repeating the big-brother look one last time, Sokka finally left them in a huff, muttering something about bloodsports and healthy caution. Looking at each other, Aang and Katara released a collective sigh of relief.

"Arg, sometimes…" she let her hands drop to her sides, and leaned against the hottub.

Aang smiled in return. "But he means well, Katara. He  _is_  your big brother." He shrugged a bit, and his voice lowered almost imperceptibly. "His mission in life is to protect you. You're important to him… I understand that."

Katara looked over to her friend. Was it just her imagination, or was there… something else to his words? She eyed him carefully for a moment, trying to make up her mind.

Aang swallowed, blushed a bit, and averted his eyes, rubbing the back of his head. "Family, eh? Hahaha… That Sokka."

Katara nodded, smiling. "Yeah, family. We look out for each other," she sighed. "Even though the over-protective brother routine  _does_  get a little annoying at times, " she chuckled, remembering her brother's different outraged expressions over the course of the evening. "And, despite how he acts sometimes, he cares for you like family, too, Aang," she added quickly. "Family sticks together, even if we do annoy each other sometimes."

She reconsidered. "A lot."

She paused.

"Daily." Her face wrinkled a bit in thought…  _Come to think of it, her brother was a severe pain in the ass more often than not… Hmmm…_

Aang nodded, some of his apprehension eased at her words, but replaced with a different anxiety. The butterflies-in-your-stomach variety anxiety.

 _Oh boy_ , he thought, turning back to her with the best friendly-class grin he could muster,  _should I really risk this? This family? This friendship?_  He wavered.

Katara sensed his insecurity, and quickly reassured him. (Though unfortunately, she misinterpreted his reasons for concern…)

"So don't worry, Aang—we'll always be together, ok? Sokka loves you like a little brother, really—apart from an occasional beating to remind you of his 'superiority'," she snorted in amusement at the latter notion. "He'll never hurt you. I promise." She smiled at him and reached out her hand. "So, you ready?" She asked him, indicating the tub with her head.

Letting out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding, Aang let his shoulders relax, his heart reach out, and his hands join Katara's.

"Yes," he breathed, and the air shifted gently around them, embracing them and softly pushing the door closed to meet its frame. "I am."

* * *

____IN THE LIVING ROOM_ _ _ _

 

"For the last time, peasant," growled Zuko through grit teeth, patience barely holding out against the watertribesman. "Get that  _thing_  away from Xiao Xiao or I'll be roasting  _you_  in it!" The puppy whimpered softly at the hungry gleam in Sokka's eyes and cuddled closer to the young firebender for protection. The prince petted the terrified young animal absently, calming him.

Sokka nonchalantly tried to hide the jug of barbecue sauce back in his robe, while 'accidentally' taking notice of his great contraption which had somehow managed to find its way back into the suite and up onto the dining room table. With a full range of barbecue skewers and utensils laid out reverently beside it. "What are you—oh my,  _however_  did this get here?" he asked in overly-innocent tones. " _Whatever_ could we do with it—oh, wait! Since it's already out, and we have some live meat right here, why don't we—"

Zuko's fists clenched and he started towards Sokka, smoke rising from between his fingers. "Enough, you-"

Angry-Prince-Nephew-Sense tingling, Iroh called hastily from the next room, "Prince Zuko, could you come here a moment, please? I need your help with something."

Glaring at Sokka before turning on his heels to attend to his uncle, the young firebender shot out a  _this-isn't-over_  look at Sokka before stomping away, Xiao Xiao tucked preciously against him in the snuggly.

Sokka paused before giving a quick shrug. He returned to his great invention and checked the temperature gauge, mumbling something about the proper pre-heat settings.

* * *

____IN THE HALLWAY OF THE HOTEL_ _ _ _

 

"I didn't  _mean_  to, Azula, it just sorta happened," babbled the apologetic acrobat, walking on her hands down the hall. "But he had the most gorgeous blue eyes, and he was really tall and pretty, and he had a mouth that wouldn't stop-"

"Enough, Ty Lee," Azula commanded in clipped, patient tones. "Just point him out when we get there."

"He's really goofy and sweet, though! And those hands— warriors have the  _best_  hands! So strong, and…" she looked at Mei for support, but Mei rolled her eyes languidly and shook her head at Ty Lee as if to say,  _why are you wasting your time looking at me to back you up?_  "I bet you'd like him, too, Azula, if you got to know him…" she continued, trying hopefully to alleviate some of her awkward predicament.

Azula kept marching down the hall, paying no mind to the stares of the staff and servants that followed them. (She was used to it. And she'd just had her eyebrows waxed that afternoon, so she knew her eyes were probably even more devastating than usual.)

"If you think I'd lower myself to even acknowledge a peasant, warrior or no, you vastly underestimate me," instructed the ruthless leader, her indulgent tone belying the threat held behind the words. "Now, this is it. Ready girls?" she paused outside the doorway to the suite.

Mei nodded vaguely, still wondering how she'd gotten dragged into the infernal affair of a stupid boy-hunt. "Uh huh, anytime," she drawled. She wondered who else they were likely to meet in there.  _Would **that**  person be there? If so, perhaps…_ She interrupted her own thoughts, attention returning swiftly to the present.

The two sober girls looked at Ty Lee for confirmation.

Ty Lee doubled back over to stand on her feet, quickly pirouetting to get the kinks out. "Ok!" she chirped. "Let's go! Yay, boys for me!" She nearly clapped her hands in delight.

Azula smiled tranquilly and reached out a hand to knock on the door.

TBC

/end Kataang epilogue, Part 01.

* * *

____/AN: Sorry, my muse escaped! Short and uninspired chapter was the result. I know, this chapter sucked hard. Do you guys have any suggestions? My ideas aren't coming together right at the moment, and I'm more than willing to try and work in other things to help get me back on track again! What do you want to see? I can't guarantee it'll all happen, but some of them will, and I have part of the next bit written, I'm just not sure it feels right. (Would a lovey-dovey scene actually WORK at all? Erk. I'm still new to writing fic. I'll see what you guys write before I post the next part.)_ _ _ _

/AN: Also, since the link to the comic I mentioned before didn't show up in my last ANs, I posted it in my profile. Enjoy!

* * *

____**Chapter 12: Chapter 8: Kataang ending, Part 02** _ _ _ _

* * *

" **The Gift Horse"**

**AN: All materials are copyright their original creators.**

The cast of Avatar receive gifts from their creators in recognition of all their hard work in Season 2. Toph is first in line.

Chapter 08 Summary: Oh the chaos, oh the mush… ;)  
AN: Sorry, I know I promised the Zutara ending next, but it worked out easier for me to continue with this Kataang ending first – one part left, and then we move to the Zutara! Sorry about the confusion—I was sick recently and bumped my head, so blame this inconsistency on that!

Chapter 08: Kataang epilogue part 02!

LIVING ROOM OF TOPH AND SOKKA'S SUITE

"Ah, Zuko my boy, please help me with these," said the kindly ex-general as he carefully placed a few small cartons in his nephew's outstretched arms. Carrying over a fresh pot of tea and some cups on a tray, Iroh slowly meandered back to the living room, grumbling nephew in tow.

"More stuff? What's in these boxes?" asked Toph sleepily, hearing them bump together as Zuko placed them on the low table before sitting down by his uncle.

"A little something I thought everyone would enjoy," he teased in conspiratorial tones, offering her a box. Zuko chose one, too, but hesitated before opening it – he wasn't sure he was ready to become parent to another 'pet' quite yet.

Even Sokka wandered over, though he kept an ear on the sounds from the hallway that led to the bathroom- and an eye on Zuko's front-mounted cargo. ( _AN: I meant the puppy by that, btw. Just to be clear._ )

Each started to open their respective box.

Their steward heard a knock at the door; he quickly returned and spoke quietly to Iroh. "Is she now?" the gentleman noted curiously, before rising to follow the attendant to the front door.

Glancing at his charges, he called jovially to Zuko, "You're in charge of things here until I'm back, Nephew! People and gifts included. No raiding the mini-bar!" he chuckled as he made his way to the visitors who'd arrived.

Zuko looked up at his uncle's parting words, a bad feeling in his bones. He looked over to see the idiot finally opening his box.

"What the— _fruitcake_!?" cried Sokka indignantly as he flung the wrapping away. "Is this some kind of Fire Nation joke?"

"I wonder if I can bend this," muttered Toph to herself, banging the lump of cake on the side of the table. "It's definitely hard enough."

Zuko started wishing he'd remembered to ask the concierge for ulcer medication when they'd first arrived from the recital hall that night. He looked dismally at the two loud, unhappy people across from him and then down at his own box and felt like screaming in frustration at his uncle,  _Why am I the one in charge of all the fruitcakes?!_

Xiao Xiao whimpered and gave poor, futile Master a lick of encouragement.

* * *

____HOT TUB ACTION, BABY!_ _ _ _

"So, are we returning to eat or sleep after this?" asked Katara with a small laugh as she healed Aang's arm in her lap. She sat beside him in the tub, relaxed and patient as she treated him and felt the water jets massaging her back.

He yawned and smiled back at his best friend, happy just for the quiet time together after their busy day. "How about… just talking?" he asked cautiously, trying not to blush as her hands moved over him, searching for any other areas that needed her attention.

"Sounds good—about what?" Putting his arm down, she reached across him to run her hands up and down his torso, opposite shoulder and arm. "Did I miss anything on this side? How's your back?" She held him in strong arms and started turning him around on the submerged bench they shared so that his back faced her.

The young man fought to remain calm (and awake) under her ministrations. "Oh, um, anything, really. I think I'm fine now. Thank you." He took a deep breath and held it as her hands moved over his shoulders and up to massage the back and sides of his neck. He nearly gasped as he felt her kneading the tension there. "Wh-where'd you learn this? Is this part of the healing, too? Your skills are pretty amazing, Katara," he managed, his voice cracking slightly as he tried to ignore the urge to sigh in pleasure. He hid another yawn behind a hand.

She chuckled in appreciation and moved her fingers to a different part of his neck. "I learned this from June earlier, actually. I thought you'd had a long day, especially dealing with me, and deserved a bit of extra attention… I…" She took a deep breath before continuing. "You're more to me than just family, Aang. You're important to me. Days like today make me realize just how much…" She paused again, her hands stilling on the back of the shoulders she faced.

Aang waited, barely breathing. He was excited beyond belief, but could barely keep his eyes open. The duality was some kind of strange cruelty, he decided.

"I want… I want to say 'thank you', for today. Every minute you helped me, every moment by my side, every gentle, patient word… I want to thank you." Though he couldn't see it, she was smiling.

Slowly, she slid her hands down from his shoulders, and reached around him, pulling him into an embrace from behind. She rested her head on his shoulder, leaning into his neck.

 _Katara!_  Aang was trembling; head bowed a little, a furious blush across his cheeks. He bit his lip lightly; making sure it was real and not a dream. His mouth moved a bit, but no sound came out, and his heartbeat sped up erratically.

He felt Katara's mouth inches from his ear, her warm breath tickling his earlobes and neck.

"Thank you, Aang," she whispered softly, and squeezed him in her hug. She gave him the briefest of kisses on the side of his jaw, and pulled away.

That did it.

His eyelids fluttered as he groaned and slid unconscious under the water.

"Aang, what the—AANG!" yelled Katara in surprise, as she madly grabbed at the sinking Avatar.

Of all the— _why did everyone she or Sokka kissed end up dead or unconscious!?_  Damnit, she was en route to some serious confidence and intimacy issues of this kept up.

…  _Hmmm, wait a sec…_

The gears in her mind whirred into action.  _If only she could harness this destructive potential…._

The sound of bubbles rising from the water in front of her broke her from her plotting.

_Oh geez! Right, Avatar sinking!_

Katara pulled her thoughts back to the present and hauled Aang from the tub, accidentally toppling over the side and falling to the floor. He landed awkwardly on top of her, her hands around his waist to steady him.

Groaning, Aang lifted his head up slightly, and from between the warm mounds supporting his head, he saw Sokka in the doorway.

Vengeful, fully-armed, meat-roaster-mounted-to-his-back (and flaming!), overprotective, big brother, Sokka.

 _Oh hells, it's all over now. It doesn't matter anymore_ , concluded the monk in exhaustion.

With that thought, Aang felt a brilliant smile spread across his lips, sighed happily, and buried his face in Katara's chest, deciding he might as well die happy. "Love you, Katara," he said and let the dark wings of sleep embrace him.

* * *

____SUITE ENTRANCE_ _ _ _

"… which is why we're here for the card. Ty Lee," Azula indicated the other girl move forward, which she did and offered Iroh a beautifully embossed red envelope. He accepted it and motioned them into the suite, but turned to give his niece a warning look.

"You are to behave, Princess Azula. The others have had a long day, and want to end it on a pleasant note. Even your brother has learned to observe his good manners. Follow his example for once, please."

"Of course, Uncle," agreed Junior Royal Psychopath smoothly. "Oh, we brought gifts for the peas- for everyone. May we bring them inside?"

The Dragon of the West glanced over the boxes, one eyebrow raised. Against his better judgment, he nodded.

Azula smiled and followed, trailed by her two comrades and their team of servants.

She stopped dead at the chaos that met them upon entry into the suite.

It was utter bedlam.

Furniture was broken and knocked over, nut shells and other debris littered the floor, and at the coffee table Toph was earthbending what looked like a half-dozen fruitcakes into a penguin. Zuko was cuddling happily with the puppy, the snuggly-carrier still expertly wrapped around him. Sokka was out on the balcony trying to lure a nocturnal squirrel into a strange, fire-breathing cage on his back.

"So their aberrancy is contagious? Enlightening," acknowledged the princess as her gaze swept the wreckage. She moved further into the room and let the others admire the mental delinquency that had manifested itself all over the suite.

"Wow! I hope they invite us to their next party!" gushed Ty Lee, her hands clasped together at her chest in awe.

"Aren't we missing two of them?" Mei folded her arms in front of her, unimpressed. She brushed a nearby bench clean and sat down to examine her fingernails.

Ty Lee started towards the balcony to join Sokka. "I'll go ask him!" she offered far too enthusiastically.

"Just bring him inside, Ty Lee, thank you," ordered Azula as she waved the servants and their boxes in.

When they were all seated at the coffee table, Azula raised her teacup and bowed deferentially to her esteemed uncle. Iroh kept his eyes on her and nodded at her to continue.

"I wish to thank you for your hospitality, and extend these gifts to you," she started, and the servants gave each of the suite's occupants a large box. "I ask only for the return of my property."

Zuko met Iroh's eyes, confused.  _She couldn't mean…_  The prince completely misinterpreted Azula's words.  _Her property?_  Before Iroh could stop him, Zuko leapt to his feet.  _The watertribe idiot had been with his sister!?_  A mixture of horror and revulsion so strong it nearly overpowered him rushed through the young firebender, and his eyes narrowed.

"You were with my sister?! And you nearly bankrupted my treasury!? DIE!"

"What?" screamed Sokka, looking up from the box in front of him, completely confused. "No wait, of course not, I—" he put his hands up to fend off the irate prince, and jumped to his own feet. This situation did not bode well for him, and he preferred to run and fight another day than sit and perish in the way.

"Wait, both of you,-" started Iroh, but was drowned out by the next outburst.

"Hold on, Sokka—you were  _playing_  me? With my  _best friend_ , behind my back? And just for her  _money_!?" screeched Ty Lee. Her cheeks were as pink as her outfit, and there were tears in her eyes. Her fists were bunched tensely at her sides, shaking.

"No, I only dated  _you_  for the money-!" broke in Sokka, turning to Ty Lee in an effort to appease the furious girl.

Her eyes glared murderously at him.  _"YOU PIG!"_  she shouted, and he quickly realized his error and backtracked.

"Young people, please—" tried Iroh again in futility.

"No, wait, I mean, that came out wrong! I don't care about the money! It's about you, baby, all about you! I don't even have the card anymore!" Sokka explained desperately, praying for at least a minor beating as opposed to a full-fledged assault from a runaway circus carnie in flaming-pink dancing pants.  _Oh the indignity_. At least Katara was still around to mend him.

As he backed away from the smirking princess, out-of-control prince, bored-but-no-doubt-amused-at-his-discomfort goth girl, and psycho gymnast ex-girlfriend, a part of his mind was kind enough to take the opportunity to remind him his beloved baby sister still hadn't emerged yet from the hot tub she was sharing with Aang.

They'd been in there for almost an hour. Together. Unsupervised.

And he'd completely forgotten about them.

_Noooooo!_

His pupils dilating, Sokka started hyperventilating and suddenly tore off across the suite in search of his sister and their airbending friend, the Fire Nation troops in hot pursuit.

 _Katara-Katara-Katara-…_  Sokka's mind mercifully kept the mental imagery to a minimum, but he was a young man and knew full-well what other young men thought about young women. Pretty young women. Pretty young women who even had threatening, vengeful, warriors for older brothers. Zuko, who was following him closely, no doubt had similar notions of brotherly overprotection, but his attentions seemed to be directed more at his financial security than his family.

 _My one mission from Dad, and I may have failed!_  Sokka wailed at himself internally, feeling sick at the thought. His mind ran wild. Well, actually, two missions: his dad had also said something about keeping Katara "off the pole", but being a young boy, Sokka hadn't understood that one, and they lived at the South Pole, and visited the North Pole, so what did his dad mean?

Spying the door wasn't entirely closed, his heart leapt up to his throat with naïve ardour.  _Maybe I'm completely overreacting! Maybe she's really just healing him and they're practicing waterbending! Maybe they're pledging mutual abstinence vows which they'll keep until they're in their 40s! Oh, I like that one! Come oooon, abstinence vows! Brotherly instincts don't fail me now!_

Throwing open the door in hope, he felt his entire, deluded fantasy world crumple at the sight of Aang sprawled across his pure, virgin, baby sister, his head between her breasts, and her hands around his sides.

Upon spotting him, the Avatar smiled blissfully before nuzzling down again, resigned to his violent fate. "Love you, Katara," he sighed happily and dozed off.

" _AGNI KAI, AIR NOMAD!_  I'm about to make you extinct!" shouted the watertribesman in blind rage.

Still laid out on the cold tile floor, Katara covered her eyes with her hand and groaned. "You're not even a bender, Sokka, let alone Fire Nation…" she started in exasperation.

" _I am now! I can feel it!_ " His eyes were huge, veins bulging in his neck and forehead as he tried to summon fire in his hands. "Almost there!" he called. "Get ready!"

"What do you feel?" demanded Zuko, coming up behind him and putting an arm on his shoulder to get past him, as Katara mumbled a frustrated,  _"Oh for the love of…."_  under her breath. From her vantage point on the floor, she thought Sokka looked rather constipated, honestly.

"Oh my god, Sokka, you're into guys, too!?" gasped Ty Lee as she reached them, eyeing both Sokka and Zuko in shock… and dawning appreciation.

Both boys paused temporarily to look back at Ty Lee. Their dispute was momentarily pushed side by their mutual apprehension in light of her decidedly unsettling grin.

Azula and Mei stopped short at the doorway, and looked at each other as the boys made negatives gestures with their hands and shook their heads vehemently, trying to find a way out of the misunderstanding. But Ty Lee would have none of it.

"Oh look! A hot tub!" she exclaimed, clapping happily and grabbing both boys with surprising strength, dragging them in against their protestations. "It's raining men! Hallelujah, it's raining men!" she sang out cheerfully, relishing in the bubbles.

"Well, well," declared Mei, leaning on the doorjamb, "looks like things just got interesting…"

Azula smirked.

TBC

/end Kataang epilogue, Part 02.

/AN: More fluff a-coming! ;) Please tell me whether I'm on the right track here - I had so few reviews last time, I got worried I'd really offended you guys!

* * *

____**Chapter 13: Chapter 8: Kataang epilogue conclusion** _ _ _ _

* * *

" **The Gift Horse"**

**AN: All materials are copyright their original creators.**

The cast of Avatar receive gifts from their creators in recognition of all their hard work in Season 2. Toph is first in line.

Chapter 08 Summary: Mushy-mushy in this chap, so ready the Knights Who Say 'Squee'!

**AN: If you're only here for the Kataang, this will be the last chap you read of my first fanfic, "The Gift Horse" – I really hope you enjoyed the ride! Take care, and see you next time, Space Cowboys! Zutara ending commences next chapter – I'll do my best to live up to expectations (it'll _really_  help me out if you please aim low)!**

Chapter 08: Kataang epilogue part 03!

LIVING ROOM OF TOPH AND SOKKA'S SUITE

As Iroh sat back in his chair with Xiao Xiao snoring softly at his feet, he looked around the trashed room and chuckled (and winced slightly) at the devastation. Yep, he would be leaving a considerable tip in the morning. The staff had definitely earned that much. After he'd separated the teens in the hot tub (sending the girls to their own suite down the hall, and settling the boys in their rooms in the current suite), the former general had bade their attendant goodnight, pitying the exhausted man. On his way out, the attendant had given Iroh an envelope that had at one point sat by a lamp on a table in the entranceway. He explained it had arrived earlier that night with the decorations, but had been forgotten in the subsequent melee.

Iroh had thanked him and sent him on his way, stroking his beard, deep in thought.

He still had some time before he next checked on Aang and Katara (though he doubted he really needed to – they were sleeping like bricks and likely wouldn't stir until breakfast), and opened the letter. It had been addressed to 'The Cast Of Avatar', he noted, and his suspicions on the senders' identities were confirmed as he read it.

 _Dear Friends_ , it began,

_Happy hiatus! We hope you enjoyed your gifts, we put a lot of thought into them this year. Especially yours, Katara! snicker_

Iroh raised an eyebrow in amusement and mild reproach, but kept reading.

_We thought each of you should have something external to focus on (outside of work, specifically), since soon you'll be back to the grind. We also thought you'd like some time to get to know each other without having a reason to fight, since so many of you are new to the cast this time around. That was the intention, anyway – I'm sure some of you managed to find something to argue about, in spite of our best efforts. sigh_

Iroh sighed deeply, too, and nodded in sympathy – sometimes no matter what one did, one couldn't make everyone happy. He returned to the last of the message. He commended the creators for trying to stick to their best intentions, though.

_But seriously, have a great break and spend some time together relaxing, as friends. Season Three is going to be a race against time, and we're gonna need you to all stick together. Hopefully you were able to share your gifts with each other to become closer – that camaraderie will be invaluable. We'll give you more action, drama, and trauma than you can shake a stick at in the coming weeks, so get along while you can!_

_Take care and enjoy what's left of your break,_

_Your masters and commanders,_

_M & B_

_PS: Katara, we SO pwned your ass! TWICE! Haha! We're so hilarious! By the way, who do you think we're gonna throw you in a cave with next? XD_

Iroh groaned and memorized the letter before promptly burning it for fear of Katara's potentially flaming vengeance upon reading it in the morning. He'd fill everyone in when they woke up, but it was probably best, in this specific case, to err on the side of caution and eliminate the evidence…

Iroh glanced at the time and decided he had a few minutes left, and reflected on the boxes and decorations about the room, before his eyes finally settled on Xiao Xiao's slumbering form at his feet. So  _the gifts were meant to bring them closer together, eh?_  He smiled, deciding not to look this particular gift horse in the mouth. They had brought some grief with them, sure, but also far more benefits than he could ever consider looking down upon. In fact, when he really thought about it, starting with Toph's gift, it had been more of a Trojan horse that had infiltrated the group… but instead of people hiding inside to break into an enemy's stronghold, it had been used to sneak everyone out of an unremarkable, everyday afternoon in the studio parking lot, and into an entire day's worth of (mostly harmless) adventure together before finally ending up at a room party at a hotel. Iroh shook his head in disbelief. M & B had really done it – they'd given them what they'd needed most – a chance to just act like kids for a day. Goofing around, arguing, flirting… just being teenagers (or almost-teenagers, in the case of Aang and Toph, but really, who was counting?). Spirits, even his nephew had ended up in the hot tub, coerced as it was. But, it was all normal. Hanging out, eating and drinking, teasing, fun, normal teenager-stuff.

Smiling, Iroh hoisted himself begrudgingly out of his chair and went to check one last time on Aang and Katara. Not that he expected they'd moved, they'd been dead-tired when he left them earlier, but for propriety's sake, it was best he keep his word. He patted Xiao Xiao on the head and nudged him away, creeping out of the dark room to the suite next door.

As he'd expected, the two young benders were fast asleep. The only change in their positions he could see was that, from their rooms on opposite sides of the hall, they each faced automatically towards the door in their sleep, unconsciously reaching out for the other.

Iroh chuckled softly. Well, Zuko may not give him his own grandkids, but the old gentleman was sure that with time, lots of time, and patience, someday he'd see lots of new family around him. He considered all his charges his family, anyway, and he could wait and enjoy them all growing up for a little while yet, very happily.

He padded away silently to return to the first suite, smiling.

* * *

____(EARLIER THAT NIGHT)_ _ _ _

"Ugh,  _finally_ ," muttered Katara as she heaved Aang's slight, slumbering body onto the massive bed in the master bedroom of his suite. It had taken the last of her strength, but she'd managed to get him up onto the imposing, impressive, incredibly comfortable-looking mattress. He wasn't heavy, but she was tired from doing the walking for both of them for the past little while.

In the chaos that had ensued in the bathroom, she had managed to disentangle herself from Aang and drag him into the living room, waterbending the moisture from them and the clothes she had snagged on her way out. They hadn't been there long before Toph had waved at her and explained the appearance of the other girls, then headed off to bed, declaring her day finished. Her fruity masterpiece, a miniature replica of Sokka fighting a platypus bear (and, predictably, losing), adorned the coffee table. It was quite lifelike, really, when one took the time to really study it. Not that Katara did – she was just desperate for a good night's sleep at this point.

Collapsing in a comfortable chair, the waterbender had closed her eyes and tried to figure out where to put Aang, and where she herself would sleep that night. She didn't want to stay in the current suite with all the commotion erupting from the bathroom (and boy, did those Fire Nation girls know how to have a good time, by the sounds of things!), but wasn't sure it was appropriate she go to the next suite with Aang, either. Groaning, she let her head fall back against the seat, temporarily defeated by her good upbringing. It was one thing when there were no room divisions and you were all lying out on the ground, traveling. But in a hotel…

 _Argh!_ She had felt like tearing out her hair. _  
_

Iroh, sensing her distress and immediately sussing out her dilemma, had spoken up from beside her.

"Miss Katara, please, you'll be fine to sleep in the next room. Aang is obviously out cold for the night from the day's activities," he indicated the limp monk drooling on the floor, "and I'll come in from time to time through the night to check on things and ensure you can sleep with a clear conscience. I'll reassure your brother in the morning. Please, poor child, get some rest." He had smiled paternally at her and patted her arm.

"You really mean it?" She'd been almost too hopeful to believe it.

"Of course! That's what Great Uncles do!"

"Thank you so much, General Iroh!" She had bowed deeply to him from her chair.

"Call me Uncle Iroh, Katara, please. We're like family!"

"You're such a great uncle, thank you again."

Gratefully acknowledging his offer, together they had moved Aang next door. It had been quite easy with the older gentleman's help, and she committed herself to being helpful to him in the future in recompense. Something about what he'd said had loosened some niggling thought in her mind, though, but she couldn't pin it down... Something about 'family' and 'great uncles'… Oh well, she'd probably remember it in the morning…

He had lit a lamp for them as they arrived at the master bedroom, bade them goodnight, and smiled as she thanked him, closing the door as he left.

In the dim, quiet room, Katara finally started to feel peaceful.

She stretched her back a bit, trying to decide whether it was worth moving to the next room to sleep, or whether she should just collapse on the floor. She was so tired… she quickly put the rest of her clothes on, and decided to dress Aang back up, too, so he wouldn't startle when he woke in the morning.

Yawning, she got his pants on him and picked up his tunic, only to see a thick envelope fall out from one of the interior pockets. It spilled its contents out over the bed. Rubbing her eyes in the dim light, she grumbled, pulled Aang's shirt over him, and drew the covers up to his chin before going back to tidy up the envelope's mess.

Hoping they weren't in any kind of order, she shuffled the papers in the envelope, and started putting away the ones that had fallen out. Pictures, she realized, upon closer inspection. Not papers, pictures, she noticed, perusing them. They were all pictures. Of…

Her eyebrows knit together.

Of _her._

 _But, how did…?_  Confused, she looked on with interest.

Bending under waterfalls in the moonlight. Grinning enthusiastically as she flew on Appa's back. Angry, but determined as she fought Zuko. Smiling wickedly as she teased Sokka. Beaming with pride as she congratulated Aang on mastering a new waterbending move. They went on and on.

She continued flipping through them, amazed and shocked and flattered, embarrassed at some of the less-than-flattering shots of her mistakes, but realizing how strong someone's feelings, and sense of protection for their friendship, must be for them to keep so much secret. And also, how important she must be to someone for that person to treasure all her moments so much they'd keep them so close to their heart.

Rubbing the wetness from her cheeks and eyes, Katara carefully tucked everything back into the paper sleeve and placed it on the bedside table so Aang would see it when he woke up. She'd explain in the morning, of course, that she hadn't been snooping, it had been an accident.

But what a happy accident, indeed!

She was nearly trembling with the lightness of spirit that filled her, as if she could fly away to the moon and stars and heavens at any time, soaring above clouds and cities and mountains, ebullient and invincible. Tomorrow, she would greet the sunrise with a happy spirit – and share it with the person she loved.

But she had to get some rest first, she reasoned and nearly grumbled in frustration that it wasn't morning yet.

 _A little eager, aren't we?_  her mind teased, and she nearly giggled out loud.

Katara leaned over and kissed Aang lightly before giving him a gentle touch on the cheek. Smiling, and trying hard to keep her voice from breaking and waking him up, she softly whispered, "I love you, too, Aang," in his ear before convening to her own room across the hall, putting out the lamp on her way out.

In his sleep, Aang sighed in happiness and gave a faint smile. This was definitely the best day ever…

* * *

____THE NEXT MORNING, CHECKING OUT_ _ _ _

_Snippets overheard by the staff as their most destructive guests EVER left the building:_

"—but you really  _did_  clean up Appa and Momo, right? Like I'm not gonna go back and find out you just left them there to sit in their own filth all night, right, Sokka?"

(and)

"—I never knew a person could MOVE like that, especially underwater! Did you see the way he—"

"Ty Lee, enough, please. It's bad enough you can do it, I don't want to hear about what my  _brother_  can do, ok? And I was  _there_ …"

(and)

"Why do you have a hickey on your neck?"

"I don't want to talk about it, Avatar."

(and)

"Sokka, do you have a hickey on your neck, too?"

"I REALLY DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT."

(and)

"I think Sana would be a nice girl's name, don't you, Katara?"

"Sure, I guess so, Uncle Iroh. Do you have family who are expecting?"

"In a manner of speaking..."

(and)

"As long as the fangirls are loyal to me, I don't care what they do to me in fanfic. But that hottub scene is ABSOLUTELY OFF-LIMITS!"

(and)

"So how did you afford such a ritzy place for the night, Toph?"

"Oh, I just used my (whispered) Ultra-Platinum Super-Debit Infinite card (end whisper). "

"How did I  _not know_  you had one of those!? How did you get one? Why do you have one?"

"I AM Bei Fong, you know, of course I have one! Oh, and I usually use it to sort my M & Ms by colour."

"… Ok, now I KNOW you're lying. Why do you hate me so much?…"

(and)

"—and it was so funny, once we got those blindfolds out! I mean, they totally thought they were doing it to one of  _us_ , you should have seen them!"

(and)

"…Zuko's right, his sister and her friends really  _are_  evil."

"But you got the pictures of them in the hottub, right?"

"Oh yeah! This is enough blackmail to keep Angry Lad and Meatbag off your case at least until you're married. Possibly even until  _they're_  married, and you KNOW that'll be a while…"

"Thanks, Toph, we owe ya one."

"I'll cash in sooner or later, don't worry. Besides, this shot right here was-"

"THAT'S OK! I'll take your word for it!"

(and)

"Uncle, I need to procure several items before we return home."

"Of course, Nephew, what do you need?"

"A sweeper and a cleaner."

"A domestic crew?"

"No, Uncle. A different kind of 'sweeper' and 'cleaner'…"

(and)

"This one'll be great in the family newsletter we send out next Christmas, thanks."

"You're more than welcome, your highness Azula. That'll be deposited in my account, when?"

"Consider it done, earthbender. Along with the extra privileges to your card."

"Excellent."

"So, I'll take two copies of this one, and another half-dozen of these shots here, and-"

"Mei, I knew you liked Zuko, but Sokka?"

"Well, when it's Zuko  _and_  Sokka… and that pose is pretty…  _thrilling_ , wouldn't you say?"

(and)

"So, wanna go waterbending sometime? I know of a nice beach in the next town over, and we can take Appa and go at night. It'll be really…"

"I'd love to."

"Wanna bring a picnic?"

"I'd love to."

"Wanna-"

"I'd love to."

"Katara, you didn't let me finish-mph!"

-pause

"Wow."

"Wanna do it again?"

"YES."

-pause

"OH MY GOD, KATARA, AANG, STOP THAT RIGHT NOW! EYE-BLEACH!  _EYE-BLEACH!_  MEDIC! I NEED HEART MEDS, TOO! STAT!"

"Oh shut up, Meatbag…"

(and)

"You know, we need to get them back for this. We can't let them get away with doing that to us. I'm worried I heard the sound of a camera at one point, too."

"… oh yeah. Of course. It was awful. Really."

-pause

"What?"

"Please object to it with more conviction than  _that_. Dude."

-pause

-crickets chirping

"Ok. But, I mean, in other circumstances, would you consider—"

"NO."

(and finally, two young people, in quiet tones just before they boarded their ride home)

"Love you."

"I love you, too."

La Fin.

/end Kataang epilogue, Part 03.

/AN: Soooo… for my first fic, how was it?  
/AN: Zutara epilogue next.

* * *

____**Chapter 14: Chapter 09: Zutara epilogue, Part 01** _ _ _ _

* * *

" **The Gift Horse"**

**AN: All materials are copyright their original creators.**

The cast of Avatar receive gifts from their creators in recognition of all their hard work in Season 2. Toph is first in line. (Mind you, that line may also be interpreted as being in front of a firing squad…)

Chapter 09 Summary: Part 01 of the Zutara ending! Some parts of this epilogue may mirror the previous epilogue, be advised!

AN: Apologies for the OOC-ness! (Please read the end notes for explanation)

* * *

____Chapter 09: Zutara epilogue part 01!_ _ _ _

 

BATHROOM OF TOPH AND SOKKA'S SUITE

They stood around the vast hot tub located in far corner the bathroom, eyeing it with equal parts anticipation and dread. Anticipation because of how inviting and relaxing it looked; Dread, because-

" _I'm_  getting healed first,  _I'm_  the most hurt."

"Royalty takes precedence over commoners, water peasant."

"First come, first served!"

"Advanced before delayed!"

"Don't  _Avatars_  get any special privileges?"

" _NO!"_  yelled Sokka and Zuko in unison as they turned angrily to Aang.

 _Wow, they actually agreed on something_ , thought Katara sarcastically, arms crossed in front of her chest as she watched the bickering idiots in front of her.

They were pitted toe-to-toe with each other, growling like dogs over a bone. The only real dog in the suite was nestled at Iroh's feet in the living room, asleep or unconscious from the smelly soles, she wasn't sure which. She envied the puppy, though, regardless.

The shouting resumed. Shaking her head and ignoring the boys, Katara peeled off her outer clothes and slid into the warm water in her usual water-bending attire, luxuriating in the way the water pooled and flowed around her. Closing her eyes, she gave a groan of pleasure, relaxing as the jets massaged her back and legs. She didn't pay the boys' quarrels any mind for a few minutes, as she tilted her head under the water and quickly threw it back to shake the tension from her neck. Yep, this kind of luxury she could get used to. She sighed and rested with her head against the molded ledge, letting the jets work their magic. Not quite in June's league, but the addition of her element evened the odds considerably…

 _Ahhh, bliss…_ she sighed internally. _Oh, were the boys quieting down?_  She opened one eye and peered out cautiously.

Zuko and Aang were staring at her, and Sokka's glance was switching furtively back and forth between the two male benders. Zuko's face was impassive, but as she shook her wet hair out a bit, she noticed his jaw clench and his eyes look away. Aang's mouth was open and he was  _staring_. At the hair-flip, he swallowed obviously.

Sokka's eyes blazed as basic arithmetic skills flew into action: The boy was finally putting two and two together. As he started opening his mouth (and no doubt raising his foot to plug it with), Katara blinked and rolled over, letting her arms hang over the side of the tub.

"You guys decided who's first yet?" she asked.

And a light turned on in Zuko's mind.  _HINT!_  It screamed at him.

The firebender's noble upbringing rose to the forefront and he stepped aside, indicating the tub with his arm. "Aang, you're the Avatar; Sokka, you're more injured. I order both of you to pass before I do. It is the least I can do to thank you for extending such hospitality to Uncle and me." With that, he moved to stand at the door, waiting for the others to be healed before him.

Sokka's head swung around so quickly to stare at the prince, he nearly got whiplash. There was something funny about this… He looked at Aang for confirmation, but the air monk raised his hands and shrugged in an  _"I d'know?"_  fashion before he hopped into the tub, leaving Sokka to glare at Zuko suspiciously.

Zuko hid a smile easily as Katara went to work on Aang and Sokka tossed away his clothes, claiming he was definitely second. With the other two healed, the prince would surely have Katara to himself for a bit.  _Now where was that costume?_  He was sure those sea shells were around there somewhere.  _Perhaps in the other suite?_  Slipping out the door unnoticed, the prince went in search of marvelous treasure.

"OK, Sokka. I'll be done with Aang in a few minutes, just keep your hair on," said the waterbender patiently, glowing hands moving over the Avatar's scrapes and bruises. She was healing him as fast as she could – he looked like he was going to fall asleep at any moment. And did he really think she couldn't see him swallowing his yawns?  _Oh man, the poor kid. He'd tried so hard today, but it was just way past his bedtime._

"Ok, there we go! Let me know if you need anything in the morn—oops," she finished softly and covering her mouth with her hand upon seeing Aang's face the picture of slumber. She smiled.  _Still such a kid,_ she thought. "Sokka, come help me with Aang," she called to her brother quietly, water-bending the monk over the ledge to stronger arms.

Sokka obliged, grumbling a bit as he and Katara quickly dried Aang off & turned him over to a spare guest room off the hall in the suite's sleeping quarters for the night. "It's too far to put him all the way back in his own suite," complained Sokka as he tossed Aang down on the bed. "Let him sleep here with the rest of us – who knows, maybe Toph'll pay him a sneak visit!" he jibed sarcastically.

Katara rolled her eyes and shut the door just as Toph walked by and smacked Sokka on the back of the head. "I heard that!" she said caustically. "And for your information, the time of day is irrelevant to me – I'm blind 24-7, smarty-pants! It doesn't matter when I go sneak in to see him! Hmph!"

Stalking away she muttered something obscene about Sokka's lack of sensitivity in delicate matters before slamming shut the door to her room further down the hall. Or, at least what she believed was her room. As the echoes of the crash died away, Katara and Sokka looked at each other before deciding to intrude again.

"No, that wasn't what we—" started Sokka.

"Uh, Toph?..." called Katara carefully into the silence as she raised a tentative hand forward. "That's not…"

Without a word, Toph wrenched open the door, stomped out into the hall, turned, and entered the next bedroom to the left, again slamming the door behind her in an angry crash.

The watertribe siblings stood there another moment, waiting.

Opening her door a crack, Toph poked her head out. "And just for the record, I  _meant_  to go into the wrong room first," she spat angrily, before retreating quickly back and slamming the door a third and final time. The vibrations reverberated down the hall and a picture fell off the wall to the carpeted floor in a soft thump.

"As long as we're all clear on that, oh delicate one," said Sokka dryly into the quiet after a brief pause. He picked up the picture to replace it on the wall. "Ooh, I see they use reinforced frames for their artwork in this hotel. They must get a lot of earthbenders."

Beside him, his sister looked between the two doors. "Sokka, Toph wouldn't really go see Aang and do anything inappropriate, would she?" she asked him with a tinge of worry. "I know she jokes around and everything, but we don't want to have to explain anything later to anyone… I mean, she isn't going to haze him in his sleep, right?"

"Nah, everything'll be fine, my instincts are one hundred percent sure on this! Now, back to the heal-o-tub! It's time to fix your beloved older brother, Katara. Move along," he nudged his sister while she kept glancing back at the doors to her friends' rooms.

"Sokka, I just think we should—"

"Katara, it'll be fine! Just make with the healing when we get to the jacuzzi. We'll set up watch over those two once I'm done, ok? I bet even Iroh'll help, no worries!"

Katara nodded, but couldn't shake the feeling that  _something_  else was going to happen before their night was over.

"Yeah, ok. Thanks, Sokka's Instincts," she joked, following her brother back down the hall to the bathroom. Sokka's "Hey!" was muffled by Katara's laughter as they drifted out of earshot.

From behind a pillar, Zuko smirked and went searching for his Uncle. Of course his beloved Uncle would  _love_  to help … In any way he could. "Yes, thanks, Sokka's Instincts," he said softly. He nearly tripped over the bag he'd dropped at his feet. "Oops, gotta be careful with these." He grinned briefly as he bent to pick up the sack with the sea shell impressions pressing out the side.  _He wasn't a stalker. He was just… very involved in his appreciation. Yeah. That's it._

 _You're a stalker, and you're creepy_ , stated his internal, mental voice.

 _Shut up and help me figure out a way to get her back into this_ , he argued back.

 _Ugh!_  His mental voice threw up its mental arms in mental disgust. Zuko almost smirked at winning the battle with his internal voice, before he realized he was just winning an argument with himself.

"Damnit!" growled the bender, both out loud and mentally.

Yep, Zuko was very mental.

* * *

____JUST OUTSIDE THE BATHROOM_ _ _ _

 

"So you  _promise_  to supervise them while I'm 'babysitting' the bender-tots?" newly-healed Sokka-and-his-Instincts asked Iroh in a patronizing, wary tone. Iroh smiled & nodded, giving the young warrior a reassuring pat on the back as they walked from the bathroom across the suite to where the sleeping quarters branched off.

"You see to yourself, I'll see to my nephew and your lovely sister. Now go, and try to get some rest! I'll check on everyone in rounds. There's nothing that escapes my eyes undetected.  _Trust me_ ," added the old man knowingly.

With a final nod to reassure himself, Sokka left his baby sister to the old general's protection as she finished healing the prince. He hadn't liked leaving  _that_  particular situation, but Katara had become pretty upset when he and Zuko had started fighting while she was trying to heal him. After the fourth attack between them, she'd frozen both of them to opposite sides of the hot tub and called Iroh in to mediate. They quickly acquiesced to all Iroh's suggestions, as they realized how much anger Katara had harnessed if she'd managed to  **freeze**  them in a  **hot**  tub.

Zuko was still trying to thaw himself out. It was slow going.

Katara's shoulders slumped a bit in relief as she sighed and glanced up at Iroh. He was still grinning and waving a bit at the doorway Sokka had exited through. "Thank you, General Iroh. I appreciate your help," she said respectfully. Adding, once her brother was out of earshot, "But why do I get the feeling you have ulterior motives?" She arched an eyebrow at him speculatively.

"How dare you talk to my uncle like that?" demanded Zuko, temporarily pausing from firebending at his ice bonds, but Iroh waved away the comments, unconcerned.

"Now, now, the young lady is quite perceptive, Prince Zuko. I will insist I do have everyone's best intentions at heart, though."

"With all due respect, sir – get to the point," Katara raised a water whip around herself defensively, eyeing her potential escape routes.

"I would like to ask a favour of you, Miss Katara…" said Iroh conspiratorially.

Katara eyed the wily old gentleman a moment before nodding, indicating she'd at least listen.

"Excellent!" exclaimed Iroh, pleased. "Now, it has to do with my arthritis. I'm getting on in years, you know, and these old joints aren't what they used to be…"

"Oh, so you mean you just want me to heal you?" asked Katara, her unease melting away. "General Iroh, why didn't you say so? I'd love to help you. Sure, as soon as I'm done with Zuko, I'll take a look. You didn't need to send Sokka away for that!" Katara laughed a bit at the old man's sense of propriety and embarrassment.

"Er, no, not quite," corrected Iroh, a bit bashful. "Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of, ah, physiotherapy."

Katara looked at him a moment. She didn't know physiotherapy. But… Her eyes grew wide.  _Oh no, please no…_

Ever the helpful man, he continued, completely ignoring the way she was shaking her hands at him to  _stop, please dear Gods, stop now_. "I believe you know a very good massage therapist. I've met her on several occasions, too. Quite the impressive young lady!"

_Nonononononononono—_

"Could I bother you for June's number, please?"

Katara stared at Iroh, jaw gaping open.  _Ohmygod the wrongness!_ she thought wildly, completely floored by the man's request _. No, very, very no!_ She stumbled over her words, trying to come up with a coherent answer. "I—it's just—what about – er—"

But Zuko got there first.

" _Damnit,_   _Uncle! From now on, I'm going to call you the Pervy Sage!_ "

* * *

____THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE TOPH AND SOKKA'S SUITE_ _ _ _

 

It had to be close to one in the morning.

Ozai stood looming outside the doors to the suite, glaring at the number on the solid wood panel.

_He had come for what was his._

_He had come for what belonged with him._

_He had come—_

"Just open the door. You're the Fire Lord. We don't need to ask permission," spoke up the peevish regal voice of the young woman behind him.

 _-because Azula had been a spoiled brat and thrown a tantrum when she'd found out she wasn't invited to the party._  And now he had to play Daddy-kins to the spawn of Satan and make the other kids play with her.

She'd just caught up with him, after arranging to have the occupants of another suite thrown out to make room for the Fire Nation royal family. Azula was good at impressing upon others to scram quickly, in their own best interests.

 _Well, maybe the 'spawn of Satan' part was wrong,_ he reconsidered charitably _. She was his daughter, after all—_

"I'm going to make them pay for not inviting me," she added to her two sidekicks, oozing confidence and charm with every word.

 _Nope, definitely demon-born_ , he conceded.

"Make Daddy proud, darling," he advised as he rapped smartly on the door. "And don't forget your mission, Azula."

"Of course not, Father.  _The Avatar_."

"That's daddy's little girl."

Azula bowed slightly to the Fire Lord just as the steward answered the door.

The exhausted attendant nearly wept as more trouble walked through the door into the suite. He was beginning to wonder if he was cursed…  _Spirits, why have you forsaken me? Was it so wrong of me to give up the cabbage-trade? Why am I surrounded by misfortune?_ The poor man asked them to wait in the parlour while he went to fetch the Dragon of the West.

 _Iroh,_ reminisced Ozai predatorily _, I'll make you pay for all those bloody rounds of Pai Sho you forced me to play with you when we were young…Man, I **hate**  that game._

His gloating was interrupted by the arrival of a small, toddling creature that had wandered into their mist. Obviously still half asleep, Xiao Xiao gave a wide yawn and wagged his tail a little at the new friends who'd come to play.

"Oooh, is that a puppy?" exclaimed the Fire Lord happily, completely forgetting his prerogatives of torture and the destruction of civilizations. He bent down to scratch the little one under the chin. "Who's a little cutie, huh? Who's Fire Daddy's little cutie?"

Azula looked on at her father in abject horror.

_WHAT THE HELL-!?_

TBC

* * *

____/end Zutara epilogue, Part 01._ _ _ _

 

/AN: Kudos if you got the "Naruto!" reference!

/AN: Yeah, I know, not as strong, eh? Seriously, what can I do to improve this?

AN: Honestly, I've had a bad two weeks. To me, this chap doesn't quite feel right, and I was sorely tempted to put it off until it did. But it's been a few weeks since I wrote the draft, and I figured you guys deserved at least something. So: If it really sucks, just say so in the comments and I'll take it down and hash over it another week or so. (Don't worry, you won't be hurting my feelings. I burned those pesky things out years ago!) My job's been killing me the past two weeks, so it's been hard to get into the 'writing groove', sorry!

* * *

____**Chapter 15: Chapter 09: Zutara epilogue, Part 02** _ _ _ _

* * *

" **The Gift Horse"**

**AN: All materials are copyright their original creators.**

The cast of Avatar receive gifts from their creators in recognition of all their hard work in Season 2. Toph is first in line. (Mind you, that line may also be interpreted as being in front of a firing squad…)

Chapter 09 Summary: Part 02 of the Zutara ending! So what are the Fire Nation girls planning? Is Ozai good or evil in this? How about Iroh? And Zuko and Katara are unsupervised in the hot tub. Hot damn, it's party time!

AN: Apologies for the OOC-ness!

* * *

____Chapter 09: Zutara epilogue part 02!_ _ _ _

 

SOKKA'S ROOM

The watertribe warrior stretched out on his bed with his hands behind his head, and took a deep, relaxing breath.

Yep, he'd definitely made sure the bender-tots wouldn't be making covert rendez-vous under the guise of night. He smiled at his ingenious plan before drifting off to sleep.  _They'll never break out of this one…_

* * *

 

TOPH'S ROOM

With her ear to the door (and her feet there, too), Toph waited until she heard Sokka close his own door and flop down onto his bed. Within minutes, she recognized his familiar snores floating down the hall.

Grinning, she turned the door handle to "peek" out into the corridor—but found the door itself wouldn't budge.

Perplexed, she tried again, tugging harder. It gave, but barely. Planting her feet, she yanked mightily at it, to no avail. "Stupid door," she mumbled. She was trapped in her room somehow. No amount of earthbending seemed to loosen things, either.

 _What did he do to my door?!_  She raged silently, breathing hard as she gave the wooden panels a good kick in frustration.  _He'll pay for this._

Fuming, Toph sat down at the foot of the door and glared unseeing at it. She had to find a way out…

In the hallway outside her room, a tense length of extra-fortified whale-cat-gut line thrummed, tied at one end to Toph's doorknob, and the other to Aang's.

Simple, but ingenious; it prevented both parties from leaving their rooms unassisted.

In his sleep, Sokka smiled and blandly wondered if he should have tied bells to the rope, to alert him to any sabotage.  _Naaaah_ , he thought to himself as he yawned wide enough to park a Volkswagen in his mouth,  _who else would be in their suite?_

* * *

 

LIVING ROOM OF TOPH & SOKKA'S SUITE

Iroh stood patiently, silently observing the man across from him.

Ozai, cheerfully petting the puppy in his arms, looked back at his older sibling. Xiao Xiao wagged his tail a bit, happy for the attention. (The puppy wasn't sure where his master was, but he hoped he was getting such nice petting, too. It felt wonderful!)

Hostile silence roared through the suite. Iroh was almost sure he heard a pine needle drop off one of the decorations. Ozai kept running his warm hands over the puppy's soft coat, completely ignoring the awkwardness of the situation. (And there was a considerable amount, so that was quite a feat.)

The Fire Lord broke the tense, agonizing quiet first. Looking around, he asked of his older brother, "So, what are you up to tonight?"

Hands in his sleeves, Iroh paused a moment to reflect before answering.

"We funnin'," he replied sagely.

* * *

____IN THE HALLWAY TO THE SLEEPING QUARTERS OF TOPH & SOKKA'S SUITE_ _ _ _

 

"Well, well, well, what have we here?" mused Azula aloud, peering into Aang's room. "This is almost too easy." She motioned Ty Lee and Mei to grab the sleeping Avatar, wrapping him up in his own blankets to prevent him from bending or escaping in case he woke. The picture of efficiency, the girls accomplished the first part of their plan effortlessly. They were hurrying back to their own suite when Azula noticed the snores coming from an adjacent room.

Cat-quiet, she slowly nudged the next door further open with her foot, sweeping the room with an expert glance in a split-second. There. On a bed, just to the left, lay the watertribe warrior. Splayed out across the bed, boomerang in one hand, drool streaming out the side of his mouth, Sokka twitched in his sleep mumbling something about bender-tots and the importance of good whale-cat-gut.

A smile spread across the Fire Princess's features as her eyes narrowed.

 _Why not?_  She thought amorally to herself.

She bound and gagged the sleeping youth, tossed him over her shoulder, and joined Mei and Ty Lee in their suite

_Let the fun times roll…_

* * *

 

IN THE BATHROOM OF TOPH & SOKKA'S SUITE

"Do you think he forgot about us?" asked Katara from behind Zuko as she examined the biggest bruise on the Prince's side. The one that ran down below his bathing clothes.  _Stay objective, he's just a patient_ , she repeated to herself determinedly.

She still blushed.

_Damn hormones! ARGH! I'm supposed to **heal**  him, not  **ogle**  him. Stupid hot firebender._

She paused to reconsider her phrasing.

 _Wow, **that**  was redundant, _she admitted to herself.

She attempted to push aside her less-than-noble urges. And failed spectacularly.

 _Damn his sexy back, too_ , she thought appreciatively, biting her lower lip…

Zuko, arms folded across his chest, tried to ignore the very pretty young woman beside him. He thought he was doing quite well (mentally repeating Fire Nation military history – from several centuries prior - was excellent for keeping one's upper head in command), until she touched his side with her non-water-gloved hand and asked him, "Is it ok if I pull down your shorts?"

He whipped around quick enough that, had he had rotor blades instead of arms, he'd have taken flight like a helicopter. " _WHAT!?_ "

Realising the (horrifyingly embarrassing) ambiguity of her words, Katara blushed to the roots of her hair. To him, it was a very flattering look on her. But that was beside the point. She pointed to his ugly bruise. "I'll be able to heal it a bit better if I can see where it ends. That way I won't be poking around and finding the sore spots by prodding you," she explained.

 _Damned. He was utterly damned, to the special reserved section of Hell, where only the really QUALITY jerks like Zhao and those creepy pirates dwelled_ , he realized, as her words sunk in. You just don't say words like "poking" and "sore" and "can I pull down your shorts" to teenage boys. You just DON'T. Especially not unsupervised ones in hot tubs.

Zuko tried to come up with an answer, but couldn't bring himself to reply either way. He could feel a blush burning the back of his neck and ears. ( _Thank the Spirits she's looking down_ , he acknowledged gratefully.)

"Oh wow, the temperature of the jets just went up like ten degrees, didn't it?" exclaimed Katara, surprised. "That's crazy! I'm gonna go find the temperature controls. Be right back," the waterbender excused herself, leaving Zuko in the hot tub to focus his breathing and control himself. He had to find a way to temper the situation, or things were going to become incredibly awkward by morning.  _How could he fix things?..._

He racked his brain. And brightened.

… _Or at least… **even the odds?**_

A smirk crossed his features as he remembered the earlier evening's entertainment.

 _Time for an encore_ , he gloated to himself. With Katara on the other side of the tub looking for the controls, he nonchalantly reached down between some of the potted plants that were built up around the pool and brought out two shopping bags.

One had Katara's mermaid seashell costume inside.

The other was from  _L'Agent Provocateur_ …

* * *

____IN AZULA'S SUITE_ _ _ _

 

Haru came to slowly, eyesight still blurry from the near-concussion he'd suffered earlier that evening. He looked around the lavish suite and immediately saw another occupant. He tried to reach for him, but realized his hands and feet were bound. And he was gagged.

Eyes widening, he glanced in fear at the other young man, who was equally trussed.

"Are you ok? What's going on? We need to get out of here!" he tried to communicate to his comrade. He writhed and tugged at his bonds, trying to loosen them and free himself.

The shaggy-haired youth, somehow still able to chew a toothpick in spite of his gag, looked over Haru and snorted in derision.  _Right, like the crazy Fire Nation bitch would really be careless enough to tie them unsecurely…_  He shook his head at Haru's charming naïveté.

Jet leaned back and didn't need to wait long before their captors returned, more prey under their blood-red wings.

Tossing Sokka and the Avatar down by the other two young men, Ty Lee and Mei proceeded to a series of large, ornate trunks stationed in front of the bed: pulling some odd devices from one, Mei set up the auto-portrait equipment; Azula slapped Aang and Sokka awake; Ty Lee pulled out some sort of material from another crate, and approached the attentive captives, holding her possession up to the light for inspection.

"I think this is a good start," she called to her fellow male-herders, showing them her recently-retrieved treasure.

Mei nodded absently.

Azula smiled cruelly. "Good choice, Ty Lee. Make it so."

The young men twitched in apprehension, then full-blown fear, as Ty Lee approached them with the garment.

"Now who's going to wear the ass-less leather chaps first?" she asked cheerfully.

 _Ass-less chaps?_  thought Sokka, incredulous.

 _Leather?_  thought Aang, nauseated.

 _First?_  thought Haru weakly, before he fainted to the floor. The first two eyed him jealously, and from behind their gags screamed  _"Selfish jerk!"_  at his unmoving form.

However—

 _I **knew**  this was gonna be a good night!_ Jet practically  _thrummed_  with anticipation, eyes gleaming.  _Break out the tickle-trunks!_

* * *

 

TBC

/end Zutara epilogue, Part 02.

/AN: Build up, build up, build up! Hope you're enjoying it! And yeah, all hell's gonna break loose next chap… Let the games begin!

* * *

____**Chapter 16: Chapter 09: Zutara epilogue, Part 03** _ _ _ _

* * *

" **The Gift Horse"**

**AN: All materials are copyright their original creators.**

Chapter 09 Summary: Part 03 of the Zutara ending! Confession! And Iroh and Ozai battle it out for "Fire Daddy of the Year".

AN: This chap was far too long – expect part 04 to be posted soon. It just makes this chapter more approachable in length. Otherwise this thing would've been close to 20-25 pages in Word. And 14 is so much more pleasant than 25. (At least in what you can tolerate of my crackdom!)

* * *

____Chapter 09: Zutara epilogue part 03!_ _ _ _

 

TOPH'S ROOM

Poking her foot carefully outside her door, Toph listened for any more unusual disturbances.

"Weiiiird," she said to herself into the quiet hallway. It seemed to her that there'd been some kind of action going on a little while ago (she'd dozed off in front of the door), but she hadn't been able to tell exactly what. Someone had released her from her unlawful confinement, however, and that was a good enough start for her.

"Now where'd everybody go…?"

She set off in the direction the last vibrations had come from…

* * *

____THE LIVING ROOM OF TOPH & SOKKA'S SUITE_ _ _ _

 

They sat across from each other stiffly, glaring at one another. Once in a while, they'd each reach forward and take a drink from their rock glasses. Tea, with a hint of gin, was doing a great deal to bridge the gulf of non-communication between the separated brothers.

"Now, I'm telling you, just tell me where Zuko is and we'll be on our way. He's been getting in the way of my retrieving the Avatar, and I want him to STOP. He should start listening to his father," intoned the Fire Lord, only slightly drunk. He leaned a bit too far to one side, and swung back upright again to glare at Iroh.

Iroh gazed back. His eyes were only slightly glassy. "I think you should leave, Ozai. You're no father to that boy, and he doesn't need you here to upset him." He sipped his gin-ginseng tea, eyes level with his younger brother's.

Xiao Xiao snoozed on the floor under the table, between the two men. Neither noticed when Toph walked through the room and headed out the door of the suite, calling a "Later!" out to no one in particular.

Both men continued staring at each other.

"This isn't getting us anywhere," commented Ozai.

"The path least trodden is certainly the road to redemption. Oh look, the way to the exit from the suite—and it's been barely used tonight! Go forth, Ozai, and head towards the light!"

"Zuko first."

"No. He's a good boy, and deserves his peace."

"Peace? With you? How do I know you're not corrupting him? Do you think I'm ignorant of your old ways, Iroh?" countered Ozai, fist tightening around his cup. "Do you think you're a better 'father' to Zuko than I, his sire?"

"I think Appa and Momo would be better fathers than you," retorted Iroh with a hint of a smile.

"A paw and who?!" demanded Ozai, becoming irate. He leaned forward, and his tone took on a menacing edge. "Listen, Iroh – I admit, it was a very… harmful decision, when I banished Zuko. And I appreciate what you've done for him, I do. But he's my son and he's coming back with me, and he's going to learn how to behave and obey and get me that damn Avatar! You are not his father, and you don't dictate his life!"

"I'm more father than you'll ever be," said Iroh quietly, but deliberately. "And you have no jurisdiction to carve his, or anyone else's, life."

The air was still, and stifling from the heat off the two semi-drunk, authoritative firebenders. There wasn't a sound in the room beyond Xiao Xiao's soft snores. Both men stared at each other in hatred and jealousy – one for what had been his and lost, and the other for what he would never have - and both leaned forward tightly to hear what the other had to say next.

After a few moments, Ozai let out a long, low breath. His eyes narrowed at his older brother's. "Why don't we go ask Zuko who he looks up to?"

Iroh sat quietly for a moment before nodding. "Yes, let's do that." He stood and moved towards the hallway that led to the bathroom, leaving his cup on the short coffee table. He turned when he noticed Ozai wasn't with him.

"Ozai, what are you -?" He stopped and his face darkened. "Ozai! You put that puppy down! Unfair advantages are dishonourable!"

* * *

____IN AZULA'S SUITE_ _ _ _

 

Ty Lee and Mei had frozen in time a number of compromising images of the men they'd corralled, and Azula was growing tired of the game. They needed something more, something that would truly make her father proud…

There was a quick knock at the door before it flew open and slammed against the opposite wall. Toph strolled in and 'looked' around, taking in her surroundings. Ozai's Angels were quick to react, and formed a line to face the new arrival, weapons ready. Toph realized there were at least 7 people other than herself in the room.  _But what was going on?... It seems like there're clothes and props everywhere… and what's still in the trunks that are piled up over there?..._

Her musings were interrupted by her friends' pleas.

"TOPH!" cried Sokka in relief, wrists and feet still bound, "thank goodness you're here! Hurry, set Aang and me free!" He started wriggling closer to her from his position on the floor.

One of Toph's eyebrows shot up.  _Meatbag's trapped?_

"Please, Toph! We need to get out of here!" added Aang, desperate.  _He sounds like he's in a bad state,_  she noted with concern.

 _Wait- Aang, too? And there are two other guys here, too – but one seems to be unconscious. What in all the Earth Kingdom's been going on?!_ She let her feet do the detective work: bondage, male captives, crazy women in control, photographic equipment…She continued her inventory as quickly as possible, while still tracking Azula and her colleagues.  _Is this even legal-?!_

Her attention whipped around to Azula who stood just to her left. "Think you can stop us, Earthbender?" she asked smugly, taking a fighting stance. Ty Lee and Mei followed suit.

Everyone waited for the confrontation to explode.

After a moment of reflection on the situation, Toph shook her head 'no'.

And smiled.

"Oh, heavens no," she said sweetly, cracking her knuckles and turning towards Sokka's hopeful face. "I'd much rather join in."

"Toph…" said Sokka in warning tones, a bit uneasy. He wiggled with noticeably less haste. The tables had turned and now he was the one bound while she was free.

"This is SO going down on my LiveJournal later!" piped up Jet with glee.

"Sokka…" said Aang worriedly, eyes shifting between the girls in front of him, "this doesn't sound good…"

"Hi, my name's Toph Bei Fong. How do you do?" the earthbending master stuck a hand out towards Azula.

"Azula, Fire Lord-to-be. A pleasure, and for you as well, I'm sure," replied Azula confidently, shaking Toph's hand.

"Oh, it will be," added the earthbender cheerfully, with a tinge of malice in her tone.

Sokka was getting a very bad feeling about this.

"Uh, Toph, any time now! We're ready to just  _spring_  into action and follow you out!" tried the watertribesman again. He felt his heartbeat hammer slightly faster at the pact made between his friend and his enemy. "Toph, come on… Quit joking around. Help. Help us." He felt his voice getting quieter…

Toph ignored him and instead paid rapt attention to Azula's latest diatribe. "…As you can see, Sokka's sporting the leather-corset and purple tutu-look Mei designed, and Aang's a vision in rose through Ty Lee's careful considerations… Note the detail in the stitching—a true indicator of quality workmanship."

"Toph? Toph, this isn't funny. If we want this friendship to work, we need to help each other… You know, earlier, I only did what I had to in order to preserve each person's privacy. It wasn't meant to confine you. I wasn't trying to be like your crack-job know that, right? Right, Toph?"

"You're such a wuss," spoke up Jet calmly from his position on the coffee table. Sokka's wide eyes turned to Jet in barely-controlled hysterics, "NOT  _HELPING_ , JET!"

"I'm sure it is," commented Toph smoothly to Azula as she fingered the stitching on a different garment. They paid their captives no mind. She listened to the rest of the Angels' devious plans. She found them somewhat…  _lacking_ , however. "I think you're missing something, though," she admitted finally.

"It's missing our  _freedom_ , that's what it's missing! Now do your part for the Aang Gang and take these bitches out! Come on, Toph! This corset chafes in unmentionable places!"

"Noob," muttered Jet under his breath.

" _SHUT UP, JET!_ "

"Sokka, I'm scared…"

Azula looked at Toph shrewdly. "What are you saying?"

Toph's face took on a bland look. She pointed down the hall. "You're totally missing out on the hot tub action you could have going with these guys."

Azula stared at the Earthbender a moment. "How old did you say you were?"

"Old enough," replied Toph defensively.

Azula paused. "I don't suppose you're interested in a position at the Fire Nation Intelligence Commission? We have superb benefits after you complete your 6-month probationary period. But for you, I think we'd make an exception and drop it down to 3…" Azula put an arm around Toph's shoulders and guided her through the suite towards the bathroom. She motioned to Ty Lee and Mei to bring the boys- and the toys- and join them.

Aang and Sokka fought as hard as they could, but were dragged unceremoniously to the marble-tiled room.

"It's ok, Aang, we still have one trump card left," whispered Sokka reassuringly, though desperately, to the trembling Avatar.

"We do?" asked Aang, with giant, hopeful eyes.

"Yes.  _Katara_."

Aang brightened. "Katara will save us, right? She really will?"

"Of course she will – she'll be in bed soon, and she'll notice something's amiss when she sees we aren't there. She'll definitely save us."

"Thanks, Sokka," smiled Aang. His brow furrowed. "What about Iroh?"

Sokka looked pensive for a moment, before also brightening. "You're right, Aang! Iroh was supposed to be helping me as chaperone... Actually, I wonder why he hasn't shown up yet?"

Toph overheard their whispered debate. "Oh, Ozai's in there talking with Iroh in the living room," she said helpfully. "Looked like they'd been at it for a while, too. You probably shouldn't expect much from that end."

Sokka and Aang looked at each other.

"But wasn't Iroh also supposed to be supervising Katara?" asked Aang innocently. "In the hot tub. With Zuko."

Everyone in the suite paused for a moment at Aang's careless words.

"Over an hour ago?..."

Violent, air-sucking noises were rasping from Sokka's throat as he clutched at his chest and the carpet beneath his crumpled form.

"Aw man, I'm missing out on action with Katara? Damn!" complained Jet from his position across Mei's shoulders.

"She's with Zuko, Jet," reminded Ty Lee.

"Hey, the more the merrier, babe. No cock-block here!"

" ** _NOT HELPING, JET!_** " shouted Aang. "And I have no idea what cock-blocking is, but it doesn't sound very nice to birds."

"Ya got that right," muttered Jet. Mei rolled her eyes and looked at Azula, who nodded. Mei punched Jet in the stomach to silence him. Ty Lee probably could have done the same with her poke-fu, but Mei had been wanting to hit Jet for a while.

"It's ok, Sokka, we'll figure something out. It's ok, it's ok," soothed the Avatar, wondering if Sokka would ever recover from his crazy day. He distinctly thought he heard Jet mutter something about 'not knowing Mei liked it rough' before he saw Azula wave a hand and Mei sock him in the gut again.

"Why," mumbled Sokka, "why do fic authors keep making my sister the whore of fandom?"

While they were dragged to their uncomfortable, soon-to-be-wetter, doom, Aang was immeasurably thankful Jet hadn't managed to hear  _that_  particular admission…

* * *

____IN THE HALLWAY_ _ _ _

 

"—and he was just the most wonderful man I'd ever known," finished Yue sadly as she gossiped with her fellow member of the hotel's domestic staff. "I keep wondering what he's up to now, if he's still missing me. I just know he's the sensitive, caring type who'd have a hard time moving on. I feel bad about that…"

Suki put up a hand in sympathy. "He sounds a lot like my old guy. A bit goofy, but definitely one in a million. He worked hard, and he never let ya down, ya know?" said Suki, fondly remembering how Sokka had fought at her side on occasion. "And he was completely willing to take on new responsibilities and learn new things if it meant he could better look after those he cared about."

"I completely empathise with you, Suki," smiled Yue before she sighed. "I hope he's found happiness somewhere. My guy, too. I'd give anything to see him again!"

"Me, too," nodded Suki. "Hey, why don't we take a night-shift off sometime and go do something for ourselves to get our minds off this? It's hardly fair we both lost our first loves!"

"You know what? That's a great idea!" agreed Yue, her morose attitude disappearing. "I'd love to join you, Suki. Actually, since we're running ahead of schedule, why don't we just rush this last room's clean-up, and head out early? I bet we'd have a great time!"

"Sounds like a plan! Ok, let's see, the last suite on our round is out to…. Hmmmm… looks like the Longerbees checked out early, and the Fire Nation Royal Family are staying here in their stead." Suki shrugged her shoulders. "Well, this shouldn't be awkward at  _all_ ," she bit off sarcastically, and sighed a bit in irritation.

"Old friends?" asked Yue with concern in her eyes.

"Just… We have a bit of history. You know, assassinations, impersonations, the usual. Hopefully nothing that'll end unprofessionally, though. It's ok, don't worry, it'll all be fine in there. I'm sure everyone's just getting ready to wake up and see the sun rise, you know, usual Fire Bender stuff…"

Yue nodded in understanding.

They knocked on the door to the suite before quietly entering, heads bowed, and calling out, "Domestic staff, here to serve you. Please forgive our intrusion."

-Or, at least, that's what they  _would_  have said. Had all been normal.

In Avatar, there's never normal.

* * *

____IN TOPH & SOKKA'S SUITE, HOT TUB_ _ _ _

 

"What do you mean, " _Here_ "? What is it?"

Katara quickly caught the bag Zuko casually threw to her, and peered inside. The bag wasn't very large, but the tissue paper dissimulated the contents. Shifting it aside, she pulled out the 'gift'. Her eyes bulged.

"You… where the HELL did… What did this… WHY do you have something like  _this_?" She exclaimed, flabbergasted, as she held out the bikini-bottoms. They were  _very_  sparkly. "Are these diamonds along the top?!"

Zuko looked away, his arms folded in front of him. "Your current clothes are unsuitable for tending a royal person such as myself. Here is your new uniform. You may wear your costume-top from earlier tonight to complete your garment."

Katara stared at him, non-plussed. "You got me itty-bitty bling-bling bikini bottoms to wear as my  _nurse's_  attire?" she asked him dryly.

"If I have to wear so little, so do you. It's only fair."

' _Fair' my ass, you pervert prince_ , she thought to herself. She looked down at the bathing suit again, and noted it was actually a very flattering style. The diamonds were a bit much, though. (This coming from the young woman who'd been handing out Vuitton bags to impoverished orphans earlier that day.) "Don't you have anything more… appropriate?" she asked him warily.  _Because it is going to be awkward enough for me to heal you, and wearing this is going to be really distracting to me_ , she added to herself.

"No. Now go change. There's a screen in the corner." He turned away from her to give her more privacy, and waited stiffly in the water.

She noticed he had a small blush on the back of his neck, and was a bit impressed with how hard he was trying to hide his bashfulness.  _He's actually kind of … cute, when he's put-off like this_ , she realized.  _And while he's stubborn, he's also kind of noble. He's already turned around so he doesn't face me while I change, even if I'm not at the screen yet. OK, maybe he isn't all bad. The ordering-me-around part can go, but I suppose that was how he was brought up…_

Smiling a little ruefully to herself, Katara took one last exasperated look at the swimsuit ("Geez, this had better be comfortable," she muttered), and went to change behind the screen.

"So how'd you come across this?" she asked casually from behind the screen, hoping to ease the tension with a bit of small-talk.

"I, uh… Uncle. Uncle had gifts for everyone," he stumbled.

She raised an eyebrow.  _Liar_ , she thought, amused at his embarrassment.

"Please tell him I say "thank you". It's really very nice!" she called back in mockery, trying not to laugh. "What kinds of things does your uncle like? Other than tea, I mean. I'd like to get him a thank-you gift in return."

"-didn't do it to get something in return!" exclaimed the Prince, almost turning to face her, but remembering her compromised position he calmed and sat down.

"Oh, I insist," she continued, egging him on. "What should I get? A new vase for him? A book on Water Tribe lore? …" Suddenly, it came to her. "A new lead for Xiao Xiao?..."

His ears perked up at that. "Maybe something for Xiao Xiao wouldn't be so bad…" he said slowly, considering his words carefully. "I mean, Uncle will probably want to take care of him, so he'll spoil him with toys. But something useful would be good, too."

Katara was grinning.  _He's a bit cute when he's not arguing…maybe even nice._  "Ok," she said, trying to keep the grin from her voice, "I'll see if I can find something for your  _Uncle_  for Xiao Xiao. Thanks."

There was a pause. She finished changing and stepped from the screen and towards the hot tub.

She almost missed it, but luckily Zuko's voice carried.

Head a little bowed, the prince said "You're welcome," kindly in return.

Katara stopped mid-stride, her heart beating a bit quickly for a second before calming again. She held her breath _, what was that? I'm not… I mean, he's cute, sure, but I'm not falling for him, am I? This is purely physical._   _That's all it is. Too long a day, too much stress, and dawn'll be breaking soon, won't it? Wow…_

"All set?" she asked, though her voice cracked slightly as she yawned.

He turned to face her, face impassive but eyes glowing happily in appreciation. "Ready when you are, Waterbender."

 _Why did that sound like a challenge?_ She thought to herself sportingly, as she prepared to climb over the side of the tub. "Then let's do—"

-Zuko stood and held out his hand to escort her in.

"… this," she finished quietly as the gentleman clasped her wrist firmly while she got her footing. Her heartbeat skipped again, and it took a few more beats before it calmed itself this time. "Thanks," she breathed as she felt her head lighten and fought to restrain a nervous giggle.  _What the hell is wrong with me? He's just being helpful and nice._

_Yeah, and since when is he helpful and nice?_

_And giving me nice gifts?_

_Oh no, what if he likes me, too?_

She paused, terrified.

 _Wait, so I **do**  like him?_ Katara's heart thudded once, strongly, in reply.  _Ok… Ok…. OK…. So I like him. A bit. I… Oh no, I can't do this, I really, really can't do this…_

Katara felt on the verge of panic.  _Calm down, Katara, just one step at a time…_

"You're welcome," he repeated, a bit more gruffly this time. He let go of her hand and turned away from her again so she could move into position.

_Is this normal for him? He seems calmer. Does he **not**  like me? He looks more confident. Has he done this before?_

At that thought, she paused.

_**Has**  he been with other girls?_

She didn't know.

She stood behind him, completely dazed. Her emotions were running wild and she wondered if she was on an adrenaline rush, since her hands were trembling and her palms were probably sweating even though they  _were_  under water.

_Get a hold of yourself, Katara! You've faced him down plenty of times before, dealt with pirates, and survived far worse. This is just a **boy**. Deal with things later. Heal him now and get out so you can regroup!_

A familiar rhyme played through her head,  _…and if you choose to run away, live to fight another day_.

 _But I'm no coward_ , she thought determinedly.

The mental chastising bolstered her resolve, and Katara forced herself to take a deep breath and let it out slowly. _That's it, easy does it…_

Katara physically nodded to herself, her lips pressed tightly together, her eyes huge but focused.

"Ok," she said as calmly as she could. "Could you move this down until the bottom of the bruise is visible? I'll heal it as quickly as I can."

He nodded and did as she asked, keeping his face turned away from her the entire time. She saw his ears burning and actually felt slightly better at that.  _At least I'm not the only one who's uncomfortable in this situation_ , she thought with relief.

xXxXxXx

 _Ok, for future reference, getting her to wear that outfit is NOT going to make it easier on you, buddy_ , fumed Zuko to himself.  _For Agni's sake, do NOT turn around and face her until you've calmed down. Or died. Yes, dead sounds best. No embarrassing… reactions, then_.

He gripped the side of the tub with a steel grasp, praying the torture would conclude soon. And, by the same token, that it would never end.

 _She'd even offered to get something for Xiao Xiao_ , he thought to himself, dumbfounded.  _That was really considerate. And nice. She's really nice. I always thought she was annoying, but she's still willing to heal me, after all the arguing today. What the heck, is she running for sainthood? Or just stubborn as an ox?_

 _No, some people are just NICE_ , his inner voice reminded him.  _Don't mistake 'nice' for 'caring about you', though._

 _So she **doesn't**  like me?_ Zuko asked his inner voice, confused.

_I didn't say that. I just said you should think about things a little before acting. She is a nice girl. She's obviously skilled, and she's patient. You could do with some assistance on the 'patient' front. Talk to her._

_Doesn't talking to girls mean liking them? Or fighting with them and insulting them and their homeland?_ He asked uncertainly.

_It means **talking to them**. And I think you have a pretty good shot at the moment. Do you like her?_

_You're my inner voice, aren't you supposed to know?_ He thought sarcastically.

His inner voice chuckled with mirth.  _I think you already know the answer to this one. Talk to her and see if she feels the same way._

 _That wasn't an answer_ , he thought stubbornly.

_It was, and you know it. Be considerate when you open your mouth, though. Think three times before you say one word._

At that moment, Zuko realized his inner voice sounded a lot like his Uncle…

"Zuko, I'm a little unbalanced. I'm going to put one hand on your back to steady myself, ok? I can't reach the side of the tub from here, so hold on tight so we don't lose our balance," called Katara from behind him. His concentration broken, it took him a second to register what she'd said.

 _Oh. Ok. I can do this_ , he thought to himself.  _This is completely acceptable. OK, I approve._

He nodded, and tensed as he felt her cool hand on his spine.

"Is that ok?" she asked, concerned.

"Fine," he replied through his teeth, trying to relax.

"Ok, thanks. I'll be done in a few minutes."

He nodded again, head bowed, and held on tight to the side of the tub.

And so, this is how they came to be in the following (compromising) position: Katara behind Zuko, one hand on his back, her other raised to his side, him nearly bent over the side of the tub, his face the picture of stubborn determination…

…when his father and uncle burst through the door without knocking, yelling,-

" ** _Zuko! Who's your daddy!?_** "

-before the two men stopped and stared, mouths agape, at the young couple in front of them.

The room was dead silent as all parties stared at one another in horror.

Ozai's eyes bulged.

Katara's face went white.

Zuko tensed like a deer caught in the headlights.

…And Iroh wore the biggest grin he could muster short of breaking a jaw muscle.

" _Way to go, Nephew!_ " he cheered enthusiastically.

" **IROH!**  I  _knew_  you were corrupting my son!" Ozai turned on his older brother, livid.

"Breathe, Waterbender,  _breathe_ , come on!" Zuko was lightly slapping Katara's cheeks, to no avail. She was completely unresponsive. Again. Because of him and his Uncle. Again.

"I knew I could count on you for grandchildren, Prince Zuko!" continued Iroh encouragingly. He was clapping wildly.

"GRANDCHILDREN!?" sputtered Ozai. "I'm too Fire Lordy to be a grandfather yet! I object! At least wait until Azula's on the throne! She'll enjoy having moving targets-"

"WOULD YOU TWO OLD FARTS SHUT UP AND GET OUT OF THE WAY, KATARA'S UNCONSCIOUS!" bellowed the prince furiously at his elders.

Carrying the unresponsive girl bridal-style from the tub, he practically flew to the living room. After a quick search, he gathered up the keys to Katara and Aang's suite, Xiao Xiao, and all immediate necessities, and escaped to the adjacent hotel room, locking the door immediately behind him.

After wrapping Katara securely in a towel, setting Xiao Xiao down on a blanket on the floor nearby, and carefully lying Katara down on the bed in the master bedroom, Zuko sat down heavily in a nearby chair, and closed his eyes to gather his thoughts.

However,-

…  _oh shit, what have I done?_

-Was the only thought he could gather.

* * *

____STILL IN THE BATHROOM OF TOPH & SOKKA'S SUITE_ _ _ _

 

Ozai looked at Iroh.

Iroh looked at Ozai.

Both looked at the tub.

Then both looked at the doorway out of the bathroom.

"… So, first, maybe second base?" hazarded Ozai, making a comme-ci, comme-ca wave of his hand.

Iroh smirked through his beard before confidently stating, "Heh, this is MY Nephew we're talking about, little brother."

Ozai's brow creased in minor disapproval, but he nodded to himself. "Yes. I admit, it was quite a surprise he said her name."

Iroh nodded sagely, slipping his hands into his sleeves. "Tru dat." He smiled and looked upwards through the sky-light at the dawn glow that broke through the night's embrace. "Tru dat."

TBC

/end of Part 03 – one part left!

* * *

____AN: I hope you're enjoying it so far! I'm sorry, I thought I'd be able to finish this story with this last chapter, but it was getting really long, so I cut it off and will post the last part soon._ _ _ _

 

AN: Since this is/was my first fic (I have since written one or two others), I learned a great deal about fanfiction, writing in general, and fandom while I prepared each chapter. I even beta other people's work now! It's fantastic for learning editing skills and spotting your own errors. As such, I am currently reviewing all chapters of this story, and will be re-posting the edited versions. This is a personal goal for me, to improve on what I started. There's no need for you to go back and re-read everything. I'm just going to tighten up the story and fix some of those embarrassing errors from yester-chapter. (IE: "AGNI KAT!" – why did no one bring this to my attention!? Why!? Thank goodness I recognize this now with my better monitor… Oy vey, this is gonna be a rough re-write!) Many thanks in advance to renagrrl who's agreed to beta the revised chapters! (If you haven't already, go check out her AU Zutara, "College Daze". Lots of fun!)

AN: I just want to take a moment to thank my reviewers/friends who've made a world of difference in this story's quality (and by that, I mean "balls"—er, "improved it vastly") : solitaryguard, tikki-hikki, heartsyhawk, Kumori Doragon, frozenheat, libowiekitty, Tinsel Tinkerbell, kataangfan22, Liselle129, Deamon Fire, and everyone else who's commented or sent me PMs. The first three names on this list have provided me enormous feedback/concrit, and I owe them a number of shout-outs for agreeing to let me use their lines/suggestions/plot devices. Also, my friends AkumaNeko and LuelExana – thank you for letting me add the 'Tairoh' ship!

AN: Please bear with me – one chap left! (And if there's anything after that, it'll just be a post-fic chapter answering questions and explaining the myriad intertextual references that have appeared in this fic.)

* * *

____**Chapter 17: Chapter 09: Zutara epilogue, Part 04** _ _ _ _

* * *

" **The Gift Horse** **"**

**AN: All materials are copyright their original creators.**

Chapter 09 Summary: Part 04 of the Zutara ending! Wow, I can't believe my 'epilogue' has four chapters to it. This is the 'epilogue conclusion' then, if I can make it any more redundant! XD

AN: Thanks for the support, everyone! I've loved & appreciated every minute – and I hope you have, too. On with the show! (Let me know how many references you catch!)  
 **  
**

**PS: I sincerely apologise-the earlier-posted version of this chapter was riddled with screw-ups, and I didn't notice them until just now. SORRY! I think I've cleared them up-it should make for an easier read now. Again, you have NO idea how sorry I am about that...particularly to that first group of eager-eyes.  
**

* * *

 

Chapter 09: Zutara epilogue part 04!

DYNASTY (AKA: THE FIRE NATION GIRLS' SUITE)

Suki and Yue walked into the circus-like suite, eyes and mouths agape – they doubted there was anything even remotely addressing this type of situation in their work contracts.

"They installed a swing… suspended from the ceiling," noted Yue in a surreal tone, slowly making her way into the foyer.

Suki gingerly prodded a pair of well-used assless leather chaps with her toe, noting the addition underneath. "We don't supply rooms with bear-skin rugs—dear spirits-!" She felt her heart stop and with hands flying to her mouth, she looked at Yue.

Yue's eyes grew wide in realization.

"Oh, poor Kuei," she breathed, her eyes filling with tears.

"Come on, we gotta get this overwith before anything else happens," ordered Suki, not wanting to stay in the suite a moment longer than necessary. Brandishing her rubber-gloved hands and cleaning implements, she immediately went to work sanitizing the entire room. Yue, saying a quick prayer, followed her friend's lead.

They'd cleared almost half the room when they heard the sounds coming from the suite's main bathroom. Yue and Suki looked at each other in morbid curiosity.

* * *

____IN TOPH & SOKKA'S ORIGINAL SUITE_ _ _ _

 

"You're sure he knows what he's doing?" asked Ozai doubtfully of his older brother as Iroh pushed his brother through the suite to the main entryway.

"Ozai, he may be your son, but he's my nephew. Trust me, we have nothing to worry about," reassured Iroh. "Now go back to your suite – I'll deal with everything in the morning. Please let Miss Ty Lee know her card is back in Fire Nation hands, also. She'll know what I'm talking about."

"Are we still on for brunch later?" asked Ozai hopefully.

Iroh fought the urge to roll his eyes at his younger brother's enthusiasm. "I'll ask Zuko if he minds you coming over later to see Xiao Xiao for brunch.  _I promise_ ," he declared, seeing the Fire Lord's near-protest. "Now go look after your naughty daughter before she gets caught in some kind of illicit activity. For goodness sake, you need to keep her on a shorter leash, Ozai," scolded Iroh.

"But she's the good one!" exclaimed the Fire Lord. "… and she also scares me a bit," he added, hoping he was too quiet for Iroh to hear.

"And who do you think she inherited that from?" returned Iroh, vehemently closing the suite door in Ozai's face. Sighing, he leaned back against the door was about to relax in the living room when he heard a knock at the panel behind him.

"Look, Ozai," started Iroh roughly, swinging open the door, "I've had it just about up to here with – oh, I'm sorry," he apologized quickly, seeing the startled servant on the doorstep. "How can I help you?"

The servant bowed and handed over an envelope before rushing away in a flurry of apologies for disturbing the Dragon of the West.

The old General closed the door, more patiently this time, and returned with the letter back to the living room. Exhausted, he slumped down on a chair and braced for more bad news as he opened the message.

" _Dear Uncle,"_  it began,

" _The waterbender, er, Katara is exhausted and needs a day of rest. I will see to her. We will stay in the suite next door. Please tell her friends – and her annoying idiot brother – that she returned home and will meet them there later. We are not to be disturbed. I will be… meditating. Heavily._ _ **Just like you suggested**_ _. I will see you when I return home._

"… _Don't wait up._

" _Respectfully,_

" _Your Nephew, Crown Prince Zuko of the Fire Nation_

" _(PS: I expect at least second base by early evening.)"_

Iroh re-read the letter twice more - and then passed out in the chair.

* * *

____IN KATARA AND AANG—ER, ZUKO'S – SUITE_ _ _ _

 

Stirring from his sleep in the uncomfortable chair, he looked around to see what had woken him.

Xiao Xiao gazed up at him from the floor with huge, loving eyes and whined softly before pulling on Zuko's blanket, trying to get him to follow him to the door.

 _Oh, right, puppies need to go, don't they?_  he thought hazily to himself as he slipped the blanket off himself, took the puppy's leash and a few bags with him to clean up after the young dog. He moved as quietly as he could so as not to wake Katara who slept a few feet away in the bed. Her breathing remained even, and he closed the door after him to prevent any future noises from reaching her.

When master and man's best friend returned, the prince fed his little shadow and scratched him behind the ears playfully as he wrote and sent a quick note to his Uncle, ordered breakfast brought up for himself and his 'guest', and arranged for a nearby bedroom to serve as a meditation room for the morning. The servants were efficient and soon everything was ready.

It was as he rose to go meditate that he suddenly thought to himself,  _Wait…when did I have time last night to put a blanket on? I thought I just collapsed…_  His confusion lingered as he settled in front of the candles.

From the master bedroom, Katara slumbered on, a smile on her lips.

* * *

____DYNASTY_ _ _ _

 

Sokka looked up from his compromising position with Ty Lee in the hot tub to see Suki and Yue standing in the doorway to the bathroom. Suki dropped her mop, and Yue fell to her knees at the spectacle in front of them.

Sokka's eyes went huge with relief, and a grin plastered across his face; while Aang looked like a desperate puppy waiting for dindin. Toph, Azula, Mei, Ty Lee, and Jet looked up in curiosity. Haru still unconscious, was propped up to make things prettier—aided, in part, by the make-up they'd slathered on him.

"Thank goodness you're here!" the watertribesman shouted to the new arrivals ecstatically. "Please! Save me!" Aang kicked him from his prone position. "Ow…. Sorry Aang but with my rugged looks I'm in a lot more danger than you."

Ty Lee giggled and cuddled Sokka closer, admonishing his protests. "Silly boy, you're exactly where you're supposed to be! Leave the servants alone – it isn't nice to tease!"

Suki recovered first, angrily clenching the bucket in her opposite hand. "SOKKA! You low-down, cheating, good for nothing dog—" she started, but was interrupted by Yue's sobs.

"Sokka – you've been here? With her?" sniffled Yue, indicating Ty Lee with an elegant gesture of her wrist. Yue rubbed her eyes with the back of her hands before pausing at Suki's words and straightening up.

She looked at the Kiyoshi Warrior. "Wait a minute, you know Sokka, too?" she slowly asked the dark-haired girl holding the pail beside her.

Suki nodded slowly, looking over at Yue. "Yeah… you know, when we were talking earlier –"

"Yeah, and how he was such a great guy—"

"Who'd do anything for his friends—"

"Things just got a lot more interesting." Azula whispered slyly.

"Yeah," agreed Toph, "Fifty on Suki?"

"You're on," the princess replied smirking.

"Uh, ladies, over here!" called Sokka, rattling his chains, ignorant of the conflict brewing in front of him.

"Now, now, pet. You know it's rude to invite others to play without asking your mistress first." Ty Lee practically purred beside him as sweat beaded on his forehead- and not from the steam.

Not that either woman was paying any attention.

"The one who'd have such a HARD TIME moving on—" growled Yue through her teeth, glaring at her colleague.

"Who trained with me and wore a DRESS for me—" snapped Suki, facing off with her blond rival.

"Sokka! You should have told me you were into that!" squealed Ty Lee.

"Warrior's uniform!" clarified Sokka desperately, "Warrior's uniform! Now could we please negotiate later – there's plenty of me to go around – but not in the hot tub," he finished, a pointed look at Ty Lee's hopeful face.

"He said he loved me," declared Yue confidently, folding her arms in front of her.

"Me, too – and I was in more episodes than you," smirked Suki.

"Debatable," muttered Yue. "And you're the one who got caught by  _them_ ," she said derisively, indicating Ozai's Angels with her chin. "Way to go,  _Warrior_ ," she added, her voice laced with sarcasm.

Fire crackled and dust billowed between the two.

"Azula! Toph! Stop that!" hollered Sokka desperately, giving Azula the evil eye. (Such a gesture was futile with Toph, obviously…)

Azula stopped shooting lightning between the two hostile young women, but smirked when they leapt at each other's throats anyway. Toph merely shrugged.

"You shallow snake!" screamed Suki, tearing at the lace of Yue's black-and-white maid uniform angrily.

"You cheater!" shrieked Yue, stumbling and forcing them both towards the tub. She ripped the cute hat from Suki's head, throwing her hair in disarray.

"You man-eater!"

"Whore!"

They teetered on the edge of the tub, before Suki finally slapped Yue across the face, unbalancing them both. They toppled in, but quickly resurfaced, the other occupants of the tub openly staring at the two fighting women in front of them.

"Painted cow!"

Slap.

"Twit!"

Slap.

"Harlot!"

Slap.

"Vapid wench!"

Slap.

"Bitch!" shouted both together.

The occupants all watched in amazement as more slapping rang out. Mei shook herself out of her daze and started filming the scene, as the assaults continued and the clothing progressively ruined. "Uh, Mei, we're supposed to save that for the boys," whispered Ty Lee to her friend. Mei was fumbling with the camera, trying to find the best angle.

"Not now, Ty Lee," mumbled Mei, entranced. Ty Lee stared at her friend in shock and dawning realization.

xXxXxXx

"Come on, Aang, now's our chance!" called Toph, noticing the others were all distracted by the mayhem. Aang, unable to tear his eyes away from the two women (who were now reduced to their slips), felt himself heaved from the tub. Landing awkwardly, he continued staring at the now-upside-down scene of the two feisty girls.

Toph hopped down beside him and dragged him away, back to their suite. "Just don't use your Avatar State, Aang – we got a warning from M & B that it isn't covered by our HMO Health Insurance in the off-season!"

Aang was too fixated on the sight of the two women fighting in their underwear, however, to pay her any real attention. "Can't we wait for Katara to save us?" he asked distantly. "Because I think she should fight Yue and Suki, too…"

"No Twinkle Toes were leaving now," responded Toph dragging the now unwilling airbender further.

"No! Wait! Their clothes are all wet and clingy!" bemoaned the Hero Monk Destined to Save the World.

Toph muttered mono-syllabically as she continued to drag the semi-rational Avatar away.

xXxXxXx

Sokka was still trying to escape, and made it to the door just as Fire Lord Ozai peeked into the bathroom to see what all the fuss was about.

"EEEEEEP!" screeched Sokka, quickly using a nearby piece of furniture to cover his outfit. He saw the imposing man give a quick glance around the bedlam before backing out again slowly and scampering to his room in haste. The door was vigorously shut, made an audible 'click' sound, followed immediately thereafter by the scraping sounds of dragged furniture. Obviously, he was having nothing to do with his daughter's 'party-cum-blackmail-photoshoot'.

Sokka stared back, dumbfounded.  _This was the man who'd been trying to rule the world, the one who kept trying to capture the Avatar, the one who'd burned his own son's face in Agni Kai – he was scared of his own daughter?_ Sokka was floored.  _Silly Fire Lord – Agni Kai's are for kids!_  He almost laughed at the obscene notion.

But then something about 'Agni Kai' caught his attention. Something about the phrase 'Agni Kai'… 'Agni Kai'… what was it? It was a fire duel, yes, but why were the words sticking in his head at that very moment, refusing to wriggle away? It was getting quite unsettling.  _Why was it important?_

Attire completely forgotten, Sokka felt his feet take off to match his rushing thoughts. He ran out of the suite, mind working furiously at the last phrase-  _'Agni Kai'_ \- completely oblivious to the scandalized stares he was receiving from those he passed in the hallways.  _Agni Kai, Agni Kai… I heard that earlier… From who, though? Wait- No! It was Zuko – he said "Agni Kat!" hahaha, I remember that. He was so worked up while they were out looking for Katara…_

… Katara…

… Agni Kat…

AGNI KAT!

"AGNI, KATARA!"  _THAT'S_  what Zuko had been about to yell in the car!

Looking for her at the waterbending demo, playing with Xiao Xiao, making sure he was the last person she was to heal in the hot tub - suddenly, every play Zuko had made that day made sense to Sokka, and he realized the Prince had calculated his every move in order to get closer to his sister.

Careening down the hall, Sokka flew through his suite in search of his sibling and the firebender. Not finding them, he tore out again and went straight to the suite Katara was to have shared with Aang. He somehow knew they were in there. Hammering wildly on the door, Sokka started shouting at them through the heavy wood panels, trying to get his sister's attention to warn her of Zuko's doubtless-less-than-honourable intentions.

It would truly have been an intimidating sight: eyes burning in righteous fury; face a mask of indignation; if it weren't for the simple fact that a hospital gown would have covered more of his backside that his current cool threads. Literally.

"Katara! Get out here! It's a trap! He just wants to use you! Don't fall for it!"

BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG!

"Come on, answer me, Katara! Stay away from him! He's a guy! He has  **bad**  thoughts!"

WHAM!-WHAM!-WHAM!-WHAM! (Sokka utilized his only weapon on hand in an attempt to rescue his sister: his head.)

"KATARA! The power of friends compels you! The power of friends compels you! Get away from the firebender – the power of friends compels you!"

Pausing to catch his breath, he didn't notice Iroh stumbling up behind him; eyes down-cast and hands trying to block the view of certain valuable Water Tribe assets.

"Don't worry, Katara: if he's touched you, we can bleach it off later! There are detox centers with specialized programs for stuff like this! Please come out! You can still save your dignityyyyyyyyyy!" he wailed pathetically, tearing at the door with his hands.

"Master Sokka," grumbled Iroh sleepily, startling the watertribesman. "I received a note early this morning. It said your sister had already left to return home, and she'd see you later this evening. Kindly stop bothering anyone who may be in that room at the moment. And in the name of all that is holy  _please_  return to your room and remedy your current state of undress. We will have breakfast later after a good night's sleep.  **Now, get moving**." Rubbing his face, Iroh led the confused, and slightly relieved young man away from the scene and back to his own room- all the while heroically ignoring the mumbling rant about his sister's honor and the retribution he would seek against Zuko's…indelicacies.

 _Quit making so much noise when I'm fighting a hangover, you little (censored for too much Iroh-awesome-naughty-language)._ Only years of proper upbringing and a healthy respect for uncorrupted youthful minds stopped Iroh from voicing those thoughts. After all, there was a specific way to corrupt the young…starting with a nice cup of jasmine tea.

 _Hmmm…tea. A cup sounds heavenly right about now_. The retired general mused dreamily as he welded Sokka's door shut to prevent any more disturbances.

 _Prince Zuko,_ swore Iroh as he closed his own door, _I better have put my trust in the correct place, or you will pay dearly for this tomorrow_ …

* * *

____DYNASTY_ _ _ _

 

Jet had shifted to get a better view of the cat fight, and while the girls were currently trying to strangle each other with their hair, he had to admit he'd rarely had such good seats for a brawl he wasn't personally participating in. Nearby, he noticed Azula, Ty Lee and Mei water-proofing the camera again to start on the next roll of film.

Suki and Yue flipped each other over to the other side of the hot tub; Jet gave them plenty of leeway, leaning back comfortably beside Haru. His mind was furiously working out ways to get a copy of the tape when he felt the other man stir.

"What happened? Where am I? …Why am I sopping wet?" he asked Jet, focusing his eyes on the strange scene in front of him.

"Steroid-shooting frump!"

Slap!

"Pansy-assed tramp!"

Slap!

The rest of their…banter was lost in the subsequent submersions. In complete honesty nobody was really listening—to the words. The groaning and grunting, however…

"Did I die and go to the Spirit World?" Asked Haru rigidly controlling…his voice; slipping down into the tub water once more—which he later claimed was due to the restraining leather pants.

"Nope, but it's the next best thing," commented Jet confidently as he helped raise his comrade up above water-level again. He handed Haru a drink. "Here, use it to keep flies from landing in your mouth. Trust me, this is probably one of the best capture fics either of us has ever been in."

Haru accepted the glass guiltily, and went back to watching the two young women tumble in their underwear.

"By the way, could you stop the drooling? The tub's got enough water, thanks." Jet added before taking a swig.

Haru nodded. "Yep, I think you're right," he conceded slowly, and took a big gulp of his own drink. "I know this is wrong but I can't seem to stop watching them. They're just so sheer and lacy and bouncy…." He finished in a rapt tone.

Snickering, Jet replied, "You are such a kid. Brace yourself, it's about to get better."

"Cheers," and a raised glass were the only replies. Jet, his eyes never straying from the catfight, lifted his glass and clinked it with Haru's.

Both boys leaned back to enjoy the entertainment.

* * *

____ZUKO'S COMMANDEERED SUITE_ _ _ _

 

Katara shifted under the warm blankets before giving a huge cat-like stretch in the brilliant sunlight that poured through the windows. Smiling, she laid her head down again and breathed deeply.  _Feels like mid-morning – I don't even remember the last time I had the chance to sleep in like this…_  she started to drift off to sleep again, but felt her heart momentarily stop, before starting to beat rapidly. She gasped and snapped her eyes open.

She sat straight up in the massive bed, hauling the blankets up to her chin, and looked around furtively.

"Zuko…?" she called out softly, not sure if she wanted him to answer or not. "Hello…?"

Instead of the prince of firebenders, a servant girl entered, bearing clothes for her. Bowing in a small curtsy, the girl placed the clothes on the end of the bed, explaining breakfast was ready for her in the next room when she was ready. She left before Katara could ask what dimension she'd landed in during her time warp.

"Floozy," Meng muttered to herself after leaving the room.

Taking another deep breath, and a good look around to make sure no one was hiding in the room (she hadn't forgotten the last evening's escapades so easily), she dressed in record time and was overwhelmed when she saw the amount of food elaborately laid out on the table in the next chamber of the suite.

"Zuko? Sokka? You here?" she asked curiously, but the room was silent. "Anybody?"

Approaching the low table, she sat down quietly on a cushion beside it, folding her legs beneath her. She peered around the room, looking for any sign she was accompanied by someone other than the hotel staff. Nothing caught her eye.

She watched the food, too uncomfortable to eat despite feeling ravenous. She couldn't remember the last time she'd eaten alone. She settled in to wait for anyone to come and join her.

Until her stomach growled noisily.

 _OK, new plan_ , she admitted sheepishly. She'd settle and wait 3 minutes, and if no one showed up, she'd either go looking or dig right in. She stared at the food hungrily. It looked like all her favourite foods were present.  _Wow! Zuko did his homework_ , she realized, equally amazed, impressed, and flattered. Usually Aang was the only one who remembered which fruits she liked, and little pastries, and sweets, and… Her resolve to wait for some company wavered at the sight of her favourite tarts.

She was just biting into a strawberry when Zuko entered, rubbing his hair dry. He nodded to her as he sat down and joined her at the table.

She swallowed, and nodded back.

Silence.

"Thank you for breakfast," she said politely. "I can't believe how many of my favourites are here. You choose well for peasants," she commented, making for a light joke.

He glanced up from the table; was she insulting him? Deciding she looked too relaxed, he nodded again. "Thanks for fixing me up," he replied, and smirked. "And I always choose well. It's a royalty thing." He didn't add that he had actually just pilfered the menu Aang had arranged for to treat Katara when the Avatar had originally booked the room. He thought smugly to himself,  _I'll be sure to send a note to the Avatar later, thanking him for his appropriate forethought, and reassuring him Katara indeed enjoyed it very much—In my company_. He almost snickered at the thought of the look of horror that would cross the other young man's face at the admission.

Katara looked at her 'host' closely, and put down her chopsticks. "What's so funny? Am I somehow embarrassing myself?" she asked him coldly, barely keeping the irritation from her voice.

Startled, he faced her and nearly spat out the vegetables he'd been chewing. "No! No, it was something else. You're doing well, fine!" he reassured her.

"I'm eating 'well'?" she asked him, her eyebrow rose at him in cold fury. "What, did you expect me to eat with my hands or get down on all fours?" She narrowed her eyes at him, all thoughts of food forgotten.  _Condescending jerk…_

 _Oh no, it's starting_ , he thought to himself anxiously.  _What did my inner-Uncle say to do? Compliment her? Ask her things? Talk to her? That's it!_

Trying to calm his nervous heartbeat and thoughts, he kept his composure and patiently looked back at her. "What I meant was, was there anything else you wanted to eat?" Silence. He tried again. "Uh, did you sleep well?"

She nodded a bit, trying to figure out what strategy he was playing at. He was being considerate. That alone was disturbing. But considerate and polite at the same time? To her? She almost wanted to look around to see if someone was observing them for some kind of sociology experiment. "You ok?" she asked him curiously.

Confused, he looked back. "You healed me last night, remember? I'm fine."

She continued looking at him another moment before picking up her chopsticks again.  _Yeah, that's exactly what I meant, Zuko. Argh, why did I even bother?_  she wondered to herself in frustration, and stabbed a small pastry angrily.

Zuko looked over at his guest again questioningly. Had he done something wrong? He was being nice! Wasn't this what he was supposed to do? Wasn't she supposed to be nice back? _Dammit, she's not making this work!_

 _Inner-Iroh! Help!_  He called urgently to his mental-driver, but received no answer.

The young couple's awkward silence was interrupted by rabid banging at their suite's door, however.

"Katara! Get out here! It's a trap! He just wants to use you! Don't fall for it!"

Katara's face whipped around and her eyes met Zuko's in sudden distrust.

BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG!

"Come on, answer me, Katara! Stay away from him! He's a guy! He has  **bad**  thoughts!"

…Then her eyebrow went up.

WHAM!-WHAM!-WHAM!-WHAM!

"KATARA! The power of friends compels you! The power of friends compels you! Get away from the firebender – the power of friends compels you!"

Her cheeks flamed red.

"Don't worry, Katara: if he's touched you, we can bleach it off later! There are detox centers with specialized programs for stuff like this! Please come out! You can still save your dignityyyyyyyyyy!"

She dropped her face in her hands and groaned in embarrassment.  _Go to your happy place, Katara. Fluffy clouds, warm sunlight, crisp snow and the brisk wind across my face while penguin sledding…._

"Master Sokka," they heard Iroh grumble. "I received a note early this morning. It said your sister had already left to return home, and she'd see you later this evening. Kindly stop bothering anyone who may be in that room at the moment. And in the name of all that is holy  _please_  return to your room and remedy your current state of undress. We will have breakfast later after a good night's sleep.  **Now, get moving**."

After a moment, they heard the two men shuffle back to the adjacent suite, closing the doors after them.

There was stunned silence from Zuko, which Katara let hang for a moment or two as she folded her elbows in front of her, bowed her head, took a deep breath, and slowly, sincerely, apologetically said,

"I am so,  _sooooooo_  sorry about him…."

"Actually, I'm more concerned about the 'state of clothing' part…." Zuko murmured back.

* * *

____LEAVING THE LOBBY OF THE HOTEL_ _ _ _

 

Ozai, Fire Lord, strode confidently from the hotel, his daughter and her minions following behind him at a discreet distance.

"Now I have all the evidence I need to destroy fandom's obsession with the Avatar – soon, with no one left to admire, they'll pledge allegiance to the Fire Nation, and me, Fire Lord Ozai!" Gloating all the way back to his carriage, he paid no attention to his young charges. "Soon, they'll ship me with their Sues!"

"Hey, Mei," whispered Ty Lee. "I don't think he understands that pictures like these are actually going to excite fandom more. Why didn't Azula tell him when he gave her the plan?"

Mei gave Ty Lee a knowing look.

" _Ooooooooooooh_ ," said Ty Lee slowly in understanding.

Azula evaluated the evidence in her hands, trying to gauge its worth. "Open market, or black market?" she mused aloud in speculation. Choosing a particularly stunning scene that she remembered from the recorded tapes, she paused. "YouTube, definitely. Wider audience. Sell the rest from there…"

* * *

____HOTEL STAFF MANAGEMENT OFFICE_ _ _ _

 

"I'm sorry, ma'am, but I just haven't seen either of them. They didn't return from their last shift, or at least, didn't sign out," explained domestic shift manager to his supervisor. "I checked, and they completed all their assignments – except for their last one. No one is answering from that suite."

The supervisor nodded grumpily and took a swig of coffee. "They were good employees, too, those two. Worked great together. Ok, we'll let this one slide. Anything else to report from the night shift?"

"Well," he started hesitantly, "we did just receive a report that the suite that was assigned to the Avatar was, uh, re-assigned to Prince Zuko of the Fire Nation."

The supervisor looked up from her paperwork. "Excuse me?"

"And he requested attendant staff, which we sent immediately."

The supervisor looked down at the guest-list in front of her. She started re-scheduling. "So, you're telling me the prince commandeered a suite? Just so he didn't have to sleep with any of his 'enemies' near him?" she mumbled absently, re-routing staff in an effort to prevent over-time and double-shifts.

"… no, he had someone with him. There were two of them in the suite. A large breakfast spread was sent up some time ago."

"Well, that means more clean-up staff for that suite, I guess, and—wait, you say he had someone  _with_  him?" The supervisor's head perked up.

"Yes, ma'am."

The supervisor looked down at her sheet again, puzzled.  _What was going on?_ She doubted the Avatar had stayed in his suite with Zuko. _Who was with him, then?_

At that moment, the door to the office rang out with a knock, then swung open as in stomped two bedraggled, sopping, scowling, bruised, underwear-clad, night-shift maids, their entrance thoroughly interrupting the coordinator's plans.

They walked over to the laundry bin, dumped in the shreds that remained of their uniforms, and clomped to the door again, Suki turning only once to stare coldly at their supervisor and levelly state, "We are NEVER to attend to the Fire Nation royal family again, is that understood?" before she walked out without waiting for an answer, Yue hobbling beside her.

The junior employee and the supervisor stared after them, but were immediately interrupted again by a page rushing through the door without knocking.

"What now?" asked the supervisor blithely.

"I'm sorry to disturb you, ma'am, but we just received word there was an explosion on the top floor, within one of the presidential suites. The occupants are requesting an architectural assessment, a team of structural-reinforcement engineers, a haz-mat crew, and some breakfast. They did insist that breakfast was the priority, however. The guests believe they've contained the fire, and expect to have the survivors bandaged up and back to work in several hours."

The supervisor didn't even pause as she calmly went back to her schedule, made a few more notes and re-arrangements, and took another gulp of coffee before pulling her cigarettes from the top drawer.

She was beginning to remember back to the summer of '72, when former-Fire-Lord-to-be Iroh had stayed there with his entourage. Gods, what a mess that had been: they'd practically had to rebuild the entire floor. And forget the pool, they'd just filled it with concrete after… Well, they'd learned and reinforced the suites, and now had the entire hotel under video surveillance to avoid similar 'incidents'.

But now it looked like more hormone-driven benders had shown up to 'celebrate' something or other. She hated it when rich spoilt teenagers came to her hotel to party; and when they were benders to boot, it never ended well…

* * *

____SOKKA & TOPH'S SUITE_ _ _ _

 

"Toph, is that you?" croaked Aang from the bed, his bleary sight clearing slightly in the morning light.

"Hey Twinkle-Toes, welcome back to the Land of the Living. Ready to go?"

"Where's everyone else? Is Katara here?" he asked hopefully as he started to sit up. He heard a clanging noise and looked down at his hands. "Why am I wearing fuzzy handcuffs? And where are my pants?"

"Oh… Azula must still have them," the earthbender replied evasively. "I didn't get a chance to get the key. Katara's fine. Zuko looked after her last night in that suite you arranged for her, and—  _wait, Aang, NO!_ "

Aang's angry head glowed as he felt the Avatar-State start to take over, but suddenly an explosion rang out through the suite, distracting them both as they were thrown to the side from the shockwave.

xXxXxXx

"I'm sure Katara will be the one to initiate anything, Sokka. Trust me, my nephew's emotional upbringing was too injury-laden for him to have any confidence with women," reassured Iroh as he patted Sokka's shoulder and sat down across from him at the table. "Now, let's have some of this fine breakfast!"

"Not that that really brings me any comfort, but thanks, General Iroh," said Sokka mournfully, eyeing the platter of food in front of him. Spotting a hunk of lamb, he immediately perked up. "Oh hey, I bet I could toast that up for us again in my great invention!" he exclaimed, jumping up to drag his contraption back into the suite.

"Oh, Sokka, I really don't feel that's necessary," started Iroh anxiously, putting up his hands. "And that thing was moved around a lot in all the earthquaking and such overnight, perhaps we should leave it aside until you've had a chance to—"

"No way!" cried Sokka enthusiastically. "Everything'll be fine! Here, just let me—"

"Sokka, NO!" But Iroh's protests were too late.

"-light the propane burner underneath, and—"

_**BOOOOOOOOOOM!-PHWOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!  
** _

* * *

 

HOTEL STAFF MANAGEMENT OFFICE

"—Ma'am, we just got word from the assessment crew: they DO require the medical team, along with a bomb-defusal squad and another fresh breakfast. Also, reinforcements for the architectural engineers – they're refusing to continue without an armed guard and riot gear. Something about the Avatar's girlfriend being M.I.A., and the Avatar himself being incensed as a result. They fear for their personal safety. We don't have the full story yet, sorry."

Nodding and taking a drag on her cigarette, the supervisor waved the page away and went back to her schedule, getting out her red pen and large bottle of tequila. This shift was going to take some creative thinking…

(She poured herself a shot of liquor and threw it back effortlessly.)

…and outright bribery and/or blackmail.

… and threats.

 _Godsdamned twerp benders_ , thought the supervisor bitterly to herself.

* * *

____SUITE, SUITE ZUTARA_ _ _ _

 

"So you really were looking out for me all day?" Katara asked Zuko incredulously. He shrugged and made a noncommittal sound. " _Really?_ " She didn't sound convinced.

They'd eaten their fill and she was sitting on the floor, leaning back against the couch while he sat kneeling across from her at the table. She thought back to all the occasions he'd seen to her over the past evening: helping her bow on stage, holding her up when she was too tired to stand on her own, arranging for June to attend to her back…

"Wait a minute – so why were you in there—here—with Aang, peeping at me?!" she challenged him, crossing her arms in front of her. She wasn't going to let him get out of  _that_  one!

"I wasn't peeping!" he yelled in exasperation, turning back to face her. His arms were crossed in front of him tightly. "I knew the Ava— _Aang_ ," he corrected himself at her sharp look, "snuck in to see you before you were supposed to be finished! It was dishonourable—I just went to get him out of there. We were leaving when June…" his voice trailed off and he looked away again. He sighed, seeing she still didn't look like she believed him. "I knew you'd been hurt during the show earlier. It looked like you didn't want him to know. I thought June would make you feel better. That's all. I just didn't want Aang to disturb you when you should have been resting." He'd noticed the night before, as she'd been healing him in the hot tub, that her back had been burned and still had red marks to it. He didn't know if it still bothered her now, though.  _I arrange for a masseuse for her, I get her breakfast, and she still doesn't trust me. I'm even talking to her! She's so much trouble…_

… _So why am I going to all this trouble for her?..._

She exhaled slowly through her nose, weighing his answers.  _He could be telling the truth_ , she mulled the idea over in her mind,  _he could be. But I still feel he's holding something back. I was unconscious more than once last night, too – and no one's explained to me yet how that kept happening._

She leveled her eyes at him. "So you did all this out of the goodness of your heart?" she asked him directly.

 _That, and for the fangirls – I was sick of having everything taken from me_ , his mind supplied helpfully. Zuko hesitated while he considered what answer he should verbally  _say_ , however. Honesty was the best policy, but non-violence sounded pretty good after such a long night, too…

Katara scoffed and threw up her arms in frustration at his pause. "I knew it. You're just using me to get 'the Avatar' again. I am so sick of this happening!" she screamed at the young man across from her, launching herself to her feet and stomping past him back to her/their room.

Zuko looked up at her and started to stand, also, reaching for her as she stormed past. "No, Katara, wait!" He grabbed her wrist and tried to get her to turn around again.

"Stop it, and leave me alone!" she threw at him, trying to shake him off. He was angry and the heat was rising around him.

"No, you stupid peasant!" he hollered back, now on his feet and gripping both her forearms tightly. "I did stupid things for the fangirls, for my honour – but I looked after you because—Because…" he stumbled over his words, realizing he'd once again rushed in before thinking things through. His eyebrows knit in confusion. "Never mind," he growled, lowering their arms and looking away.

"Because what? You enjoy making me miserable?" she bit off at him, not caring for his answer. She pulled a bit at her arms to free herself, and looked around for any source of water she could find in the suite, even if it was just a flower vase she could pillage. "Because you're getting 'A' for effort in that one, Zuko!" she snapped, ice dripping from her every word.

Furious, his eyes blazed and he inadvertently hauled her up against him in anger, intimidating her and yelling at her face-to-face. " _NO!"_ he bellowed before he had a chance to reflect. " _Because I didn't want you to get hurt!_ " he shot back, and swallowed hard when he realized what he'd just admitted. Katara's eyes widened and her mouth opened, but not even a whisper passed her lips.  _Oh Agni, no, what have I done?..._  he thought to himself in horror.

She looked at him, felt the warm waves of body heat rolling off his far-too-close chest, his harsh breathing bringing them closer together and further apart with every gasp, and his tight grip on her arms searing her in their possession. His warm breath reached her ears and tickled the side of her neck, and she even noticed his smell, his maleness, seeping into her senses.  _Too close, too close, this is far too close…_ her mind repeated, urged, in caution; though another part of her whispered hopefully, conversely, _but not yet close enough…_

He felt her pulse race in her wrists, the mild trembling that took hold of her regardless of how hard he knew she was trying to hide it, and saw her lovely throat swallowing over and over again, trying to make way for words he wasn't sure he was ready to hear. Her skin felt cooler than his, but her own temperature had risen and a blush had followed, sparking a faint hope within him that perhaps he had not ruined things entirely. Her breathing had also quickened and she fought to regain control in front of him.  _She's trying_ , he realized in surprise,  _she's trying for me… Waterbender, show me that courage of yours, now_ , he pleaded.

She felt as much as saw the crimson stain his cheeks, neck, and ears as he stared at her, waiting for her reply.

 _This can't be happening_ , she thought to herself, panic nipping at her composure. "And…" she struggled to find her voice, and her words erupted hoarsely, unevenly, from her heart where it was lodged in her throat. She tried again. "And why would that matter—to you?" she faltered, almost too quiet for him to hear.  _Damnit! Next time, be braver!_  she railed at herself.  _Hell, kick his ass!_

He caught his breath and was sure she must be able to feel his heartbeat through his hands by now, because he was certain it was strong enough to jump right out of him at any moment. "Because it does," he finished evenly, though a bit gruffly.  _Was she not even trying? This wasn't the waterbender he'd fought time and time again – this was a_ _ **girl**_ , he thought to himself, half-insulted. He wanted her fire back. "Answer me," his eyes boring into hers, commanding her.

"An answer to what?" she asked him, startled. The tone focused her attention, though. "What did you ask me,  _your Highness_? I believe I asked you, first: did you do all this out of the goodness of your heart?" she snapped back in mock-courtesy.

 _That's my girl!_  he crowed triumphantly. "What do you think?" he asked smoothly in a low voice, letting down her arms again and releasing her. He saw how she immediately scoured the room and finally pinpointed several adult-sized vases of water-plants in the entryway. She rapidly bended the water around her, pleased and more relaxed now that she had her element at her disposal again. He smirked almost happily when he saw the fire return to her gaze.

"I believe you owe  _me_  an answer, actually," she replied curtly, but smiled confidently before taking an offensive stance.  _Oh, it is_ _ **on**_ _, now_ , she smirked.

"I believe I already gave you one," he replied evasively, but grinned arrogantly and felt fire at his sides as his hands warmed up for the match. Because it would be a match, not a fight – they both knew that… And they both  _wanted_  it.

"How about I make you tell me?" she called to him, throwing out a practice whip near his ear as they circled each other. He didn't even dodge, knowing she was just trying to rile him.

"Let's see you try, peasant," he shot back softly, getting closer. The air was getting hot again, this time with their fire and activity.

She arched an eyebrow at him, and replied just as softly and with just a touch of her own arrogance to make him smirk, " _Just… watch… me_."

And they knew that last word, her acceptance, was the signal marking the battle's ignition: Both benders sprang forth into action, whipping and striking at each other with wanton abandon, hurling elements and destruction with ease, and occasionally even landing a point on the other opponent, only to spur him or her to re-double the next effort.

… the room filled with steam and chaos…

* * *

____HOTEL LOBBY_ _ _ _

 

"Trust me," Jet spoke confidently to his companion as they walked across the wide lobby to the entrance, "once those tapes are released, we'll get even more action in 'fic. It'll probably be enough to resurrect us both from the boonies of oblivion."

Haru nodded cautiously, lost in his own thoughts. "… how about… How about those tapes of the girls? Think those'll be released anytime soon?"

Jet looked quickly over at his new friend, the toothpick forgotten as it dropped out of his gaping mouth.

… Before being replaced by a grin of shared, debauched appreciation.

"Haru, my man," said the Freedom Fighter, tossing an arm around the earthbender's shoulders, "the tapes I have will put those to shame! Walk with me to my office…"

As they strolled out of the hotel, a medical crew, a haz-mat team, and a group of structural architects and engineers were being directed to the presidential suites by a supervisor-madame of some sort… along with what looked like a supply trolley of alcohol being wheeled behind her. The young men paid them no mind as the doors of the hotel closed behind them, unleashing their now-shared delinquency onto the masses.

"There's this one tape I gotta show you…" started Jet, leading Haru back to his place… "By the way, do you ever wear your hair down? I think it'd look really nice…"

Haru glanced over at Jet's smirk apprehensively…

* * *

____SUITE, SUITE ZUTARA (RE-DUX)_ _ _ _

 

Through the fog of steam, two bodies pressed together, breathing hard, red from exertion.

"Admit defeat," gasped a nearly-breathless Katara, holding a frozen dagger across Zuko's throat. She smirked triumphantly and looked down at him as she straddled him on the flipped couch. (It had fallen in battle when they'd tackled each other.) "And, answer my earlier question…  _Bettered-by-a-peasant_." She liked that nickname for him. It was so…  _apt_ in this circumstance. She knew the dagger was melting in her grasp from the firebender's proximity, but there was enough water in the air to pull from if she needed it. For now, he was hers, and he was at her mercy. She rather liked the situation, in all honesty.

His arms twisted awkwardly above his head due to the cushions, Zuko, Prince of the Fire Nation, looked smugly up at her from beneath long, dark lashes. "What makes you think you won?" he asked smoothly.

"I'm on top, aren't I?" Her chest heaving, she held the water-blade in place and smiled brilliantly, her necklace moving up and down with every breath, catching his eye once before he looked up at her beautiful flushed face again.

He shifted slightly to distract her, and in an instant had grabbed her hips. "So you are," he admitted pleasantly and paused at her startled expression.

His cockiness caused her confidence to waver- especially when he added, in a quiet, low voice,  _"…You're exactly where I want you, Water-bettered-by-a-Prince_." Her eyes widened as his hands moved up her back to her shoulders, gently pulling her down to meet him…

She didn't even get a chance to catch her breath before the explosion rang out and threw them to the floor, tumbling over each other over and over again. Finally coming to rest several meters away, they opened their eyes to find their faces inches apart in the steamy room. The fog lingered above them, only slightly disturbed by the tremendous ruckus, but the walls had held solid and most delicate objects had already destroyed by their battle.

They were both alive—Check.

The room was intact—Check.

Their proximity had further decreased—Check.

Ethereal music and glow-flooding imagination—Check.

Rampant hormone production—Check.

Both swallowed, still a little shocked at the sudden toss.

"So…" started Katara in a tight voice, looking up at her former opponent as he was stretched out full-length above her. "… Did the Earth move for you, too?"

Zuko stared at her a moment- incredulous at her attempt at humour after they'd been so savagely interrupted- before tilting his head back and laughing out loud.

Unable to help herself, and entranced by how handsome he looked, Katara felt her heart sway and gave in to the laughter, too, holding Zuko closer in her embrace, and feeling him tighten his arms around her in return. They lay there on the floor, coupled and crying tears of joy and hysteria, for several more minutes, until, and neither would later recollect who'd started it, they were soon kissing each other passionately, silently agreeing the Earth had never moved quite like  _this_  before…

xXxXxXx

Wiggling out from under a fallen blanket, Xiao Xiao trotted over to his Master and his Lady, padding around them as they rolled a bit to the side. When they started to moan, the little puppy whined and Zuko reached over to give him a quick rub, mumbling, "Not now, boy, Daddy's busy," between laboured breaths.

"Zuko…" moaned Katara, and Zuko lost all track of his paternal thoughts, letting the young dog decide his own fate for the next few minutes… hours… whatever, Zuko didn't care, he just didn't want it to end.

Xiao Xiao decided to be a good little puppy. He sat down a foot away and wagged his tail, waiting- and watching, his fluffy head tilted to the side.

* * *

____THE CHARRED REMAINS OF SOKKA AND TOPH'S SUITE_ _ _ _

 

As Iroh sat back in a relatively stable chair in the living room, he looked around the trashed room and winced slightly at the devastation as the medic wrapped his sprained arm.  _Yep, he would be leaving a considerable tip in the morning._  The staff had definitely earned that much. He heard another crystal from the chandelier drop and smash to pieces on the marble floor in the entryway.  _Very considerable tip…_

On his way through the suite on the search for survivors following the blast, Iroh had found a partially-burned envelope that had at one point sat by a lamp on a table in the entranceway. When he'd settled the young people in the suite with appropriate medical attention- thoughtfully provided by the hotel at only a minor additional cost- he'd found a reasonably safe and clean chair to sit on and had proceeded to open the envelope, careful not to damage what was left of its contents.

It had been addressed to 'The Cast Of Avatar', he noted, and his suspicions on the senders' identities were confirmed as he read it.

 _Dear Friends_ , it began,

_Happy hiatus! We hope you enjoyed your gifts, we put a lot of thought into them this year. Especially yours, Katara! (snicker)_

Iroh raised an eyebrow in amusement and mild reproach, but kept reading.

_We thought each of you should have something external to focus on (outside of work, specifically), since soon you'll be back to the grind. We also thought you'd like some time to get to know each other without having a reason to fight, since so many of you are new to the cast this time around. That was the intention, anyway – I'm sure some of you managed to find something to argue about, in spite of our best efforts. (sigh)_

Iroh sighed deeply, too, and nodded in sympathy – sometimes no matter what one did, one couldn't make everyone happy. He commended the creators for trying to stick to their best intentions, though. He returned to the last of the message.

_But seriously, have a great break and spend some time together relaxing, as friends. Season Three is going to be a race against time, and we're gonna need you to all stick together. Hopefully you were able to share your gifts with each other to become closer – that camaraderie will be invaluable. We'll give you more action, drama, and trauma than you can shake a stick at in the coming weeks, so get along while you can!_

_Take care and enjoy what's left of your break,_

_Your masters and commanders,_

_M & B_

_PS: Katara, we SO pwned your ass! TWICE! Haha! We're so hilarious! By the way, who do you think we're gonna throw you in a cave with next? XD_

Iroh groaned and memorized the letter before promptly burning it for fear of Katara's potentially flaming vengeance upon reading it in the future.  _Hmmm…make that certain unspeakable wrathful fury._  He'd fill everyone in when they were healed, but it was probably best, in this specific case, to err on the side of caution and eliminate the evidence…

Iroh glanced at his charges and reflected on the ruins of the boxes and decorations about the room, before his eyes finally settled on Toph who sat playing with her car keys.  _So_   _the gifts were meant to bring them closer together, eh?_  He smiled, deciding not to look this particular gift horse in the mouth quite yet. They had brought some grief with them, sure, but also far more benefits than he could ever consider looking down upon. In fact, when he really thought about it, starting with Toph's gift, it had been more of a Trojan horse that had infiltrated the group… but instead of people hiding inside to break into an enemy's stronghold, it had been used to sneak everyone out of an unremarkable, everyday afternoon in the studio parking lot, and into an entire day's worth of (mostly harmless, until that morning) adventure together before finally ending up at a room party at a hotel. Iroh shook his head in disbelief. M & B had really done it – they'd given them what they'd needed most – a chance to just act like kids for a day. Goofing around, arguing, flirting… just being teenagers (or almost-teenagers, in the case of Aang and Toph, but really, who was counting?). Spirits, even his nephew had ended up in the hot tub, coerced as it was— _and look at him now!_  thought Iroh proudly before tempering his wicked grin and the naughty gleam in his eye in case the others noticed his chuckling. But, it was all normal. Hanging out, eating and drinking, teasing, fun, normal teenager-stuff.

Iroh chuckled again softly, groaning a bit as he moved stiffly to shift on the chair. He was thoroughly considering taking a quick 'visit' to the next suite to see if Katara could mend his arm—but his nephew's note held him back.  _If anyone needs time and patience, it's my stupid Nephew_ , lamented Iroh. He prayed Zuko at least managed to get a handshake from the lovely waterbender at the end of the day—and not a bitch-slap.  _Or, alternately, that he would hopefully receive a very well-deserved bitch-slap…Hmmm…_

Rubbing his bearded chin, Iroh smiled to himself, deep in thought. Well, Zuko may not give him his own grandkids for a while, but the old gentleman was sure that with time,  _lots of time_ , and saintly patience, someday he'd see lots of new family around him. He considered all his charges his family, anyway, and he could wait and enjoy them all growing up for a little while yet, very happily.

He looked up to thank the hotel staff for their efforts and courtesy, and offer them a cup of tea, when he caught sight of the staff supervisor.

And he paled visibly.

 _Oh this is bad_ , thought Iroh numbly.  _Zuko, gird up your loins, my boy! I can't help you out of this one!_

xXxXxXx

As the haz-mat team cleared another room, the hotel-staff supervisor made a note on her clipboard and waved them to the 'rest' area with her cigarette-holding hand while the structural engineer team moved into place for support. Giving a few more directions, she nodded and spoke a few words to one of the team leaders before returning to the living room, her rapidly-dwindling alcohol reserves wheeling squeakily along in tow. The overall operation was moving along much smoother now that their leader was around, and all were in awe of her patience and clear-headed thinking – in spite of the copious amounts of 'coping'-alcohol she was consuming to get through the crisis. She was quite admired by her staff for her cool and professional demeanor, but on the inside, she seethed.

 _Thank goodness the casualties were lighter this time_ , she muttered to herself in her head, taking a lung-clogging drag on her nicotine stick.  _God, this is exactly like that time that stupid Fire-Lord-heir, Iroh, came through here. Geez, does he have disciples or something out there?... This much damage, it could only be someone who—_

Her train of thought broke off as she glanced up and saw the 'chaperone'-

-The very pale, nervous-looking chaperone who was currently trying to stand and hobble away as fast as his injured self could, leaving his charges to their own fates by the looks of things.

_Oooooh no you don't, you worthless piece of tea-sucking-sorry-excuse-for-a-fire-dragon!_

"IROH," she announced imperiously, her delicate voice promising unimaginable wrath, "I thought you were banished from these premises? What brings you here today? With minors? WITH THIS MUCH DAMAGE?"

Shoulders tensing as if he'd been a little boy caught with his hand in the fireflakes jar, Iroh smiled awkwardly and gave a slight bow to the imposing woman before him. The staff- alert to the sudden bone-chilling aura emitted by the supervisor- gave the two of them a wide berth. In fact, most ran helter-skelter for the nearest exits.

"Why hello, Ursa, funny meeting you here—"

"Can it, Fat Man. Is it true you brought Zuko into this, too? My own son!?"

"Ursa, I'm sure we can discuss this at another time, my dear? Perhaps when you aren't being accompanied by that ever-so-endearing booze-trolley behind you—"

"Don't patronize me, Iroh. I was here in '72, and I remember it well," Ursa narrowed her eyes at the former General. "Do you know how much our insurance rates went up? And how drastically our property value DROPPED after that episode of yours?! We still can't get plant-growth within a 47-foot radius of the fountain!"

"Oh, that's wonderful! It used to be 50 feet!" crowed Iroh enthusiastically, grasping at any positive he could.

"3 feet of difference in 35 years!? YOU CALL THAT PROGRESS!?"

"… of course! By the way, how would you like a cup of calming jasmine tea?-"

"I DON'T NEED ANY CALMING TEA!"

"I've missed the dulcet tones of your reproach, Ursa, truly I have. (Thank goodness they're mirrored in your son's caustic tongue)," he muttered the last line under his breath. "Oh, I hear even Mike and Bryan are thinking of welcoming back your sweet harpy ways in Season Three—"

Ursa seized on Iroh's attempt to change the subject, interrupting him. "What do you mean, my son? I thought Zuko was in his own suite? Was he here? Was he hurt? Who's he with?" Ursa was now tapping her foot, alternating between swigs of alcohol and drags on her latest cigarette.

 _Oh crap, sorry Nephew_. "Zuko left last night and stayed in his own suite next door. I'm sure he's fine. The blast was self-contained."

"Who .Is. ?"

"The hotel staff are there, and they were excellent, I'm sure – they were truly courageous here in our suite, and I know you run a tight ship, Ursa, and—"

Ursa held up a hand that sparked blue lightning and lit another cigarette with it.

Then she held up the tube that led from her booze cart.

Then she smiled like an angel.

An angel of the apocalypse.

"… her name was Katara and she left this morning," lied Iroh very quietly, terrified. "But she's a very nice!" he called after the swiftly-retreating woman, to no avail. "And she's not the type of girl to—"

Ursa had already stormed through the living room and headed to the next suite, slamming the doors behind her.

"Nobody touches my little boy," she could be heard muttering, just before the doors cracked. A trail of fiery footsteps in her wake, she exited, scattering staff and debris like a hurricane.

Sokka, Toph, and Aang, who'd all been silently watching the exhibition to that point, let out simultaneous breaths of relief. The sigh of the hotel staff on the other hand was full of helplessness,  _Great one more mess to clean up,_ the remainders thought in various ways.

Sokka whistled long and low and Aang rubbed the back of his head in discomfort. "Wow, it's a good thing Katara left this morning, isn't it guys?" said Sokka cheerfully, looking at the door that had cracked from the force of Ursa's blow.

Aang looked at Toph.

Toph tapped the ground lightly. And shook her head almost imperceptibly at Aang, glad Sokka was still distracted.

"I really think it's time to go, guys," Aang said quickly. "We really should let Iroh take care of things here. And we have stuff to discuss with M & B back at the studio. Well, take care, Uncle Iroh! We'll see you later!"

Iroh stared after them, one hand reaching out as if to grab onto hope. Before the older gentleman could protest, though, Aang and Toph had hustled Sokka out of the suite towards the lobby, carefully closing the door behind them so as not to knock it off kilter any further.

"At least we all got some breakfast," said Aang, trying to distract Sokka while Toph paid for their room.

Sokka leaned back with his hands behind his head, introspective. "Yeah, but I feel kinda bad leaving ol' Iroh like that – he seemed like a pretty cool guy," admitted the older boy as he watched Toph slide a card across the counter to the clerk at the main desk. His eyes narrowed and he leapt forward at the sight of the card.

"Toph! How'd you get one of those!? I thought only—wait, WHY do you have an Ultra-Platinum Super-Debit Infinite card?!" Awestruck, Sokka tried to grab the card only to have Toph smack his hand sharply away. She forcefully shoved the card back into her pocket.

"I AM a Bei Fong, you know. I use it to sort my M&Ms by colour," she said simply, ignoring his exaggerated display.

"Now I'm  _sure_  you're lying! Argh! Why do you hate me?"

"It's too much fun, Meatbag…"

Aang sighed as they continued arguing and left the hotel, climbing into the Turbo-Toph and pulling a donut in the parking lot as they drove away. He looked up at their old room, the room he'd been supposed to share with Katara, and sighed in resignation.  _Well, at least I got to see her in the suite_ , he thought mournfully.  _For all of three minutes. Thanks for trying, Uncle Iroh. I really appreciate it._

Patting his pockets, he realized he still had all Sokka's other credit cards. And his grin widened.

"Hey Toph, wanna go do something?" he asked with his characteristic optimism.

Aang turned away from the hotel just in time to miss Katara run half-topless past the window to the suite's bedroom and hide in the closet—and a blast of fire flare through the room right after her.

* * *

____THE RUINS OF TOPH & SOKKA'S SUITE_ _ _ _

 

As the young folk left him to his demise, Iroh heard Ursa break down the door to the next suite and the staff in there fleeing in terror from their rampaging supervisor.

He noted the sound of fountains of fire shooting from a rabid firebender, along with Zuko's shouts of discouragement and, could it be, clear-headedness? Iroh listened closer. Yes, Zuko was being the thoughtful one for once!  _Spirits be praised_ , Katara had worked a miracle on his nephew! He'd even managed to calm his mother in one of her fits. Truly amazing…

Iroh immediately called a high-ranked political advisor in the Fire Nation, and had the process started that would give Katara diplomatic immunity for the rest of her life.

* * *

____SUITE, SUITE ZUTARA_ _ _ _

 

"MOM! Would you calm down, please! There's no one back there!" hollered Zuko angrily as Ursa tried to push him aside and get to the master bedroom.

"Your uncle told me you'd been here with a girl – and I know exactly what kind of bad influence he can be. You better hope I don't find a girl back there, young man!"

Rubbing a hand over his face in frustration, he glared at the ceiling. "Would you rather you found a  _guy_  back there, Mom?" he asked in exasperation, and immediately regretted it at the look that crossed his mother's face.

Ursa wheeled around on her heels and just stared at him a moment, tight-lipped. The fires at her fists flared white.

Realizing his gaffe, he immediately put up his hands to ward off further punishment. He backed up a step in caution anyway. "I was only kidding, kidding!" He sighed and put his hands down, trying to think calmly, and decided to go with a half-truth. "There  _was_  a much wounded young woman here last night – I… saved her from a bad situation, and I stayed with her to make sure she was ok. When she woke up this morning, she left to go home. That's it." He paused as she stared at him. Unable to resist the mother-interrogation-look, he added another bit. "We had breakfast together, and then she left. I wanted to be a gentleman, like you taught me."  _Theeeeere we go; complimenting Mom at the same time, good job!_ congratulated his psyche.

Ursa stared at her son long and hard before calming and easing the flames to retreat back to whence they came. She took a deep breath and relaxed her shoulders, and motioned Zuko to right a few of the chairs where they could sit.

Letting out his own breath of relief, Zuko followed and sat across from his mother.

Smiling at her beloved, treasured son, Ursa reached out and put a hand on his head in praise. "I'm proud of you, Zuko. You did well," she said softly.

The young prince's face relaxed as her hand moved to his shoulder,  _away from his neck_ , and squeezed. He almost smiled back. "Thanks, Mom—" he started.

"I guess you're at that age, though. I think it's time for us to have a talk, son," she interrupted him. She has a very motherly look on her face.

 _Oh no, I really don't want this right now_ —terrified, he swallowed and wondered how to get out of it.

"Oh, it's ok, Mom," he stuttered quickly. "Uncle Iroh already filled me in—I'm good to go!" She stared at him in open-mouthed shock, and he quickly backtracked. "I mean, NOT GO! ANYWHERE! Nowhere near girls! I promise!"

 _Damnit, Uncle Iroh – why did you send her in here? What about my note? You coward!_  Zuko furiously went through as many options as he could imagine to thwart his mother's efforts at giving him 'the talk'—particularly as his girlfriend was hiding in the closet in the next room, and would no doubt need to use the washroom at some point in the future…

"What did your uncle tell you?" asked his mother carefully, jarring the young firebender from his thoughts.

And suddenly, inspiration struck.

Zuko smiled brilliantly at his mother, and started filling her in on all the sexual-education his uncle had bestowed on his impressionable mind.

Or at least, what he  _wanted_  her to think his uncle had told him…

Several minutes later, Ursa's jaw dropped open and her eyes went white with shock. She would have gone into conniptions- but Zuko held back; he did not want his mother to become a vegetable, obviously.

The sound of a body fainting and slumping to the floor sounded from the closet in the master bedroom, but luckily Ursa was too emotionally bankrupt to notice…

* * *

____(SOME TIME LATER, STILL INSIDE THE ZUTARA SUITE)_ _ _ _

 

"—and then he said the best way to thank a woman for her time is to heave them from the bed and tell her not forget any of her underwear on the way out," continued Zuko, noting with a feeling of success his mother's ashen colouring. "Uncle Iroh said it's always best to clean up on the curtains, too."

Ursa tried to speak, and failed, so Zuko continued with one last parting shot (his memory of his time on his ship with the male crew was getting faulty and he couldn't remember many more of their old wives' tales. His uncle had of course taught him the proper way of things, and the courtesy every woman deserved, but that wasn't going to get his mother out of the room quickly—traumatizing her was). "And most importantly, he said it's always best to share with friends; hers more than mine," he finished genially.

He paused and waited for his mother's retort and didn't need to wait long; she shook her head several times and finally clenched her fists.

"See, Uncle filled in everything I needed to know!" he exclaimed at last, rubbing it in one last time that it was  _Uncle Iroh_  who was behind his  _education_.

Lips pursed, Ursa looked at her son thoughtfully for a moment. Her eyes cleared and she nodded curtly to herself before clapping him on the shoulder, tossing him a…melodious, "We'll talk later, Sweetie, but Mommy has to go talk to your Uncle Iroh first," and then walking serenely from the room—burning the door out of the way instead of bothering to open or close it.

 _That's my Mom_ , thought Zuko proudly to himself as he waved at her retreating form. Then he smirked to himself a moment later when he heard his Uncle begging for mercy.

He smiled and went looking for Katara, praying she hadn't hit her head again while she was in the closet…

 _That'll teach you to pull donuts around my head in a parking lot, Uncle Iroh!_  crowed Zuko to himself, delighted.

xXxXxXx

Katara woke to Xiao Xiao licking her face lovingly, and yellow eyes reflecting on her affectionately.

"Hey," Zuko said softly, reaching forward to shift her hair a bit to the side. He let his fingers linger near her neck before carefully fingering her necklace, and saw her blush as she continued to hold his gaze.

Enjoying the warm touch, she smiled up at him expectantly. "Hey."

"Wanna go for a walk? There's a nice garden outside... and I think we should take off while the 'adults' are 'calmly discussing my situation'," he tilted his head towards the loud crashing and colourful language coming from the neighbouring suite. He heard another member of the now skeleton staff screaming in terror as part of a wall collapsed.

Katara nodded quickly and together they gathered their things and left the suite, Xiao Xiao trotting happily in front of them, and their hands entwined between them.

"So, none of that stuff you were telling your Mom was true, right?" asked Katara hesitantly as they stepped out onto the stone pathway that navigated through the lush garden.

For the second time that day, Zuko smiled at her and laughed, holding his sides until they hurt.

Finally regaining his breath, he held both her arms and turned her to look at him, actually considering his words carefully before opening his mouth for something so important. He squeezed her hands gently and spoke in a low voice.

"Katara, I promise… I am a prince, and I'll treat you like gold. You have my word, my honour, my…" he held her eyes as she paused beside him and brought her hand to his chest, "…heart." He finished, tugging her gently closer and softly closing the gap between their lips. "I promise," Zuko repeated right before the kiss.

 _For all their mental defects, they're_ _ **hella**_ _good kissers_ , marveled Katara as she drowned pleasantly in her firebender's embrace.

MINUTES…HOURS…AN ETERNITY LATER

And fandom 'gazmed at them, making Zuko smirk and just hold Katara closer.

"The Earth's shaking again," noted Katara breathlessly.

"All for you," smirked Zuko, giving fandom a thumbs-up behind her back. "Just wait 'til M & B come out with Season Three. This is just practice…"

xXxXxXx

"Ursa, please listen to reason!" Iroh gasped frantically. The sounds of the apocalypse drifted down to the garden from the suite above.

"Stop hiding, you chauvinistic man-whore!" followed by yet another lightning blast.

Walking hand in hand deeper into the garden the screams and explosions went unnoticed by the couple.

Later that night, while Iroh was applying ointment to his many burns and scrapes and waiting for June to come by to right his twisted joints, he received a small letter by messenger-pigeon.

Curious, he opened it up and read the one word scrawled freely-almost triumphantly- across it.

_**"Third."** _

_**/fin.** _

* * *

_____**/AN: I hope you enjoyed the ride! This is the end of the official 'story'. A few jokes will probably be uploaded later, but won't actually be part of the storyline. Thank you for reading, love you!** _ _ _ _ _

 

/AN: Refs in this chapter: Initial D, Dynasty, The Flintstones, Naruto, Girls Gone Wild (the industry, not the specific shows)

/AN: IMMEASURABLE thanks to my friends akumaneko, blackbird, and tejina for their inspiring jokes and dialogue, and to  **solitaryguard, tikkihikki, and heartsyhawk**  for their suggestions and criticisms throughout this story—particularly this last chapter, where so much had to come together. Many thanks in advance to renagrrl for doing the edits on Version 2.0, which will be re-posted here soon and x-posted to livejournal in a community or two. Thanks for reading, everybody! Please don't forget to hit the lights on your way out.

Luv,

-mm ('moor')

* * *

_____****Chapter 18: Chapter 18 : Celebrity Endorsements** ** _ _ _ _ _

* * *

**TGH: Post Finale 01**

**Celebrity Endorsements**

**AN:**  You may need to go back and read the KatAang ending before you completely understand this one…

* * *

_____**_(Cue to police/Law & Order-type background music)_ ** _ _ _ _ _

**Narration:**  
Have you ever felt that you're being watched?  
That someone's keeping something from you?  
Do you need protection?...

_(Cut to shots of Toph shaking down Mafioso-types)_

**Narration:**  
…Have you been wronged?  
Do you need to get back at an unfaithful lover?  
Do you feel that there's more going down—and that you want in?

_(Cut to shots of Toph shaking down CEO-types; sneaking around desk in darkened office and shooting blackmail-photos; flipping through money clip of cash absently)_

If any of these apply to you, then give us a call at…

**1-800 –TOPH-ENFORCEMENT!**

****Toph speaking, standing in front of camera, looking in wrong direction:**** Available anytime, anywhere within reasonable time/distance of the Avatar, at can't-be-beat prices.

 ** **Narration:**** Because face it; she's rich and just messes with people for fun, anyway.

 ** **Sokka, muttering under his breath in corner of shot:**  **Hell, she does corruption-busting pro-bono. And she isn't kidding about the 'can't be beat' part… Oh, I'm on? Oops...  _No, Toph—wait a-!_

 ** **Sokka, clearing his throat & speaking in 'official'-sounding tone (off camera):** **Bonus! Act now and get a free 'proof' bruise with every purchase! (Guaranteed results—trust me!)

 ** **Toph, in front of camera, facing entirely wrong way:**  **Group discounts for family-vengeance backstabbings. Check out our package rates for other sweet deals!

* * *

_____****AN: Just messing around. This came to me as I was writing the KatAang ending... way back in, um... January? So here, for your own amusement. (Not great, but the pint-sized enforcer thing made me smile.)** ** _ _ _ _ _

_Next up: Jet Stream..._

May 09/2007 **  
-mm** _ _ ****  
__

* * *

_____****Chapter 19: Chapter 19 : Celebrity Endorsements** ** _ _ _ _ _

* * *

**TGH: Post Finale 02**

**Celebrity Endorsements**

**AN:**  You may need to go back and read the Zutara ending before you completely understand this one…

* * *

_____**Katara leaned back in her lounge chair by the pool, bedecked in a sparkling, sequined, horribly gratuitous bikini.** _ _ _ _ _

 

"If you're like me," she purred, "you know how hard it is to find Mr. Right."

She looked at someone off-set, eyebrow raised. "Did you even read this fanfic? I think you should give this line to—" she raised her arms in a fed-up gesture and rolled her eyes,  _"fine, fine…"_

From the border of the pool, Aang treaded water and gazed longingly at Katara, his bright-red and navy-blue Mighty Morphin Power Ranger swim trunks matching his blue & red baseball cap. His nose was covered in zinc. "And when you do find someone, how do you know if they feel the same way? Do you just know when  _you look at each other_?" he asked meaningfully.

Katara smiled uncomfortably at the camera, her eyebrow now twitching. "Look, can I get a sarong or something?..." she asked from the corner of her mouth, still trying to keep up her smile.

Aang kept beaming at her from the side of the pool, entranced. "We should get you a nice pair of sparkly wings, you know that, Katara?"

Katara looked at the camera in concern and mouthed ,  _"Help."_

"Do you have communication issues? Problems meeting people because you've no self-confidence?" asked Toph in a bored tone as the bright sunlight was replaced with a dimly-lit room plastered with Lord of the Rings and Star Wars posters, obviously in a middle-class finished basement. She held a gaming controller in her hands—backwards.

She tilted her head a bit as she heard the director, and threw the controller behind her, unconcerned.  _"No, I can't say it 'better'—but lemme help you_ _ **hear**_ _it better."_  There came the sound of rocks shifting outside the main scene.  _"We clear now? Yeah, I thought so."_

Sokka lifted his glass at a hip nightclub, his bollywood-style clothing flashing with the epileptic-like light show circusing out of control in the background. Loud music pumped out of all sides of the bar scene.

"Are there just too many opportunities knocking on your door?" hollered Sokka, trying to be heard above the music. "Does your date planner need an expansion pack for your pimpin' self?"

From either side of him, Yue and Suki glared at each other. Sokka smiled on, completely ignorant.

"Looking for that little  _something_   _extra_ —" started Suki in clipped tones, eyes focused on the blond across from her instead of the camera.

"—to hold him close to  _you_?" Snapped Yue icily.

The scantily-clad women faced off, each holding a cosmopolitan in assault-the-rival-bitch position.

Iroh's patient, mellifluous voice floated across the audience as petals from his rose garden and cherry-tree orchard drifted on the breeze, caressing the gentle scene.

"If you've ever wanted to be treated like a real lady…" He motioned to a free seat beside him at a small bistro patio set. On the tablette were a delicate teapot and a tray of sweet cakes. "Now is the time…"

Just off-side, Zuko groaned and let out an, " _Oh for the love of…"_

There was an awkward scene shift, and the director, in haggard tones, could be heard coaxing the sulking Fire Prince from beside the camera. "Please, just read your lines, your Highness."

Zuko ignored him and stared at the camera malevolently. His hair was polished to perfection, and his ultra-trendy clothing had not a thread out of place. His shoes were extravagant and expensive-looking. He scowled.

"Your fans are waiting…" tried the director.

From just off-camera, Iroh begged his nephew. "Please, Zuko, this is the 73rd take… I want to go home…"

With his arms crossed tightly across his chest, Zuko stiffly, angrily, and tersely bit off his lines. "Mano-a-manomoreyourthing? Howaboutkink? Thenlistenup."

His obligation complete, in the barest sense of the word, the youth stalked from the scene and could be heard kicking over random props as he made his way to the exit to the parking lot.  _"Come on, Uncle—move it!"_

A second later, an,  _"I hate you all!"_  roared out across the set and a distant door slammed, just as Jet was smoothly gliding into position in front of the camera, a distinguished-looking library and desk behind him. Jet smiled confidently at the camera, unphased by the distractions behind him.

"If you need help with your personal life, or even just some pointers to get you started in the right direction, we're here to help. With 25 years in the business—"

"I thought you were only 16?" asked Katara's voice from off-camera.

"-we offer you professional, confidential, results-oriented service guaranteed to help you meet and maintain a relationship with the man or woman of your dreams." The respectable-looking young man paused and gave a knowing look to the camera. "We also cater to special interests…"

Momo flew through the background of the scene, landing on the bookcase. He hurled a book at Jet's head, and picked up another menacingly.

Jet swerved casually to avoid it, unperturbed, leaning against the desk. "Animals are also welcome to make use of our services. Our selection process is non-discriminatory."

Momo put down the book and cocked his head, suddenly listening intently.

The camera zoomed in on Jet's soulful, deep eyes as he spoke slowly in a low voice. "We're here to help-You. If you have questions, we'd like you to give us a chance."

"E-mail us or drop into one of our private offices for a consultation—I promise you won't be disappointed. You owe it to yourself—try  _Jet Stream: The Sleeker Personals Service_."

The camera turned off just as Sokka started making gagging noises in the background.

* * *

_____****AN: Come on, you know it's amusing to poke fun at Pimp!Jet…** ** _ _ _ _ _

 

 _Up Next: Credit Limits…_  
  
May 09/2007  
 **-mm**

* * *

_____****Chapter 20: Chapter 20 : Celebrity Endorsements END** ** _ _ _ _ _

* * *

**TGH: Post Finale 03**

**Celebrity Endorsements**

**AN:**  This is the last one.

* * *

_____**_-cue orchestral music and posh ambiance in a luxury hotel suite—_ ** _ _ _ _ _

 

**Subtitles: Suites: four hundred gold pieces a person.**

Cut to next scene, the bathroom of the suite, about as big as a baseball diamond with a steam shower, soaker tub, and jacuzzi in the corner. Candles line the romantically-lit room, and a bottle of champagne is chilling on the side of the jet-tub below a constellation-night view of the skylight in the ceiling...

**Subtitles: Hot tub: eighty silver pieces extra.**

Cut to next scene, master bedroom, with bed linens turned down for the night and the sound of loving, quiet murmurs from the connecting hallway, just out of sight. There's something on the bed… several 'somethings' actually...

**Subtitles: 2 blindfolds and a purple leather corset: 12 copper pieces-each.**

Cut to scene of neighbouring suite, outfitted with full surveillance equipment and hi-tech spy crew.

**Subtitles: Photographic evidence and the looks on their faces when they realize what precisely has happened: priceless...**

Cut to scene of Fire Lord Ozai looking over the photos and a very embarrassed Zuko yelling about being set-up by the Avatar.

(Voice over) Toph: …for everything else, there's the  _Ultra-Platinum Super-Debit Infinite Card_...

_**End scene.  
** _

* * *

**AN:**  The above is actually the brainchild of reviewer heartsyhawk. Please give her a round of applause, folks, she really helped me out with this story! Solitaryguard and tikkihikki were also instrumental, and renagrrl's been a blessing with Version 2.0, which already has 5 chaps ready to be re-uploaded to correct all the little mistakes I made on my first issue. Expect Version 2.0 around the start of Season Three, this September 2007.

 **AN:**  Thanks for reading, and hope you've enjoyed! This is the REAL end now. Byebye!

 


End file.
